“First of all, I think his mom’s—well she’s all white liberal like Annie, so she won’t say shit, at least,” I said.“You know that type hates to look bigoted even when they are.”
She was quiet for another moment.And then she said, “I remember that party, when you finally told him he was fucking shitty for never going public with you.And you cried in my car on the way home.Do you remember?”
I closed my eyes and petted Shortcake to soothe myself.I did remember.Of course I remembered.But like most memories from childhood, it was sort of washed out, the details hard to find, just the general sentiment remaining.Like a brick of cement and barbed wire buried deep in my psyche.“Yeah.”
“And do you remember that night when we heard his father died, like, what?Two years ago?Three?”
Another wince.Fuck.
She went on mercilessly, “Do you remember how drunk we were when we saw it on Facebook?And how you cried and said you wished you could call him, like a goddamn messy bitch?”
Three years ago felt like a lifetime, when someone had posted the funeral details on social media.And I remembered how Taran had idolized his father, and I’d thought about my father, and I just…
Yeah, I might’ve cried and said I wished I could call Taran.“I told him I unblocked him after I found out about his dad,” I admitted.
“What’d he say?”
“Nothing.He was too busy trying to prove he’s different now.More grown up.More authentic, I guess.”
“And you believe him.”Not a question but a statement.One-hundred percent pure judgement.
She thought I was a fucking idiot, and she might be right.This was what I’d called for, an unfiltered Toni Opinion.And boy was I getting one.
When I didn’t respond, she said, “Look, this is what narcissists do, D.They tell you everything you want to hear, they do exactly what you want them to, and they get the hook in.Then they slowly erode your self-worth until next thing you know, you’re stifling everything about yourself just to keep them happy, and they run your whole life.”
“He’s a marketing executive, not a fucking cult leader,” I said.
“I’m just saying.He’s not the type to take someone else’s feelings into account.”
I shook my head like she could see me.“He is.He’s been really careful to, like, check in with me and be open with me.More than anyone else I’ve dated, actually.”
She sighed hugely.“Okay.Listen to me.I get that you want this to be real.”
I winced again, and this time I didn’t open my eyes.
“And okay, yeah, maybe it is.Maybe.But I know you even better now than I did then, and you know I don’t buy your cool standoffish slut act.I also saw firsthand what he did to you last time.I need you to protect yourself while I’m not there to do it for you.”
“You didn’t protect me last time,” I muttered.
“No, but I tried.I fucking warned you, D.”
Yeah.Yeah, she had.At the time, I’d pretended she was just envious because I got the football player, but the dance team girlie she was after wasn’t interested in her.If either of us remembered it accurately now, it’d be a miracle.
“Just take it slow and easy,” she said.“Promise me.”
“I am,” I assured her.On the one hand, this was classic Toni: She treated her relationships like competitions, like she always needed to have the upper hand, or she would lose interest.Which also contributed to her insane girlfriend turnover rate.I was… historically, kinda the opposite.But I didn’twantto be.I wanted balance, goddammit.“I mean, we fucked like right away, but he’s not my boyfriend.”
“He says he wants to be, though.”
“Yeah.”
“Do me a favor?Wait until I get there for your birthday to commit to anything.I just want to feel him out for myself.If he’s really changed, a few months won’t be a big deal to him, right?”
He hadn’tchanged, exactly.He was still the same sweet idiot he’d been in school.But he’d grown up, matured, been through some shit.“I just think he knows what he wants.”
“He wanted to marry some chick six months ago.”
I licked my lips.Opened my eyes.“Yeah.Okay.You’re right.Notthat he’s a nefarious cult leader type, but that I should take it slow and easy.”Becausecool standoffish slutwasan act, even if I’d only ever admit it to her.
