“That speech about family and purity? You haven’t put it together because you’re that slow? Or is it because you don’t want to?” Every word cut through my skin to the bone. I could’ve died by a thousand cuts listening to it and only feel the pain of his voice. “Do I need to spell it out? Or will it be easier to just do it? Do you know how hard it was keeping this secret from you for the last few months? Watching you prance out of the house to school, comforting you when you cried about prom, knowing as soon as you graduated I had to do this. You were innocently living a normal life as I lived with the realization of what I was told to do… what I wasmadeto do?”
I wouldn’t let myself cry in front of him. I couldn’t show weakness. The grip he had on my face softened, and his other hand left my hair to grip my shoulder with enough force that it hurt. My breath was stuck in my throat, but that could have been heart palpitations causing my breathing to catch as well… The rapid beat paused with a big skip before getting on track again. His hand was much bigger and wrapped around my face perfectly.
“They are listening by the door, you know. Everyone knows the outcome of this, but you. Their preaching and blessings are all leading up to this. God’s Plan, the prophecy our parents told us? It’s giving you to me. Brother and sister become man and wife. You can’t escape this fate, Cami. You risk death, at best, by the hands of the angry mob outside—and eternal hell in the afterlife. I pray to God you don’t want to risk finding out what they’ll do to you if you try to fight me off.”
The icy look on his face was replaced by a mad thirst. The spark in his eyes intensified as he spoke. He was a predator stalking its prey.
It was coming together. My brother didn’t want to fight this. He wanted to embrace it. And I didn’t have time to go through my memories and try to read if this was his goal all along or something he decided to come to terms with. Did he only know of this in the last few months, or did he have an inkling for years?
I shook my head, my eyes stinging with tears as I failed to stop myself from crying in front of him. I tried to back away from the monster that appeared before me, wearing the face of someone I once trusted with my life. Reed closed in on me.
My knees buckled, causing my legs to give out in terror. He caught my fall, cradling me with his left arm as his right went around my waist. The embrace caused him to graze my arms, which were still tied behind my back. He forcefully kissed me on the lips as I tried to keep them closed, tried to find any way to escape and wake up to realize this was all a terrible dream.
I prayed for this to be a nightmare. Or a coma-induced Hell. I’d rather wake up in a hospital with tubes coming out of me than endure this reality.
He bit my lower lip in protest, and I gasped as he broke skin, my nerves on fire from the sting. I tasted blood as he continued to kiss me, eventually feeling it roll down my chin and onto the floor.
This couldn’t be happening.
He pulled away slightly, his face only inches away from mine. I could feel his heavy breath lingering on my lips. With his chilling smile, the one dimple on the corner of his lip branded itself on my brain. I hated that arrogant look in his eyes. This was not my older brother. I didn’t know who this was, or what demon was summoned to masquerade as my best friend to destroy my life. He reached up to brush away my tears, a look of mock sympathy. “Shhh. Don’t cry, I’ll make it pleasant.” His face brightened as he dropped his voice to a whisper. “Rememberlistening to all those other girls in this room? That same bed? How much they enjoyed it? With how often you had your ear against the wall, I believed you were imagining it was you.” He took a deep, shaky breath. Unable to contain his exhilaration. “That got me off knowing you heard everything. That you know this isn’t my first time, but I’d have yours. Knowing what I knew about our future, forbidden to tell you our family’s plans…” His breath was hot on my ear as he leaned in. “They thought you were too weak to learn about it beforehand, you know.”
I shook my head more rapidly, but this excited him further. I heard a rip and realized he was tearing the dress off me. It slipped off onto the floor, revealing my bra and underwear. He swore under his breath, his eyes starving for more as he held me closer, something impossible seconds before. I cringed as his lips moved to my neck, nibbling and kissing down to the top of my breasts, where the bra couldn’t cover them.
I wanted to evaporate. I wanted to turn to dust. Anything to get myself out of his room. I couldn't think of where I’d rather be because he was all-consuming.
“I always loved you.” He murmured, pulling away from my neck for a quick second. Even his lips were perfect; yet ruined by the view I had of him in that moment. “Always wanted you. I wished every single one of those girls were you. And now, here you are. Delivered to me by our own parents, promised to me forever.”
My neck and chest were bruising from his biting and sucking, the broken blood vessels reminding me this wasn’t a sick joke. It ached, and the only thing I could do to distance myself was run my tongue over the open wound in my mouth and bite the inside of my lip to taste more blood. To keep my nervous system occupied on one source of pain. He lifted me up and tossed me onto his bed. I was soon enveloped in thenauseating smell of his cashmere and musk cologne, and the liquor I smelled earlier.
I could have thrown up then and there. Choked on it. Put an end to this by asphyxiating. Even if I had anything to say, the shock of what was happening caused me to be mute.
He undid his tie and unbuttoned his shirt, sliding it off his shoulders seamlessly before moving on to his slacks. He took those off as well and was in nothing but his boxers. I closed my eyes tight enough to force more tears down my already wet cheeks, hoping it would be done and over with. I had given up on entertaining the idea of fighting him. It would only cause more trouble in the end. Plus, what was I to do with my hands literally tied behind my back?
His mocking laugh echoed in my ears again as he climbed on top of me. My bra was being unhooked and taken off, yanked down my whole body to pause at my tied wrists before Reed growled angrily and ripped the thin straps from the base to get it off.
“What’s wrong? You don’t want to look into my eyes?” I was painfully aware of his presence over me, his body so close to mine. I couldn’t push at him without the use of my arms and hands. I didn’t dare kick him for fear of retaliation. I stayed silent, avoiding a response to his question. “Open your damn eyes.” He growled.
I did so, blinking away the wetness that clumped my eyelashes together. I didn’t have the courage to look away from his eyes to see the rest of him, but it was torture looking into the eyes of my former hero, someone I once held so dearly as they loomed over me, ready for the final act of betrayal.
He groped and grabbed me, and his hands moved down to my underwear. Steady, no hesitation. My heart was in turmoil, beating rapidly only to stop in an instant as he ripped those off too. With bated breath, fingers lingering and grazingin places I never imagined being touched by my beloved older brother.
Was this happening? For a moment, I thought of how I wished I could fly away, to disappear, or simply wake up and wonder what was possibly wrong with my head to imagine such a scene. But I knew none of these were options. This was a reality we were put in by our own parents. A reality Reed knew and accepted what could have been ages ago, and he was excellent at hiding it up until this point. The more interpretation I tried to put into examining his actions that morning, the more I believed it was exhilaration.
What could I say that hasn’t already been said? It hurt. The pain I experienced in…thatplace as he raped me was unbearable. Tears welled up in my eyes again as I willed myself to hold them back. It was a sharp pain that never went away throughout the awful encounter. I had friends tell me it was like being ripped in half at first, but got better after a while. I never had the “better after a while” they spoke of.
Ten minutes of fighting back sobs and screams, trying to send myself anywhere as a distraction as I looked from the ceiling, to the wall, cherishing the few seconds I was able to get away with closing my eyes when Reed couldn’t see them, his mouth on my neck or collarbone. He would bite, kiss, and whisper dirty things I tuned out, feeling the bed shake with the steady rhythm of my brother forcing himself on me. My legs were limp and easily moved wherever he wanted them to .
Whatever noise I made in response to this sinful act got him going faster. Whatever noise I swallowed back or bit my tongue to stop made him angry and more violent. I was resigned to bite my torn, puffy lip to save myself from reacting to him. I savored the taste of iron as my sense of taste worked to overcome my sense of feeling. To just… let go.
It wasn’t over until his grip on my already tender arms tightened, sending needle pricks from my numb wrists up to my shoulder, his bite on my sore neck softening as he mumbled dreamily and twitched. His hands moved from my arms, down, gripping my rear end as he brought my naked body closer to his. Tightening. More bruising I’d imagine. I was battered; not only did I feel like I was hit by a train, but I probably looked like it too. The electric feeling I had from the shock was trying to heal my scars from what happened. My body was naturally trying to save me from the trauma I was enduring, while my mind was playing scenes of birds flying away. Pretty blackbirds, their wings beating in time with each twinge of my nervous system as they turned to specks in the sky of my mind.
He let go of me and got off to collect himself, sitting on the edge of the bed. I was open and wounded, gaping, as if I had been shot and left to die on a street corner. Like I was watching someone else’s life, I turned my head to see the muscles in his back illuminated by the candlelight. He was running his shaky fingers through his dark hair so it stood up, greased by his sweat and panting heavily. Silence, apart from the sound of his heavy breathing. I watched him, but I did not dare move a muscle. I held my breath, fearing he would hurt me or do it again if I did something wrong.
I felt dirty.
He finally stood up, casually reaching for his boxers and slacks on the floor and sliding them on. He didn’t appear guilty or regretful. He almost appeared… casual? Like what happened was normal and routine. Not the worst day of his life, much like it would become mine.
“That was the best I’ve ever had.” He finally spoke, a raspy chuckle escaping after his statement as he found his belt and started running it through the loops on his pants. “It’s too bad you won’t fight like that tomorrow…”
