“I mean… No. It happened three weeks ago. I just mean it just happened without either of us planning it. The day after we went out to La Befana.”
“Oh,” Cara said, “because you wanted to hook up with somebody. And I made you wait because you were drunk. Oh no.”
“It’s not going to ruin anything. I promise. Because it isn’t going to happen again.”
“Well… Why not?”
“No. This is why I didn’t want to tell you. Because I knew you would want to have it both ways. I knew that you would be appalled at my behavior, and worried about what it might mean for your future here, and I also knew that you would be weirdly supportive. And think that it was something it isn’t.”
“Well, it would be perfect. You and Cody…”
“Absolutely not. I haven’t even divorced your brother. I am having divorce papers sent to him, and according to the lawyer that I talked to, it should all be able to be done through paperwork because we don’t own property and we don’t have any children. But I’m not divorced, and even when I am, it’s going to take me a while to recover from all his bullshit. Then on top of that, Cody isn’t a relationship kind of guy.”
“You know that for a fact?”
“He’s too good at sex.”
Cara laughed. “Being good at sex means that you can’t be a relationship guy?”
“It just means that he’s very accomplished at casual sex.”
“I’m not…” Cara’s face turned bright red again. “I’m not going to claim to be some kind of sex expert or anything, but I think you’re making some sweeping judgments here.”
“I’m not. I’m genuinely okay with it being what it was. He said… It was good that I got the first one out of the way.”
“That is deeply unromantic.”
“It wasn’t romantic. It was… Hot.” She felt her face get hot. “But that’s it. And now we’re moving on. I shouldn’t have told you.”
Of course, she had felt weird not telling Cara. Disloyal,even, because it was the kind of thing she probably should share with somebody she was that close to. Except also, Cara was her sister-in-law.
“Sorry. The whole thing is weird, isn’t it? Because if I messed this up, I’m messing things up for you, and I was with your brother for a hundred years –”
“Ourrelationship has nothing to do with my brother. Not at this point. I don’t want you to feel bad about him, or even think about him.”
“Are you talking to him?”
Cara shook her head. “No.” She looked down at her fingernails. “And don’t think it’s because I’m so loyal and wonderful. I’ve had a lot of resentment brewing toward him for a long time. But what he did to you just unmasked things that I always believed were underneath the surface. He’s selfish.”
“I’m really sorry that you got left to deal with everything with your mom.”
“You helped me as often as you could. You were busy. You were there for me so much more than he ever was. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to get over him not coming and saying goodbye. He said he couldn’t handle it. Well, why was I supposed to be able to handle it?”
That cracked something inside of Marlowe’s chest. Because it was the kind of thing that he was always saying. He was really sensitive, he just cared so much, he was such a good guy, but that meant that he had to avoid all kinds of difficult things that he seemed to think were fine for Cara or for Marlowe to do.
It acted as a kind of weaponized shield against personal responsibility. Against doing difficult things.
He was passive, it was true, but he was also manipulative.
She hadn’t seen it, because she hadn’t spent a lot of time with manipulators. Other than him. And they had starteddating when she was so young she hadn’t been able to recognize it.
“He really sucks,” Marlowe said. “I think I wrote a version of him in my head that was just so much better than this, and I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to let him bypass accountability, I didn’t mean to turn him into a mythical figure who was a much better man than the reality. But I did. I wanted to have a fairytale so badly that I decided he was Prince Charming with very little evidence. That’s not to say that we weren’t happy. If we weren’t happy at all, I don’t think…”
She was about to say she wouldn’t be this sad about the divorce. She was sad about it. But if she really excavated it, uncovered everything, she wondered if she was sadder about the loss of the potential future that she wanted to make with him, with the version of him that she had wanted him to be.
If she were deeply in love with Aiden, she wouldn’t have been able to sleep with Cody.
If she was deeply in love with Aiden, she wondered if Cody’s voice would’ve even felt like a siren song from across the country, husky and low in her ear while she had interviewed for this job.
