She took a calming breath. Here was an opening. “I went for encouragement I could not find here. It was reckless and selfish of me to go, but I find I cannot regret it. I have memories of my family that will last me the rest of my life.”
He had leant toward her in interest as she spoke, but when she smiled at him, he suddenly drew back. Mr Willers now held himself stiffly, with a tension in his eyes. It felt like he wanted her to leave.
He could never love her.
“I must thank you for seeing to matters whilst I was gone,” she said, wishing she could take hold of his hand. “I know you had wished to leave in the summer.”
“I could not in good conscience leave whilst you were…awayand with no steward to replace me. I wrote a weekly summary of the goings-on. The accounts are up to date, and there is a list of things a new steward ought to attend to at once. There is also a list of candidates for you. It is all on my desk.”
He said this with a note of finality. If there had been any servants in the house, he would have pulled the bell and asked them to bring her cloak and call her carriage.
“Thank you for being so thorough. Pemberley has been blessed to depend on so talented a man. I—I am sad to lose you.”
He exhaled shakily, and she watched him swallow. “Thank you. Well, I am glad you have come back to us—back toPemberley—safely.” He rose and gave a look to the door as though his thoughts were enough to send her through it. “I am still not sure why you went, ma’am, but?—”
“I have told you, you need not call me ‘ma’am.’” She dropped her eyes, embarrassed at talking over him. How do you tell a man who insists on using your title or “ma’am” that you think about kissing him every time you look at his mouth? “You may call me by my name when we are alone.”
He gave a sad half-smile. “And I told you that whilst I happily grant you the same courtesy, no one in your employ would dare give you your name.”
“You are no longer in my employ.”
“No, no, I suppose not.” He inhaled deeply. “And for that reason, I think we now must part, Miss Darcy.”
She had misjudged every fond look, every private conversation, everything between them that had mattered to her over the past few years. She had thought they were growing closer, but she had been wrong in thinking that he held her in deep regard. She would tell him her foolish hopes. It would flatter his vanity or mortify him, and then she would leave, her only comfort being that she had the confidence to speak after all.
“We may no longer be employer and employee, but could we not part as friends? Have we not been more than owner and steward?” He flinched, and it lanced through her heart. “Have we, have we not been friends?”
From their years of working together, she was not ready to give up on the prospect of maintaining some relationship with him. He could not leave her entirely, without the hope of a letter or seeing him in town over the winter.
There was an unfamiliar awkwardness in his demeanour. He normally moved with such calmness and sureness. His steady competence may have first attracted her years ago. But the way he shifted his weight as he stood and avoided her gaze spoketo his agitation. “I do not think it wise. Miss Darcy, I must leave Derbyshire and settle into my new position, my new life in London, with nothing drawing my mind back here.”
That was what her brother had to do to move forward, to take hold of the happiness he sought. She absolutely refused to cry. Brave women who spoke their feelings of love did not cry. It was past time to confess her feelings and leave.
“Very well,” she whispered, rising. Mr Willers took a small step back from her. Georgiana twisted her fingers together, a youthful fidget that still came to the fore when she was nervous. She could speak before she left, but she could not look at him.
“I have been too much in the habit of keeping my thoughts to myself. I grew up amongst reserved people, and being shy myself only made me more quiet. And I had no friends who could understand what it was like to…” To what? To be a female landlord in love with her steward?
She felt Mr Willers watching her, but she kept her gaze firmly on the floor, only a few inches beyond her own skirts. “Your good opinion has always mattered to me. You speak to me as an equal, and I respect your abilities and saw that you respect mine. But, in the last few years, my feelings for you have moved beyond admiration and friendship.”
A cold sweat broke across her body. It was time to confess. “Before you go, I must tell you that I have fallen in love with you. You have such a good heart, and a good mind too, and every moment I spent with you, I wished you loved me back. I mistakenly thought your manner toward me indicated your attachment, even if it did not equal mine. I am sorry for burdening you with my unwanted feelings. But I could not let you leave without telling you that I love you.”
For all her disappointment, Georgiana now felt better. She had put the words and feelings out in the world, and now she knew she could survive at Pemberley without him. As she staredat the ground, she wondered what she could say to Mr Willers to put him at ease, to assure him she would not presume on his kindness or his patience any longer.
His shoes came into view and his hands clutched hers, their warmth flooding her whole being.
“Georgiana,” he said roughly, “if it is true, say it again. Look at me and say it again.”
Her heart raced to hear her name. Meeting his eye after what she confessed would force her to heretofore unknown depths of bravery. She raised her head, and she felt that rush of awareness again when she met his eye. He stayed silent, gazing at her.
“I love you, Philip,” she whispered.
He gripped her hands tighter, and the adoring expression now in his eyes nearly overpowered her. “You have been the object of the tenderest affection to me for years. For so long, I have loved you deeply, passionately, and steadfastly.”
A moment ago she had only hoped her confession would give her a little respite from suffering, some confidence in having finally admitted her feelings. But now she felt exquisite happiness that nearly staggered her as much as travelling through Nine Ladies.
“If you felt the same, why did you say nothing?” she asked, staring into his eyes. “Why do you want to leave?”
“Over the past few years, I had often wondered if I might gain your affection, but I had no present hope. And after what happened in the music room in June?—”
