Ishovedopen my bedroom window with the tips of my fingers as I perched on the fire escape outside of our third-floor apartment. The chipped wooden frame shuddered at hurricane-leveldecibels.
I paused and sucked hot air into my nostrils. Closed my eyes and counted to ten. If the noise filtered out of my room, down the hall and into the ears of my sleeping parents, Mom would barrel right through the locked door, her intricately-painted nails clutching the fabric of her nightgown into a silky flower of panic. And then that panic would bubble into anger. And then pool into disappointment and distrust. Just likealways.
Next time you sneak out, she’d told me last weekend,you’re grounded for amonth.
Even though I was eighteen-years-old, and even though I’d graduated from high school last month, Mom kept a tight grip on what I could and couldn’t do. And if I got grounded for a month, I wouldn’t be able to attend any auditions, my only chance at getting out of my rut of a life. And moving out of this hellhole of anapartment.
But despite the window’s avalanche of noise, not a single whisper of movement stirred inside the apartment. I threw my legs over the window frame hauled myself over the ledge behind it. After I closed the window, I padded over to my bedside table in boots that squished into the carpet, reaching for the neon blue lamp. And when I flipped the switch, several sights smacked me in the face all at once. Open drawers. Open laptop on my desk. Scribbled sheet of notebook paper on mypillow.
The paper held only three simple, non-threatening words. Well, non-threatening in most situations, anyway. But those three words on this particular night. On that particular sheet of paper. In that familiar loopy scrawl. Well, it was enough to make my stomach sink through the floorboards to join the rats that lived there despite the number of times the landlord had bombed them with poisonousfumes.
Living room. -Mom
Brilliant. For a split second, I considered ignoring the note and crawling under my whisper-thin sheets before Mom could realize I’d slithered back home, but deep down I knew it would be way worse if I did. She’d get my stepdad involved. And if she told him about it, my punishment would be far, far worse than a simplegrounding.
I shivered at the thought of what he mightdo.
With a heavy sigh, I kicked off my boots and cracked open my bedroom door. It was silent and still in the apartment, like the calm before a storm. From down the hallway, I could hear the distant sound of snoring, a sound that set my frazzles nerves at ease. Mom might be awake and waiting for me in the living room, but Dan clearlywasn’t.
I didn’t have to beafraid.
My doctor had taught me a few coping mechanisms when it came to panic, though they really only helped when I wasn’t already, you know, panicking. Still, they slowed my rapid heartbeat at times like this, when I dreaded walking from my bedroom and into the rest of the apartment. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths in through my nose and out through barely parted lips, repeating it until the veins in my neck didn’t feel as though they were throbbing against myskin.
I left the safety of my bedroom and tiptoed across the hallway to find Mom waiting for me on the sofa. She glanced up from her book, her long legs curled underneath a scratchy woollen blanket. Even in the dead heat of summer, she always had to have a blanket. Her black as night hair hung in natural waves around her bony shoulders, and her silver-rimmed glasses perched on the tip of her pencil-thin nose. Everything about her screamed librarian, maybe because she wasone.
“Norah.” She frowned and eyed me over the rim of her glasses before closing her book. She patted the empty spot on the brown leather couch. I bet she’d been waiting all night to make that exact move. “Comesit.”
“I know what you’re going to say.” I held my ground and curled my toes against the hardwood floor. If she was going to take away the most important thing to me—my auditions, my dancing—then I needed to hear those harsh words standing up. Otherwise, they might knock me flat on myass.
“I said, comesit.”
My feet tried to grow roots, but it was no use. I made my way over to the couch while the AC buzzed like a thousand angry insects. Mom’s dark brown eyes followed my every movement as I sunk into the soft leather and twisted my legs underneathme.
“By the stamp on your hand, I assume you went out to someclub.”
“Idid.”
“Did you have a nice time?” sheasked.
I blinked at the words. They were a total 180 on her usual rapid-fire accusations and red-faced puffs. She must have found my empty room hours ago, and all the anger boiled off while she waited on this couch, like a whistling kettle left on the stove toolong.
“Yes,” I said slowly. “Bree took me out dancing to celebrate my birthday. Since, you know, you and Dan didn’t care enough to want to doanything.”
She winced and glanced away. “You know how your step-fatheris.”
“Yes. I do.”And you should leave him. Tonight, if possible. Please, Mom. Get away fromhim.
She let out a heavy sigh and shook her head, shoulders slumped forward in defeat. I hated that I’d been the one to cause her to look so weary, but I had to remember that it wasn’tactuallyme. Not really. It was Dan, and the way he tried to run this household with an iron fist. And that was more literal than I wanted toadmit.
“You know I need to ground you, Norah,” she finally said, eyes still locked on the hardwood floor. “You snuck out. You didn’t tell me where you were going. If Dan knew,he’d...”
She trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence. Truth was, she probably didn’t know exactly how far he’d go, and I didn’t either. I didn’t usually disobey like this, and he flew off the handle if I was even five minutes late for dinner. There was no telling how he’d react if he knew I’d been out at a club all nightlong.
“Mom, you know I need to go to my auditions,and—”
She held up a hand and shook her head. “Two weeks. No auditions, but you can do your shifts atwork.”
“But Mom,I—”
