She stopped, and he said, “A bit proud, maybe.”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” She took another sip of champagne, then put the glass down, hugged her knees, and looked out at the water as if there’d be answers there. “A bit afraid. I’m going to say it. A bit afraid to count on somebody like that and then … dunno. Have it used against me? I’ve counted on Granddad, but I thought—” She stopped again.
“You thought,” he said, “that you were doing him a favor as well. As he was lonely.”
“Yes.” She couldn’t look at him. She hadn’t even let herself think all this. “And now I wonder if he’s resented it. Resented me. It’s just—it’s easier if I know I can do it myself. That I’ve got my budget, and if I stick to it, we’ll be OK. And … and everything else. That I don’t have to depend on anybody else. On somebody who might not be there tomorrow.” She wanted to curl up into a ball. She couldn’t, so she tugged at a curl instead and sought refuge in the champagne flute. It didn’t quite work.
“I’ve never heard you mention your parents,” he said.
“Ah. My parents. They were fine growing up—well, they were OK growing up—but I got pregnant my last year of uni. By one of my professors, so you know. Worst decision of my life. My parents were strict, so I hadn’t dated much, but—well, anyway, that’s no excuse. It was quite a scandal, unfortunately. It’s not allowed, you know, sleeping with your students, and Iwas pretty stupid. Pretty naïve. I thought it was love. That I was in a romance novel.”
“And you weren’t. He’d done it before, I’m guessing, and more than once.”
She never talked about this, and here she was, tellinghim?Why? “Yes,” she said, because what choice did she have, now she’d started? “And when I fell pregnant, he—it got ugly. He was so angry that I hadn’t used birth control, that I hadn’t handled it, and I thought he had a right to be. Other people had suspected too, it turned out. Hanging around after class the way I did … all the stupid things girls do. It got to the dean, and he—the man—he lost his position, and that was another scandal. He was popular. Charming. Witty. Clever. And, of course, older. Which is no excuse. And then, eventually, I had to tell my parents. I didn’t know what else to do. And that was worse.”
“You were twenty,” he said. “Twenty-one. Something like that.”
“Twenty. Twenty-one when Finlay was born. It wasn’t just that he was older, though. He was also married. It reallywasbad. Everyone liked him, he was a rising star, and I was seen as—well, it felt like that book.The Scarlet Letter.There I was, with my belly and my shame. It was pretty hard to finish my diploma. The dumbest thing I ever did, and then the hardest thing I ever did.”
“How was that your shame? You were vulnerable. That’s why it isn’t allowed.”
“Oh, I knew what I was doing. Sleeping with a married man who never quite said he loved me, that’s what I was doing. Expecting him to leave his wife and kids for me.Wantinghim to do that. It wasn’t my most shining moment. Pretty awful, if you want to know the truth. I’d been stupid, but worse, I’d been wrong. I’ddonewrong.”
“Mm,” Zane said. “Of course, heaps of us have done wrong. We just haven’t necessarily been found out.”
“Well, when you are, it’s scarring. At least it was for me.”
“And your parents?”
“Ah. Well. Yeh. They’re pretty religious. Christian. They wouldn’t have me back.” Now shereallywanted to curl into a ball.
He frowned. “Tossing out your kid for a mistake, even a bad one, doesn’t seem Christian to me. My parents are churchgoers too. They haven’t chucked any of us out yet, and we’ve probably done worse. Isn’t there something about casting the first stone?”
“I know. I know what you’re saying. But they didn’t turn their backs on me. They did as much as their principles would allow. A loan to get a place to live, a car. I was still pregnant then, and I was …” She swallowed. “I was terrified. I got some maintenance from the father once Finlay was born—not much, as he’d been sacked for misconduct and had to take a different job—but before that—” She stopped.
He had her hand again. “Your granddad helped, I’m guessing.” He didn’t sound accusing, or even disappointed. He sounded matter-of-fact. Like, maybe, somebody whohadmade his own mistakes. Or maybe that was wishful thinking too.
“My grandparents,” she said. “They broke with Mum over it, in fact. They’re her parents, but they were on my side all the way. Never very happy about her following my dad into his church, I suspect, but it’s not something we talk about. But, yeh, they were there. Gran even went to the childbirth classes with me. She was such a rock, even sitting on the floor for the exercises. How she joked about that, saying that I’d better keep myself strong, because she’d never be able to pull me up off the ground by the end, and I wouldn’t be able to pull her up,either. There we’d be, stuck as beached whales. She said other things, too. All the things you’d say to your child, your grandchild, if you loved them. At least the thingsI’dsay. That I’d made a mistake, and, worse, a bad choice, awrongchoice, but it wasn’t the end. It wasn’t going to be my whole story. She watched Finlay when he was tiny, too, so I could start working. So I could start over. And that’s what I did. So you see—” She smiled as best she could, wishing she hadn’t shared all this. Did she know how to attract a man or what? “It all worked out. We all make at least one big mistake in our lives, probably, and that was mine. Well, that and the next stupid thing I did. Another fabulous learning experience. And yet I got three pretty good kids out of it, and we’re all fine now. Enjoying our whanau. Enjoying our lives. Enough to eat, and a home of our own. Even if we never travel to Wellington, we’re fine.”
21
OPENING THE DOOR
It was like she’d opened the door to her heart. How often had she told this story? He was willing to bet the numbers were low. He kept her hand in his and said, “He was a prick.”
“Men can be tempted,” she said. “Most girls fall in love with at least one professor, or think they do. They flirt. Theytry.I tried. That’s what I kept coming back to. I tried.”
“Doesn’t make it all right.” He was furious, suddenly. “D’you know how many girls come up to rugby players after the match hoping for exactly that? Sixteen or seventeen years old, sometimes. Even eighteen can be bad enough, because they’re romantic, not like the older ones. They’re still dreaming. You’re told it’s wrong, but most of us don’t have to be told it, at least once we grow up a bit. It’s not equal, and it’s not OK. I look at Scarlett, how much she thinks she knows, and it scares me, because I know what blokes can be. I know whatmencan be. If it’s not equal, it’s not OK. Full stop.”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re right, of course. But I can’t shove off my responsibility so easily.”
“I’ve noticed that. So you coped. And then your grandmother died.”
“This is a terrible conversation,” she said, “for our fourth date. Our third date. Whatever.” Trying to smile, trying to make it light. Not to open that door too far, to let herself be hurt again.
“I told you about my wife,” he said. “Shit happens. It’s not shameful to say you cared. That you hurt. That you wonder how much of it was your own doing. That’s the other thing I want my kids to know, though—that bad things happen, but you can get through them.”
“Yes. I guess we both know that.” She raised the back of her hand to her eyes and dashed a few tears away. Not looking at him, still. Looking out at the harbor instead, like the water and the clouds and the breeze might take away the pain, and the embarrassment for the pain.
