It had been a long time since I’d really looked at Jeffers. He was only ten years older than me, but to look at him under direct sunlight, I would have guessed him having a good twenty years on me. More gray had taken over his thick black hair, and new lines had appeared beside his eyes.
“Say her name,” he demanded, his voice thick with emotion. “Say her fucking name, Adler.”
“Fuck you,” I spat through clenched teeth, my jaw aching from the exertion. “Fuck you, you goddamn hypocrite.”
“Say it,” he repeated, shaking his head. “Say her name and I’ll let you keep the girl, all charges dropped, no questions asked.”
It was a no-brainer. I could say her name and be done with this shit, not have to worry about having to go toe to toe with anyone, especially not Jeffers. And I wouldn’t have to worry about whether I’d make good on my promise to Autumn, even if that promise was one I still didn’t understand why I’d made in the first place.
It was just a name. Just a goddamn, stupid, motherfucking name. I could say it. I could say her name.
Then say it, the voice sang, mocking me.Say her name.
But it was a name I still couldn’t bring myself to say. Not even in my nightmares.
“She’ll need to abide by our rules,” Jeffers continued. “Pull her own weight like everyone else. But I’ll make sure—”
“Take her,” I shot back, my insides trembling. “Fucking take her.”
Jeffers’s eyes widened with surprise, then just as quickly narrowed into slits. His hands fell away from my face and he took a step backward. “You’re not the man I thought you were,” he said. “You’re not the manshethought you were.”
Still shaking with rage, I snorted angrily. “Neither are you.”
Folding his arms across his chest, he jerked his chin toward my door. “Open it.”
I didn’t move; I couldn’t. If I moved, I would kill him. And Jeffers ... he was still the closest thing I had left to family.
Again he shook his head, a pained expression on his face. “One whistle,” he said in a low voice, “and I’ll have half the guards here. I’ll have you restrained, and then I’ll have them tear the damn door off, if that’s what it takes. Is this really how you want this to play out?”
Was it? I still didn’t have a goddamn clue why I was helping Autumn, why what happened to her even mattered to me. I didn’t know her, she wasn’t my responsibility, and I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t give a single fuck about—
But I did. I cared. I didn’t have a fucking clue why I cared, I only knew that I did, that the guilt that had been slowly weighing me down for years, the same guilt that had reached bone-crushing intensity, had lifted somewhat with Autumn’s presence.
Clenching my hands into fists, I took a step forward and Jeffers tensed, readying himself, his eyes scanning me up and down as he watched and waited for what I would do next.
Slowly, I unclenched my fists and reached for his face. He allowed me to place one hand on each of his cheeks and bring him forward. Man to man. Brother to brother. The big brother of the little red-haired girl next door that I’d loved for as long as I could remember. My wife. The mother of my children.
“Jenny,” I whispered, my voice ragged.
When his eyes widened in shock, I gritted my teeth, reared back, and brought my head quickly forward, slamming my forehead into his. And as he crumpled to the ground, half unconscious, I stalked off toward the complex, blurry-eyed and with a throbbing head.
Chapter Eighteen
Autumn
Nervous and apprehensive, I paced the floor. Eagle had left me alone here, trapped with my own out-of-control thoughts and the oppressive silence of this rotten place. I had been muttering, whispering things to myself that I needed to do, but then I forgot them as soon as I released the words from my mouth, my thoughts tumbling on to something else. I was anxious, itching for something to do, waiting for some sort of survival instinct to kick in. Because that’s who I was and what I had always done; that’s all I knew to do, how to pass the time.
Think, plan, scavenge, and hide. Survive.
But now everything was different. In such a short time, everything I knew had utterly changed.
Eagle had said I was safe here, that he would take care of me. And I believed him. Even after what had just happened, I still believed him. Maybe I was just weary, sick of being alone and suffering in silence. Or maybe I secretly craved companionship, someone to share the burden of this world with.
But to trust a man like Eagle? To believe him when he said time and time again that he would keep me safe? For how long would, or evencouldhe? I wasn’t sure. Another week, maybe two? He was unstable, unpredictable, and frightening as hell, but strangely enough he was less terrifying than my only other alternative. But I’d believed him, and for some reason I kept believing him. He was like a drop of water to my dehydrated soul.
“He’s dangerous,” I whispered to myself. “They’re all dangerous.”
I stood by the windows, peering through the minuscule gaps between the planks of wood and dirty windowpanes past that, looking out at the tiny slice of a world just beyond my reach. Always on the outskirts, that was me. Before I had liked it that way, it had kept me safe, and yet now with just the slightest interaction with other people, with this forsaken place, I could feel a foreign need blossoming inside me. The need for something ... more.
