He went to fetch Ander, and Ander, predictably, ordered me to be escorted back into his territory. He would leave me standing while he sat behind his desk if he could. He was tiresomely predictable.
“I’m surprised it takes you any time at all to pack up,” I told him when I walked into his room. There was a fire blazing in the fireplace, clearly fed by correspondence; there were a few white corners rising from ashes. I couldn’t imagine Ander’s correspondence being very interesting, but I could not resist my recreational curiosity.
“Let’s not pretend to be friendly.” He strapped his extra swords to his pack; the sword rack was empty. “What do you want?”
“I want you to hold this.” I tossed the bundled blade onto his desk.
The clink of metal within was still audible through the fabric, and he froze. I still had a childish enjoyment in surprising him.
“What is this?” He moved toward it and nudged the fabric aside before giving me a skeptical look.
“You wanted me to consult you before I used the knife.”
“And I assumed you were going to be a tiresome prick about it.” He picked up the blade and pulled it out of the sheath an inch, examining the dark metal. “Why are you asking me to hold it?”
“No one will expect you stole it from Obsidian undetected. You are the safest clan with which to conceal the knife.”
As usual, he ignored the barb. His imperturbability was designed to annoy me; it was far worse than when he answered me back. “No, this isn’t about the queen.”
His gaze narrowed as he looked up. “You want to keep the knife from Cara. She had a purpose in retrieving the knife, and yet Tay is still standing at the queen’s side.”
“You know as well as I what would unravel if we took Tay from the queen while Cara was still trapped in the Trials.”
“Yes. But why are you asking me to hold this now?” He sheathed the knife again but did not lay it down, already possessive even though he would make me beg him for this favor.
I leaned one shoulder against the doorframe as if this were nothing. As if the air in the room hadn’t tightened. “Because I’m busy. And you’re not entirely useless.”
His eyes flicked up to mine. “Try again.”
Of course he would not let me have the lie.
I let the silence stretch just long enough to acknowledge it. Then I straightened, pushing off the frame. At least there would be some fun in surprising him even if I hated to acknowledge the truth. “She might use it too soon.”
“Too soon in your opinion. You’re taking the control from her. Keeping her from saving those she loves.” There was a bitter edge in his voice that complicated this transaction.
“I am asking you to take the control from me,” I said, and the words jolted him, just as I had intended. “We both know that for her sake, Tay has to linger a little longer at the queen’s side. But she cannot bear it, and I struggle to bear her…” I didn’t want to name it, but I did anyway. “Pain.”
Pain that I caused her for the sake of a cause.
Ander frowned as he studied me, and then certainty came over his face. He believed me well enough that his face relaxed into his natural state of condescension. “I never thought I would see the day that you loved someone well enough to question your devotion to your strategy.”
“You’ll do it?” I forged on. “You’ll hold the knife, and if I fall, you’ll make sure it is used to serve her family?”
“I would do that for her. And I will use it as I see fit.”
“I’m sure you will decide wisely.” The words stung my tongue. The things I would say to serve my cause.
He looked amused, as if he could read my displeasure. “Is it very miserable for you, Fear? Being in love?”
“It’s dreadful,” I told him, and a smile spread across his face. That confession really should have been all the cost I had to pay.
Twenty-Three
Fear
The door to my chambers was unlocked, which Maura would have expected. I knew her from the sounds—her stride down the hallway, the way she paused in the doorway to survey it as if she had any right—before I turned from the window.
“You’ve redecorated.” In her voice was the strain of trying to sound easy and almost succeeding. “Or have you begun to read novels?”
