No. Stop it. We can’t go there.
But I want to. So, so bad.
I still feel uncomfortable sitting here with my parents. As soon as I have swallowed my last bite, I’m pushing my chair back.
“I am so tired after all the travelling I’ve done today. I’m going to head upstairs for a rest. It was so good to see you all.” I fake a smile as I back out of the room.
“Wait, how long are you back for? Girls’ night next week?” Maya calls over. I think that is the first time she has spoken the full time we have been eating.
“Honestly, I don’t know how long I’m here for. I haven’t booked another contract yet, so I am just going to go with the flow,” I tell her, a soft smile pulling at my lips. “A girls’ night sounds perfect.”
Before anyone else gets the chance to halt me, I rush out of the room and straight up the stairs. I just need a minute to myself to breathe. Today has been an emotional roller coaster. First Liz, then Max. It’s just all a bit too much. I can’t stop the tears prickling at my eyes as I close the bedroom door. I feel so overwhelmed with just, well, everything.
I take my hair out of the tight ponytail I’ve been wearing and massage my scalp. I needed some form of relief from theday. Does he still have feelings for me? After what I did to him? Abandoning him at the first hurdle. I was so young and barely knew myself. But I gave up on us, plain and simple. How could he still show any sign of emotion other than anger towards me? Could he still feel as strongly as I do?
He ruined me.
He ruined me from that very first day with just his kindness and friendship. I was at my lowest point after losing my mum, and it was he who came to the rescue. Maybe I have some kind of hero complex. I wasn’t lying when I said it was only him. It has only ever been him.
Without realising it, I have been pacing back and forth around my bedroom, fingers raking through my hair and silent tears trickling down my cheeks. When a knock at the door shocks me out of my spiral. Fuck, I can’t open the door looking like this. I look like I have escaped a mental institution.
Whoever it is, they don’t give me the chance to decide on whether I should answer or not, as the door creaks open. I spin to face the intruder, only to find Max standing there, his brow furrowed as he takes me in. The last thing I want from Max is his pity. I would take lust or anger any day compared to this.
“Sugar? What’s going on?” His deep voice rumbles with concern as he takes a step towards me.
“Don’t come any closer!” I protest with wide eyes and a hand held out in front of me. The closer he gets to me, the more likely I am to break. “Just go back down to the others and enjoy the rest of the evening.”
“See, here’s the thing. I can’t do that,” he tells me as he edges closer.
“Why the hell not? I have coped just fine without you, I sure as hell will cope now.” I know I’m being a brat. I have no reason to be. After all, it was me who did this to him. Not the other way around.
“You can lie to yourself all you want, but you can’t lie to me.”
He is close now, so close I can almost feel the heat of him on my palm. I hadn’t even realised I still had my hand raised towards him.
“I…” my voice breaks. “I can’t do this, Max. Please.”
He obviously isn’t listening to a word I have said, as he closes the short distance between us and pulls me into his arms, his chest crashing into my hand. I don’t even have the fight in me to pull away. I am weak. Weak for this man, like I always have been.
“Tell me, what’s troubling you so much?” He asks with gentle words.
“Everything. You. Mum. Being here. It’s all too much.” I say, gripping onto his shirt, as if it’s my only lifeline. I breathe in his fresh manly scent, enjoying his warmth as he holds me.
“Sugar, if it’s friendship you need from me, I am here. I know that you don’t want me the same way as you did, and I get your reasons why. I disagree…” He chuckles. “But I get them. Let me be here for you.”
Ugh. Does he not realise this niceness is just making the whole situation ten times fucking worse? I must have done a better job at hiding my feelings for him than I thought if he truly believes I just want him as a friend. God, I wouldn’t be so bloody upset if that was the case. But, he can’t know that. There is too much to lose.
Slowly, he pulls back from me, not letting go. “Friends?” He asks. Then raises both hands to my cheeks, using his thumbs to wipe away my tears. Without realising, I relax into his touch, enjoying the feeling of his hands on me.
“Friends,” I repeat.
What could possibly go wrong?
