She gazed at him and nodded knowingly. “You had to go scorched earth.” He thought he knew what she meant, but he must have made a face because she said, “A ruthless strategy that includes destruction to achieve a goal. But Georgiana’s return has brought to mind everything you renounced in 1812?”
He exhaled heavily. “Her being here is a constant reminder of what I left behind. I tried to escape it by not talking with her, by working more?—”
“I noticed,” Elizabeth said. He saw that she forgave him, that she understood why he had acted that way, even though it had hurt her. “You avoided everyone, but nothing helped.”
“I feel jealous that Georgiana will know my cousin’s children and not mine. I see you with the sister you ought to have had, and it saddens me that any friendship between you can never last. Before, I set it all aside because there was little to remind me of going shooting with Bingley or being teased by Fitzwilliam or an evening in town during the season or, God help me, even Easter at Rosings.”
“But why not enjoy the chance to know your sister as an adult and send messages to your loved ones back with her? Especially since she came here specifically for your help,” she pleaded. “I intend to enjoy every moment with Georgiana while I have her.”
Elizabeth did not understand. “If she’s here and needs me, even if only for advice or validation, it means I still have a place in the past. If Georgiana needs my encouragement, if Fitzwilliam is writing me letters, if Mr Willers won’t propose because he fears my disapproval—” He broke off as they left the moor behind and he wondered how he was supposed to face his sister.“How do I cope with the pain of knowing I love my life here and, after all this time, they still need me?”
His wife squeezed his hand. “I can’t make you feel happy that they love and need you.”
“I had to detach myself from all of them to walk away. A total break.”
“You did a brave thing,” she said, leaning into him as they walked.
“I never felt brave,” he said, surprised. “Leaving never felt impossible, not when I finally had a plan. I was miserable without you, and could have a full life here.”
“You still struggle here sometimes, and you can’t tell me you don’t miss them.”
“I hadn’t thought about them in any significant way in years, and now Georgiana’s being here has shown me all that I’ve missed.” He looked at her as he tried to find the words and saw the feelings in her face before she tried to hide them. “Don’t look at me like that, dearest,” he whispered. “I have no regrets. You can do the right thing and it still hurts.”
“Doesn’t it also hurt to ignore your sister who needs you?”
They stopped at the car, and he busied himself with opening her door to avoid the pleading look in her eyes. “It hurts to know I still have a role in her life, and that I’ll never see her again after the equinox.”
Rather than get in, she stood by the open door and put her arms around his shoulders. “If you’re going to hurt either way, which path will you choose?”
He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers. “Should I choose more heartache over the regret I’ll feel if I don’t spend time with her whilst I can?”
She pulled back to look into his eyes. “I’m going to enjoy her friendship while I have it, even though it’ll hurt to say goodbye. She needs you to encourage her so she can keep going withPemberley, whether or not she marries Mr Willers. Although, we all know my vote is ‘tell her to make a move.’”
He gave a faint smile. “It will be hard, Elizabeth. And it will hurt more knowing I still have a part in that old life. I don’t want it. I want to be here.”
“I know,” she whispered.
When they were in the car, he sat for a moment before putting it into gear. “Should we go home now to talk with her?”
“Oh, not at all,” she said, surprising him. “It can wait another day. I have you all to myself for another twenty-four hours. We haven’t even used the shower yet, let alone the dining table.”
He laughed at her boldness and blushed, knowing shocking him was her point, and he was happy to oblige.
CHAPTER TEN
Elizabeth packed their bag Sunday morning, feeling a calmness she hadn’t felt when they arrived on Friday night. A little honesty and forced proximity with Darcy had fixed everything, and it brought a depth of relief she hadn’t realised she needed. For two weeks there had been a tension under the surface where nothing was fully enjoyed and she was never fully at ease.
They never stayed angry for long. He was too forthright and honest and she too inclined to share her feelings to harbour grudges, at least for the long term. Or maybe they were both just too sensible and too much in love to let resentment or silence linger.
Would she always have tiny doubts about if she was worthy of what he gave up? Possibly, but that was not Darcy’s fault, so there was no point in making judgments based on it.
“Are you ready to leave?” he asked, coming to carry down the bag as if she wasn’t perfectly capable.
“I suppose. I enjoyed having you all to myself.”
He gave a meaningful smile and a quick kiss, likely thinking about how they spent the last of their time alone. “When wehave a summer holiday in August, should we leave Sandra and Georgiana behind and tell Charlotte not to join us?”
They locked the door and went to the car. “No, but maybe we should get a larger place. I wouldn’t want us to be overheard. And we can send them on a few excursions. In the meantime, you can just stop avoiding your feelings with work.”
