My mother let out a cry that was half a sob.
My father went pale.
“You think this is about winning,” I said. “It’s not. It’s about safety. And you are not safe for him right now. Look at everything you did to what? See him? No. Bullshit. If you wanted to see him, there were a million things you could’ve done but no. Instead of losing one child, you lost two. Best of luck with your lives.”
I turned toward the door before they could say anything else. My legs shook, and each step hurt, but holy shit, that felt good. I could barely breathe as I got to my car, and before I opened the door, my mom shouted my name.
“Noah, wait, please?—”
“No. You’ve made your point. I’ve made mine.” I refused tolook at her. “You need help. Get help and then, maybe, I’ll speak with you again.”
I didn’t wait for a response. I sat in my car afterward, hands shaking against the steering wheel, chest heaving. I didn’t feel better. I didn’t feel relieved.
But, for the first time since Nat died, I wasn’t running from the pain. I wasn’t avoiding it. I let it consume me, and I broke down in my parents’ driveway, miles away from Em and Miles, the two people who made life worth living.
My vision blurred.
I cut the engine and sat there, forehead dropping to the steering wheel as something ugly and broken ripped its way out of my chest. My shoulders shook. My hands cramped where they gripped the wheel. I felt empty and furious and raw all at once. Fuck my sister for dying. Fuck my parents for being selfish.
God. The grief and anger I avoided for months hit me so hard. Would it have been better if I dealt with this when it happened? “Fuck!”
I hit the wheel, my chest cracking in two as I let myself feel it all for thirty seconds. Doctor Mercer said to feel our shit, let it out, then get to work. So, I felt it all.
The anger at Nat for dying. For her not being more careful. For her driving when it rained outside. The fury at my parents for not being open-minded or accepting. The fury at them for trying to control Miles’s future instead of grieving with me.
The bullshit heartbreak that Em felt she had to remove herself for Miles and me to be happy.
The weight of carrying it all. Mourning the life I thought I’d have—playing in the NFL, traveling, partying, having fun. It was gone. In a blink.
I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids, and now I’d have Miles for life, and I’d always put him first.
I wanted to scream and rip my skin off from the feelingsbubbling through me. It was like boiling water in my veins, a poison in my stomach burning me inside out. I slammed my hand on the wheel, screamed into my fist, then exhaled.
In for four, out for four.
Repeat.
I wiped my face with the heel of my hand and forced myself to drive home. I used the time to take more breaths and get my shit together. Once I arrived, m feet dragged on the ground, each step taking more effort than normal to get to the entrance to my building.
That was when I saw her.
She stood outside the building, like she’d been waiting for a while. Sassy sat at her feet, tail thumping against the concrete the second she saw me, leash looped loosely in Em’s hand. Em herself looked…sad. Face blotchy. Hair pulled back in a messy knot. Wrinkles on her hoodie.
But of course, her hoodie had jewels on the sleeves and looked cool as shit.
For one frozen second, neither of us moved.
Then she said my name. “Noah, hi.”
I crossed the distance between us in three long strides and pulled her into me so hard it almost hurt. One was arm locked around her back, the other cradling her head against my chest.
She made a sound—half sob, half relief—and melted into me instantly, fingers digging into my hoodie. Sassy barked once, excited and frantic, then pressed her whole body against my legs like she was joining the hug.
Em buried her face in my chest, her limbs trembling as she gripped me hard. “I’m here. I’m so sorry.”
I shook my head, pressing my mouth into her hair, breathing her in like oxygen. “Don’t do that again. Please. I can’t… do this without you.”
Her shoulders trembled. “I know. I know, I’m so sorry. Ithought—I thought it was the right choice, but it wasn’t. I swear, it was to protect you?—”
