“You considering any of them?” I ask dryly.
“Nah.” He shrugs. “I wouldn’t have minded modeling when I was younger but that’s just a hassle now. I’m too old and jaded.”
“You’re thirty-two. Not exactly ancient.”
He meets my gaze. “I’ve lived a lifetime in these thirty-two years.”
We don’t talk about his past much but I know he’s had a rough life. He’s a felon who served time, and just when he was getting his life together, his fiancée and her son from another relationship were killed in a car accident. He spiraled for a while, got into some trouble, but our old boss, Darryl “Chains” Carruthers, got involved and set him on the right path.
Originally, he was going to move to Atlanta with Chains but somehow wound up in California working for Daniil. I don’t know the whole story and it’s never seemed prudent to ask, but from the outside looking in, he’s doing okay.
“You know what a hot mess I am,” he adds after a moment.
“Actually, I don’t know,” I say, “but knowing the details of your life aren’t a requirement for us to be friends and coworkers.”
“I appreciate that.” He gazes over at Allora. “She doing okay?”
Everyone keeps asking me that, like they know there’s more to us than a professional relationship.
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?” I ask, though it’s somewhat rhetorical.
He smiles. “Is the relationship between you a secret?”
I scowl. “No but—” I cut myself off. I’m not going to tell him we only got together last night.
“It’s new,” he says, nodding. “I get it. And I won’t say anything.”
“You can say whatever you want. It’s not a secret. I just need people to not keep asking me how she is. Askher. She needs to talk about it. She needs to be able to let out all the pain she’s holding in.”
“Not everyone needs to let it out,” he says, lifting his coffee mug. “Some pain has to stay buried deep. Otherwise, it could bring on the kind of chaos not even I’m prepared to handle.”
I stare at him for a beat and nod. “Fair enough. But that’s not Allora.”
“I don’t think she wants everyone she meets asking how she’s doing. I mean, I barely know her.”
“You’re part of her security team. And if we keep seeing each other, she’s going to be a regular around headquarters.”
He hesitates. “Yeah, but I might not be.”
“You might not be what?” I ask, knitting my brows together. “Are you leaving?”
“I got an offer from Lynx.”
“Lynx?” I gape at him. “Jesus, Chris, they’re fucking mercs! They don’t even have a moral code.” I rarely use his first name but he knows I’m not fucking around if I do.
“They pay well and they’re not…” His voice trails in a way that tells me he’s going to say something stupid.
“They’re not what?” I demand, irritated.
“They’re not so…family oriented.” He scowls. “I thought I was ready to be around that again but I don’t know if I am. It’s hard. And sometimes I just want to hurt people. Not my friends!” he adds hurriedly. “I wouldn’t hurt anyone at Shadow. But there have been a few times I’ve wanted to take a swing. At you. At Dan. Something is broken in me, Grim. And I don’t want it to impact people I care about.”
“Lynx will get you killed.”
“I’m already half-dead inside,” he says quietly. “So maybe that’s the place for me.”
I stare at him and he stares back.
He’s not kidding that there’s a deadness in his eyes. The guy I know is lurking behind it but the darkness is winning whatever internal battle he’s waging, and I’m not sure there’s anything I can do.
