Right now, my love lifesucked.
* * *
Aknock soundedon my door, and my heart tripped in spite of every effort to stay calm. Had Sam come to see me? Hopefully he wasn’t going to bring up Lilith’s comment. He’d already made it clear that he wanted to keep our lives separate. I didn’t think I could take another conversation full of rejection. There was only so much a girl couldtake.
Sure, he’d made it clear that he still wanted us to have something. Just not everything. And thathurt.
But it wasn’t Sam at my doorway. It was Ramiel. I wasn’t sure that was anybetter.
Ramiel and I hadn’t really been alone since our kiss-argument-makeup-kiss-argument-kiss situation. I wasn’t entirely sure why. It had seemed as though we’d finally come to some kind of understanding of each other, despite our tendency of getting underneath each other’s skin. But he’d still kept his distance. For awhile there, I’d thought I might be the luckiest girl in the world and get to enjoy the attentions of four fallen angels. Now, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to have any of them. Even Az had pulled back in a way. He still flirted with me, sure, but not much more thanthat.
My shoulders slumped and I shot Ramiel a weak smile as he strode into my room with his hands tucked behind his back. He perched on the armchair beside my bed and watched me sharpening my blades. It was the only thing that was keeping my mind and my heart calm through all of this crazy lovedrama.
“You did well today, Erela,” he said quietly. “Good job on figuring out Berith’s clue. You can bet that he expected us to fight the creature. That would have endedbadly.”
“You’re all great fighters, Ramiel. I don’t think it would have ended as badly as you believe.” I set the daggers and the carving block down on the dresser and plopped into the opposite armchair. “But that’s not why you’rehere.”
“What’s going on between you and Sam?” he asked, cutting right to the point. I had to hand it to him. Ramiel knew better than most how to bestraightforward.
“Nothing,” I said, doing my best to keep my face blank. “And that’s how Sam wantsit.”
He arched a brow. “I’d hardly say it’s nothing, Erela. He spent half his nights on the boat in your cabin, and he was determined that you should have the bestroom.”
Despite myself, my cheeks heated again. Damn demon fire. I hated that it was that easy to get me so hot and bothered. “You’re right. We had a thing on the boat. I think we might still have a thing now, but it’s purely physical. Sam wants to make sure that we keep a distance between ourselves. No relationship. Just…fun, Iguess.”
“You don’t sound as though you agree with what Sam wants,” Ramiel said, lacing his fingers together and leaning back in his chair. The movement highlighted the muscles in his arms and in his chest, the thin cotton material of his shirt clinging tightly to his body. My eyes dipped down briefly before returning to his brilliant blueeyes.
“I guess I thought we had more than that?” I asked with a shrug. “Sam and I have a bond. It’s hard to explain. And besides, it feels weird talking to you aboutthis.”
“And why is that? Because we’ve also shared our own physicalaffection?”
Man, the way he said it made it sound so clinical. I made a face. “If that’s what you want to call it,sure.”
“Erela.” Ramiel leaned forward and placed a soft hand on my knee. My entire body clenched tight. “I think we’re all finding this difficult, and we don’t quite know what to think or how to handle this. Every single one of us in the Order, we have feelings for you. I do. Sam does. Uriel does. Hell, Az has made it clear on more than one occasion. But we are brothers. We are bonded, too. We would do anything for each other, and we’re terrified of doing anything that might destroythat.”
“And that includes me.” I slumped back into my chair and closed my eyes. The horrible thing was, I totally understood everything he was trying to say, and the last thing I wanted to do was destroy the bond between the members of the Order of the Fallen. A bond I’d seen on display with my own eyes. They loved each other, fiercely. And I didn’t want to be the thing that broke themapart.
When I’d first met them, the whole idea of more than one lover had seemed so exciting, even if it was impossible. Deep down, I knew it would never work. I mean, hell, I’d spent my entire life thinking I’d never even haveonemale, let alone four. They’d seemed open to it, too, but then…it was as if they suddenly realized that we were all so very close to stepping across a line. Once we moved past it, we’d never be able to stepback.
“Historically,” Ramiel said softly, “romances between males and females in an Order are strictlyforbidden.”
“I know.” I breathed a heavy sigh. “That was definitely part of our curriculum. I guess I just thought the Order of the Fallen wasdifferent.”
“We’re different in a hell of a lot of ways, Erela, but the no-romance rule has it’s place. What happens when more than one of us is interested? Jealousy, anger toward our brethren, competition. What would happen if you and Sam broke up? Anger, irritation, tension. We cannot have that when we’re fighting against enemies that are as powerful as oursare.”
“Because we can’t let anything stand in our way when it comes to our fight against the demons,” I said softly, a tear in myeye.
“Exactly.” He let out a relieved sigh, as if he’d been worried about my reaction. “You understandthen.”
I understood, but I didn’t agree. The males of the Order, they made me feel things I’d never felt before. They made me feel stronger, more capable, more alive. They made me feel as though I wasn’t a total freak of nature, that despite my horrible background, I was stilladored.
But I wasn’t adored. At least not anymore. Maybe now that they all knew what I was—a demon—they’d realized I wasn’t worth thefight.
Chapter Fourteen
Ramiel
Ipaced backand forth in my room. Uriel and Sam popped by, knowing that I’d had plans to speak to Erela. I’d thought the conversation would make me feel better, but now I felt like punchingsomething.
