Poor Nolan. Another kid who was caught up in the lives of uninterested adults. She knew what it was like to feel that way. Like an incidental.
But she still couldn’t quite draw the lines between this life and the ranch life Cody had now.
“How did your mom meet your dad? What did she do?”
“She was his cleaner. One of them. She got a job at the company that managed his home, and that was how they met. But that’s what she kept on doing. Whether it was working for a service or getting a job at a hotel a couple of hours away. I know it’s not what she dreamed of doing. She had a pretty normal life, a normal upbringing. But all it takes is one bad decision, and for the people in your life to completely abandon you. My mom is a good example of what happens when you love everybody else in your life a whole lot more than they love you.”
Not everybody, though.
There was an underlying thread of sadness when he talked about his relationship with his mother, and while he had shared a whole lot of things with her, he had never outright verbalized the truth. The person that his mom had loved most in the world had been his father. Even though he hadn’t deserved that love. And as a result, she hadn’t been able to give the attention to her children that she should have. Hadn’t been able to show them the love that they deserved.
He pulled into the parking lot, and they just sat there for a moment. He looked up, and she wanted to touch him.Wanted to do something to reach him in this moment, because this was vulnerable for him.
“We were by ourselves a lot. And sometimes we didn’t get left with any food. So, what we would do is go around the neighborhood and collect cans, then we would take them to the recycling center and get some money. Usually, we would get Ramen and Pixie Sticks. A package of hot dogs. Whatever we could afford and make ourselves something.”
“Didn’t your mom… Get any kind of assistance?”
“I don’t know. I think she might have. But she didn’t… She had trouble managing to keep food in the house, that’s all I know. I think it was a lot for her just to go to work, and then I think she was always hoping that my dad would get in touch with her on the weekend, want to hang out, hook up. She was gone a lot. And occupied with other things.”
“She neglected you,” she said.
He turned sharply toward her, something dangerous on his face. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“Cody, she left you without food.”
“She was going through a lot.”
“I didn’t say she wasn’t. I didn’t say she wasn’t going through a lot, but the reality is she had three children, and she wasn’t able to give you the attention that you needed, and whatever the intent is, that’s still neglect. My dad was an alcoholic. And he could not choose me over drinking. He couldn’t. He couldn’t even choose himself. He neglected himself, too. It was illness more than it was selfishness, but it doesn’t change the way that it expressed itself.”
“She wasn’t an alcoholic,” he said.
“She was sad,” Marlowe said. “Depressed?”
Cody looked down. Then nodded slowly. “Probably. She was probably pretty clinically depressed, yeah.”
“I’m not judging your mom. I’m just talking about your childhood. And the effects that it had onyou. You worked really hard to make sure that none of that hurt your brother and sister. It sounds like Nolan needed you, too, and you were there for him.”
“There was nothing else to do.”
“There was. The adults in your life are examples of that. They found other things to do that weren’t taking care of you.”
She could feel his discomfort, radiating off of him in waves. He really didn’t like to be told he’d done a good job. To be told that he was exceptional in any way.
It was like there was a big wall inside of him that compliments ran right into and bounced off.
Because he just couldn’t handle it. Didn’t want to handle it.
But she wanted him to hear it. Whether he wanted to or not.
“Cody, I am in awe of you. You didn’t have any examples of how to take care of people, but you do it. All the time. You take care of everybody in your life like it’s the most important thing to you, and I think it is so… Wonderful. Because I know that not everybody does that. I know they don’t. I’ve never… I’ve never met anyone like you.”
He cleared his throat. “I just wanted you to see the place.”
“Someday, I’ll take you back to my trailer park,” she said.
“Okay,” he said, his voice barely hovering above a whisper.
There were a lot of sticky things buried in that hushed response. A lot of questions. If they would be close for that long, if there would ever be an occasion or reason for him to go to Vermont with her. Would they just be done in a week? They weren’t a couple. And it was kind of a couple offer.
