I’d convinced myself for so long that it was better to stay away from Jay. I’d used the distance to protect myself and pushed him so far away he couldn’t possibly still want me.
And that’s why I was in such a rut.
He’d given me the manuscript, and I’d read into the gesture. And I’d confronted him, hoping in some weird, stubborn way he might say something. Admit it, he was still trying to convince me to come around.
I looked out over the lake and felt a heavy weight in my chest.
Surely there was something there still. Maybe? But would it be smart to pursue it?
There was a high chance that getting involved with Jay would end badly.
But could I keep pretending that I felt nothing so that I could protect myself?
“Why would you give this to me?” I whispered, flipping through some of the pages of the manuscript before me.
He’d gaslit me. I was sure of it. And maybe I deserved it. But I was still mad about it.
The binder was warm now from the sun, and I closed it.
It was a surprisingly warm day for fall. After a few days of chilly temperatures, I welcomed the brief rise in warmth. It would be one of the last warm days before the temperatures started to drop again.
A small gift amidst the chaotic tornado that was my mind. A sunny day to go along with my inner turmoil.
Nothing was ever cohesive. But I’d gotten used to the imbalance.
The sound of splashing in the water below echoed over to me, and my head quickly turned at the noise. It had been nothing but quiet bird sounds all morning, so the unexpected splash against the dock immediately drew my attention.
I squinted, not seeing anything for a moment. And then I saw him.
A head of dark hair bobbing in the water.
It was Jay. And he was swimming.
“Psychopath,” I muttered under my breath. Yes, it was warmer today, but the water was still freezing. Surely he was insane to jump in there and frolic like it was the middle of August.
I turned away, determined to ignore him and go back inside.
But it had been a week.
A week of going through the motions. I talked to my friends. Went to work. Tried to write. And everything felt off balance despite my best efforts to go about my life as normal, because nothing was resolved.
I was done feeling this way.
And I knew the only way to fix it was to confront it.
Though I was horrible at confronting things, my frustration was finally building enough for me to consider changing that about myself.
I looked back down at the water. Luna had joined in on the fun, swimming next to Jay now. I heard him laugh, and Luna answered with a few happy barks.
He was just so relaxed. Existing as if his presence alone wasn’t altering the orbit of my world.
And I was so tired of it.
Before I could really think through what I was doing, I started down toward the lake.
I thought maybe I’d lose momentum on the way there, but if anything, I only got more ramped up as I headed outside.
I descended the stairs of the back deck and headed toward the water, bare feet slapping against the wooden dock as I made my way toward him.
