My turn to nod.
“Did anyonesaythey were disappointed?”
I shrugged.“Not really.Not directly to me.Honestly, covid happened right after, pretty much, so I was old news.There were some comments here and there on social media and stuff that got to me secondhand.He couldn’t hack it, he sucked all along, whatever.It wasn’t fun, but it was true, so…”
“You didn’t suck.”
I didn’t suck, but then I did, and that was just facts.“But my point is, those people didn’t matter to me anymore, so I wasn’t bent out of shape about it.”
He pursed his pretty lips, stirring his drink.“Tell me about your list.”
“The—the list of stuff I need to work on?”
“Yeah.You mentioned it ages ago.Like, the night of the wedding.I got the idea that you were working on not feeling like a disappointment, but what else?”
His interest shouldn’t have taken me off-guard, in retrospect, but in the moment, it really did.Possibly because I was still getting used to his thing for having deep conversations in public places.“I mean, I don’t really care about being a disappointment anymore.”
“Then why does it keep coming up?”
My eyebrows went up without my permission.
He winced too.“Sorry, that sounded harsher out loud than in my head.I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on in there.”
“It’s not that exciting.”
“I’ll make up my own mind, thanks very much.”
I chuckled, as flattered that he was interested as I was uncomfortable trying to articulate this stuff.But this was what I wanted, me and him, being honest with each other.So I’d have to find a fucking way, wouldn’t I?
“I guess… It is a fact that I’ve disappointed a lot of people.So all I can do is acknowledge and accept it.Normally I’d say I need to do better, but I think in this case, I need to prioritize doing better for the people who actually matter.”
“Do you feel like you disappointed Jennie?”
“I mean, obviously.”I snorted.
“But you don’t care.”The way he said it made it clear he knew it wasn’t true.
“I care.Well, I cared.But I accepted it and that made it less… painful, I guess.So I’m just trying to do that with everything, and let it inform how I prioritize in the future.”
“A lot of people question everything when a long-term relationship ends,” he said.“I do it all the time.But you’re so… introspective about it.It’s like the complete opposite of how I go about it.”
“How do you?”
“No, no.First, I wanna hear the list.”
I smiled.“So, obviously, accepting things I’ve fucked up in the past, admitting to them, taking responsibility for them.Not repeating them.”
“Sounds healthy.So does this include the thing where you just avoid anyone you feel like you’ve failed?”
I winced again.“Uh.I wouldn’t say…”
“Look, I don’t care if you never text Jennie again.All I’m saying is, it’s a pattern, clearly.Me, your friends, your exes…”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry.”Then he sat straighter.“Actually, no, I’m not.”
“Don’t be.We should talk about it.And you’re right—my last few texts to you after I left were generic at best, and then I just stopped replying because it… was easier than coming up with something relevant but not emotional to say.”
