“Not on purpose.”I smiled.“But yeah.Probably.Still working them out a little.”
“Makes sense.”She nodded like she understood, her gaze wandering back to Diego.He was chatting with, on one side, a drag queen in platform heels and with a bra on the outside of her dress, and Alyssa, the goth girl from The Pike, on the other.
“Has your mom met him?”Toni asked.
I shook my head.“Not officially.She keeps asking me to bring him around, but I thought…” I smiled ruefully.“I thought he wanted to keep the brakes on.”
She had the grace to wince.“Oof.Yeah, well.You gotta admit, it’s probably smart he did, even if it was for the wrong reason.Put too much pressure on shit that soon and it’s bound to pop.”
“Probably.”I didn’t want to admit I’d thought the same thing myself.“I guess we both put enough pressure on ourselves at first, anyhow.”
“Yeah?Was he weird about stuff?”
“I thought you’d know more than me.”
She shook her head.“Nah.I’m kinda self-involved.I didn’t ask enough questions.That’s how I ended up pissing him off at Picklesburgh, clearly.”
I chuckled at her strange brand of straightforwardness.
“But he’s always a little pressure balloon.Always thinks he’s not doing enough.Always thinks he should be the most.Dunno how he does it.Fuckin’ exhausting.”
“You never wonder if you’re doing enough to be worthy?”I asked her.
She shot me another look, searching for irony, but then answered, “Not really.If someone doesn’t love me, that’s cool.Doesn’t really affect how I feel about them.”
“Or yourself?”
“I mean, I want to say no.I strive for that,” she said thoughtfully.“But Diego just pretends not to care and then cares a fuckload in his head, and it makes him crazy.”
“I always thought he was the bravest motherfucker I ever knew.I still do,” I admitted.
“He is.”She sighed.“But he’s also a goddamn basket case.”
I laughed.“Yeah, well, he says he’s fine and I’m the tortured one now.”
“You’re way too boring to be tortured,” she said.Then winced.“I meant that to be funny, not mean.”
I was still laughing.“I get it.”
“Still.Can’t be easy to come out in your twenties.When everyone thinks they know you already.Probably get a lot of pushback.”
I tried not to show my surprise.“Yeah.Some.It’s also a relief, though.”
“And a mess, I bet.”She smiled knowingly.“All kinds of shit coming up for you?”
I hesitated.Even recognizing this conversation for what it was—both an attempt to cement her apology and to try to get to know her best friend’s boyfriend in good faith—I didn’t know that I wanted to go there with her.
So I just said, “Growing up a faggot football kid in a casually homophobic small town?Yeah, kind of a mess.”
She watched me for a second.Then said, “Respect.”
I couldn’t help it.I know I looked completely fucking surprised, at that.
“We gotta get you more gay friends, buddy,” she said quickly, shifting from foot to foot.“Queer fam is life-changing.Life-affirming, even.Even just having one person on your side…” She smiled again as Diego came toward us, waving.“Look how happy it makes him.”
“I’m looking.”
***
