Things between us felt so broken, and I was not sure how they could be repaired. Perhaps they were bad enough to justify seeking advice from Ander.
Ander glanced away from Tesa on our way out. Suspicion flashed across his face. He must have so many questions, and I owed him answers—as much as I didn’t want to provide them—but not tonight.
The two of us left the candlelit hall behind for the quiet, dark cobblestone streets.
I meant to ask Cara about her hurt, but she spoke first. “You asked Tesa for permission to tell Ander. Why didn’t you tell me that was where you were going?”
There were so many directions in which to turn the conversation. I could tell her that I had simply commanded Tesa, which would suggest I had changed my mind for her sake. But while that would win her over, it wouldn’t be particularly honest.
“Old habits of being an ass, I suppose.”
She was surprised into a genuine smile. The way it lit her gaze and transformed her face made me almost willing to insult myself again. “I’m glad they have their chance.”
The way she said it reminded me of how wistful she had sounded when she was seeking advice from Ander. I’d have teased her over how desperate she must have been to go to him. But he wasn’t bad for advice, really, if he was on one’s side. I used to seek his advice when I was young and lost.
I felt as lost with Cara at my side as I had when I was a yearning, empty boy.
“They’re going to have a hard road.”
Just as Ander had been reluctant to believe in anything good, I felt the same reluctance rising in my chest like a shield. I did not want to believe Ander and Tesa could have a happy ending and then be disappointed.
“They’ll find their way,” Cara said, which was unexpected, because usually she was the little grump.
Together, the two of us climbed the stairs to the sea wall. The moonlight seemed to wrap around her, casting her light hair to silver. “Do you think Ander will forgive you with the two of them reunited?”
“Whether or not Ander forgives me seems like a rather petty concern when the queen is waging war on our clans. He’s stuck with me.”
So I hoped. I feared that when Ander realized I’d withheld Tesa from him, he’d lose his mind and reveal the truth to Obsidian, and our entire rebellion would fall apart.
Ander was usually too clever for such an act, though. I’d have to hope he and Tesa had an agreeable reunion.
“Fear.” She grabbed my other arm and swung to face me. “Let me give you a bit of mortal wisdom. Despite how short our lives are, there’s always time to be petty.”
I found myself smiling too.
“You just don’t want to answer my question,” she added, a little more softly. Her gaze searched mine.
“I’m not some hero reuniting Tesa and Ander.” My voice was harsher than I intended. “I’m the reason they were apart all these years. There’s no forgiving that.”
Cara studied me in that unbearable way she had sometimes, like she could see through what Anayla calledall my masksto what was beneath. It was unnerving.
Then she said, “Don’t be a coward.”
The word coward felt like being punched. After everything I had done? Everything I had risked? She dared to call me a coward.
The wind off the ocean had pulled strands of hair into her face, and she brushed them away angrily. She seemed furious at me now. “You’d like that to be true. It would let you off the hook of asking. It’s safer to decide it’s impossible than to risk being turned away.”
The wind coming off the sea was cold enough to sting. Good. I preferred pain with obvious causes.
My heart was pounding against my chest, as if I stood at the edge of battle. “And are you a coward, Cara?”
The sea crashed below the cliffs in slow, relentless rhythm. Moonlight silvered the black water. Beside me, Cara wrapped her arms tighter around herself against the cold.
“That’s what I asked Ander,” she admitted after a moment, more softly now. “Whether there could be forgiveness. Between you and me.”
Something low and dangerous shifted awake inside my ribs.
“He was about to give me advice when you interrupted, so I suppose now we’ll never know what to do.”
