“Istayed with Sawyer for a couple of weeks. Refused to see my parents or mybrothers until I healed enough that I could brush off the questions.”
“Noone knows about this?” Beau knew his skepticism was apparent.
“Noone besides Sawyer, Jimmy, Greyson and Gavin.”
“Where’sGavin now?” Beau asked, knowing that the answer wasn’t going to be a simpleone, like “he moved” or “he went off to college”.
“Gavin’sdead.” The clouds in Ethan’s eyes disappeared and were replaced withdevastating sadness.
“Dead?”
“Gavinkilled himself a month after that.” The words were a tormented rasp that Beaubarely heard.
“Iloved him. I even tried to forgive him, but he wouldn’t listen.”
“Didyou…” Beau couldn’t even get the question out.
“DidI what?”
“Wereyou the one who found him?”
“Yeah.”Ethan glanced down at the table for long minutes, not saying a word.
Beauconsidered changing the subject, but they had made it this far. Ethan had beenholding this inside for so long, he only prayed that, by urging Ethan to tellthe story, he was able to alleviate some of Ethan’s pain. He doubted it wouldhelp, but he still hoped.
“Gavintexted me. Told me he was willing to talk, but I had to come to his house. Ididn’t want to and told him as much. There was no way I was going to riskrunning into Jimmy. Anyway, I couldn’t say no because I wanted to see him.
“WhenI got to his house, his front door was standing open. I called out, fully expectinganother setup, but there was no one there. The idiot that I was, I walked inthe house and went in search of Gavin. Something pushed me forward, telling meI had to find him. I knew before I even walked in his room what he’d done. Hehad overdosed on some prescription pain pills that his mother had. He was deadwhen I got there.”
Itwas Beau’s turn to look down at the table. Gavin Reardon had killed himself.Had he done it because he was gay? Beau knew the unfortunate statistics ofsuicide. He’d read about them. And young gay men were amongst those with thehighest suicide attempts.
Itwas disheartening.
Thewaiter interrupted them when he brought the bill, but Beau paid him no mind,nor did Ethan. He wanted to show Ethan that he could share his story, and hecould still move forward.
Itmight not be easy, but it had to be done.
Chapter Thirty
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Ethancould hardly swallow past the lump in his throat. He was angry, and he was sadat the same time. He was pissed that Beau had gotten him to open up aboutsomething that he didn’t want to talk about. On the other hand, he feltsomewhat lighter, even if his heart still ached for Gavin.
Noone knew exactly why Gavin took his own life because he didn’t leave a note.Ethan had a theory, not that he would ever share it with anyone. It was obviousGavin was gay and coming out didn’t seem to be an option for him. Especiallyafter the way Jimmy had reacted to Ethan.
Ifhe thought about it, Ethan was pretty sure Gavin had loved him. Although thememory was fuzzy, Ethan was almost certain Gavin had told him as much the firsttime they made love, but again, he would never know for sure.
Andit was true, the bullies were everywhere, especially in their small, rednecktown, and it didn’t help that Gavin’s own brother was amongst them. But Ethanstill carried the guilt because he felt as though he could’ve stopped him.Could’ve made him understand that everything would be all right.
Butwould it have been all right? It surely hadn’t been for Ethan. He’d had to keephimself locked up in that proverbial closet so that he didn’t draw attentionfrom the Jimmy Reardons of the world or he risked something far worse than somecracked ribs, a broken nose and a busted face. He’d been lucky. The evil stilllurked everywhere he turned.
Ethandrained the rest of his beer and spun a knife on the table as he tried tocollect his thoughts. Staring back at Beau, he said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t meanto tell you that now.”
Beaugave him a questioning look as he pushed his beer away. “Would there have beena better time?”
Heheard the annoyance in Beau’s usually calm tone.
No,there certainly wasn’t a good time to talk about Gavin and all that had beenlost back then. Not only had Ethan been beaten, but he’d lost the only man hehad ever loved. It was the one and only reason he didn’t fall in love. Hedidn’t want strings. Nothing to bind him to someone so tightly that he wouldever feel that kind of pain again. “No,” he said simply.
