“But you didn’t get his body back. He didn’t see that, anyway.”
“No. The guide got out of there—who can blame him?—and he lied, of course. But the story came out. They tested the guide’s blood, and they had Peter’s phone, and there it all was. They never found his body. Eaten by a croc, almost certainly. So that was that. After that, I went—well, I went numb, I suppose. You can probably relate to that, too.”
“Not so much. Mostly fury, in my case.”
“Oh. Well, that makes sense. Anyway, I kept working, because I knew that if I let myself think, I’d fall apart. But when I had George and was by myself in the birthing room … It sounds stupid, but I thought I’d be fine. I’d been going along, one foot in front of the other, and I thought I could do this, too. I’d had two kids before, after all. But when the pain really started, and the fear—because it’s scary, you know, having a baby. Even if you’ve done it before, it’s still scary.”
“I know it always scared me,” he said. “More than it did Samantha. That something would go wrong. That I’d lose one of them, or both. I never said, of course, but yeh. It’s scary.”
“Really?” She was looking at him at last.
“Really,” he assured her. “It’s a big thing, childbirth. A big deal. And I’m going to say it. He should never have taken that trip. It was selfish.”
“But you went. You played while your wife was pregnant. You played overseas.” Those eyes steady on his.
He took a breath, and she said, “I’m sorry. It’s your job. I do know that. But still—you surely have a greater chance of getting injured than the average tourist on safari.”
“You’re right. I do. I can say that this is what I know how to do, what pays the bills?—”
“What you love. Because it’s too hard to do if you don’t love it.”
“Yes. What I love. Putting myself to the test. OK, having arethink here. I won’t blame him for going, if that was his work. Though I’m guessing he wasn’t making millions at it.”
“No. I earned more, when you evened it out. I certainly earned more steadily.”
“Right, then. I’ll blame him for doing something so risky at the time when he should’ve been trying his hardest to make a better life for his whanau. I have to blame him for something,” he said, when she opened her mouth to protest. “Because I’m hating the bloke right now.”
“My choice,” she said. “My choice all the way. So you see why I don’t necessarily trust my choices.” She smiled. It was clearly an effort. “And, yes, I kissed you anyway. But this would be the same thing, getting involved with you. Another wrong choice.”
“Why?”
“Uh … school? To name only one objection.”
“Oh, yeh. School.”
He was silent, because he didn’t know what to say next—somehow, he wasn’t coming off as the contrast he definitely felt he was—and eventually, she went on. “So anyway, in the room, when I was having George—the midwife was lovely, so it wasn’t her—it all hit me. I’ve never felt so alone. Or so helpless. I thought,What if I die? What happens to my kids then?Which isn’t the sort of thing I normally think, despite Finlay’s constant reminders. That wasn’t a good time at all. But then I was out the other side and George was born, and he was lovely. The sweetest baby, right from the start.”
“Kids help,” he said. “They’re the hardest thing when you’ve got that grief, but they also help the most. Odd.”
“Yes. Both things. That maternity leave—” She took a deep breath. “That was a hard time, too. Olive was only two. Sometimes I wonder if she’s so quiet because she had to entertain herself too much. If she doesn’t know how to count on anyone either.”
Zane had her hand again. He’d known the story would be bad. He just hadn’t realizedhowbad. “I don’t think that’s it. She seems fine to me. She isn’t hiding. She’s watching, maybe, but she’s not hiding.”
She turned those green eyes to him. Her mouth trembled a little, but even as he watched, she firmed it with an effort of will. “I hope that’s true. I’ve worried.”
“You’re a brilliant mum. I don’t see how it wouldn’t be true.” His heart ached. Physically ached. This wasn’t what he’d had in mind at all today, and he was feeling too many things at once. Rage. Pity. Tenderness. At least he thought that was what they were. Confusing, all of it.
“Anyway,” Skylar went on with determination, the same way she’d gone through everything else, he’d bet, “Granddad came to live with me, and even though I missed Gran like you can’t imagine—oh, how I wanted her—he was such a comfort. Somebody I knew I could count on.”
“And now he’s found somebody new.”
“Yes. And I’mhappy.”She beat the heel of her hand on the arm of her chair, probably not realizing she was doing it. “I’mhappyfor him. Of course I am! How could I not want him to find love again? But I?—”
“You’re alone again,” Zane said.
She blew out a breath and tugged at her hair. “Yes. No. My kids are older. They’re getting more independent all the time. I’m not rich, but I’m not desperate anymore. I can make it. I can raise them. Iamraising them.”
“Doing a good job, from everything I can see.”
