“Hey, what was that for?”
“We’re having a tender moment. Don’t give me attitude and ruin it.”
He smiled, the gesture causing his dark brown eyes to crinkle on the sides, and I thought I might die right then. WhenNoah looked at you with that smile, god, you felt it in your soul. “Sorry, Em, please, carry on.”
“Why thank you.” I moved my fingers back to his hair, massaging his scalp. “Okay, I’m no therapist, but what really strikes me is that your parents are grieving, well, avoiding grieving. Instead of feeling the loss, adjusting to the change, they are hyper focusing on this, on Miles, like it’ll bring your sister back.”
“Fuck.” He frowned, not opening his eyes as his whole body tensed. “Sometimes, I feel like I can’t grieve either.”
“It’s really important that you give yourself time.” I swallowed, shaking off my own memories of grieving. Yes, I was thankful my mom was okay now. She wasn’t quite the same, but we could laugh and spend time together. Still, I’d had to mourn what life used to be. My mom worked hard to live independently, but she’d always have a speech delay and mental fatigue. There was the time before her stroke, before my dad’s affairs, and then after. “And I know you already know this, but you need to respect your sister’s wishes. If any of my siblings asked me for something this big, I’d fight tooth and nail to honor it.”
He shifted enough to look up at me. His eyes held warmth and relief. “Thank you,” he said, voice thick and heavy. “I… needed this.”
“I know.” I smiled and bent down, kissing his forehead in what I hoped was a totally not weird way to show him I cared so much for him. He tensed from the contact, and I refused to let myself feel silly. “Do you want me to play with your hair until you fall asleep?”
He pushed himself up, his brown eyes filled with emotions as he gave me that half smile, the one that caused his dimple to pop out. “God, I’d love to take you up on that, but I won’t do that to you.”
“Well, the offer is there.” I swallowed, suddenly nervous. Mygut filled with a million little butterflies took flight the longer Noah stared at me. “Can I ask…a favor?”
He stood, focused on me. “Yes, anything.”
“Just, please don’t shut me out, okay? I want to be here. I want to help.”
“Okay, Em. I promise.”
And maybe it was the strange nerves in my gut or the fact the streetlights cast a shadow on his face, but his voice seemed deeper, lower, full of something more. I smiled, suddenly shy, and made my way to my room… where I totally didn’t think about how hot Noah was.
12
NOAH
Idropped Miles at school early because he wanted to show his teacher the new dinosaur stickers I put on his folder, which had to be a good sign. He ran in without looking back, which always hit me in the chest in a strange way. I stayed there for a second and watched him join the other kids. He even ran the way Nat lived—just effortlessly himself.
It was stupid, but I had a saved voicemail from Nat from years ago. From before Miles that I always kept with me, and I hadn’t let myself play it yet since she passed. Before I chickened out, I found the file and hit play while sitting in the car.
Yo. It’s your favorite sister. Don’t argue with me about it. It’s true even if we had like four others. Which, could you imagine if Mom and Dad birthed more women? Ugh. We’d be so messed up. Mom asked me if I was watching what I ate after I ordered a goddamn soda. I wanted to take the soda and spit it at her like I was eight. I still might. Why are they so… yuck, you know?
Like I want to love them and I do. They are just hard to be around. Not sure how we got to be so normal.She cackled loud, which was contagious. Tears filled my eyes as I heard that familiar sound.Godit had been too long since I heard that.
Anyhooooooo. I’m leaving this voicemail because you didn’t answer my last three calls, which is rude and also suspicious.
If you’re being dramatic, stop it. If you’re being responsible, still stop it.
Call me back before I start telling people you joined a monastery. I would too. They’d believe me. Mom and Dad would lose their fucking minds! Ha!
Also—did you seriously fix Dad’s stupid porch light again? You are not a volunteer handyman. You need boundaries. You deserve to be playing football, getting women, or men, whatever floats your boat. You know I’d love you either way, yeah?
Ughh, fuck you, asshole! Sorry. Driving. People are so dumb. Like hello, can you read?
Anyway. I just miss you. Can I come down for a siblings weekend or something? I’m sure I can get off work. We could get tattoos or do shots or shut off our phones and go dark for forty-eight hours. Yess, let’s do that!
For real. This is a great idea. Call me, doofus. Love you!
My eyes burned, and my chest ached—she’d been so full of life and didn’t give a shit what people thought of her. I loved that about her. The uncomfortable urge to break down trickled up my chest, and I swallowed, forcing it away.
Not now.
Em was over and thank god for that.
