I sighed.This talk was a long time coming, and since I was breaking dams all over the place, why not?“Go ahead.Ask.”
Her smile was still soft, though, her eyes bright.“Sincewhen?”
I wasn’t sure if she meant Diego in particular or if she meant me liking guys in general.I went with the former.“Since high school.We used to hook up in secret all the time, meet up after practice, leave parties at the same time.Teenager stuff.”
Her eyebrows went straight up, though she looked like she was about to laugh.“What?”
“Yeah.”I picked up the wine, in spite of having a totally empty stomach.I needed it for this conversation.“I’m not proud of keeping it secret back then, but there it is.”
She shook her head and gave a little chuckle.But she must’ve seen something in my face, or maybe just had a thought herself, because she sobered quickly.“Honey.I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell us.”
I took a deep breath.“I wish I had.”
The little muscle in her sharp jaw flexed.She’d always been beautiful, with incredible bone structure and bright blue eyes that put mine to shame.But she was getting more beautiful as she aged, I could’ve sworn.
I sighed.“Dad said some crazy stuff, sometimes.”He called everything he didn’t likefaggy.“So did the team, the locker room, the coaches, the scouts.And there was the pressure.I thought it’d hurt my chances, if I’m honest.”Because he told me it would, if not in so many words.But I’d had a mind of my own, back then, so it was no excuse.“Again, not proud of myself.”
She hesitated.“It… probably would’ve.Maybe not now, but then it would’ve.”
I shrugged.“There’s not a single out player in the NFL to this day, Mom.”
“That can’t be true.”
I shrugged.I’d looked it up.Every year for the decade, at least.
She shook her head.“But you could’ve told me.You know that, right?”
I nodded.It would’ve been hard on her if I’d asked her to keep it from Dad.I don’t think I could’ve done that to her.But the truth was, “I haven’t been with another guy since.He’s still the only one, actually.”
“Oh.”Her brow creased.Then smoothed out, eyebrows high once more.“Oh.”
I flushed and took a swig of wine to hide it.“I don’t know why he decided to give me a chance, but I want to do it right this time.”It felt good to say it out loud.Sounded less like I was jumping through hoops and more like I was just really, hopelessly smitten.
“I don’t remember; was he always that handsome?”
I smiled.“I thought so.But he’s definitely gotten—yeah.Even more handsome.”That was one word for it.
“You have good taste,” she decided.
I chuckled.“Yeah.”
“I’m happy for you.I worried about you for a while.After Jennie.”
Our food came right about then, which gave us both a minute to breathe.I was thinking about how I should invite Diego to one of these lunches, to keep things lighthearted while he got to know her.
When the server left us with our plates, Mom asked, “So, about thecrazy stuffyour father used to say…”
Dammit.Thought I’d managed to sneak past that one.I took another drink, trying to think of the gentlest way to word this.“He raised me to be anti-racist, anti-classist, liberal-leaning, compassionate in general.The homophobia is kinda baffling, honestly.”
I couldn’t get my head around it.How had the guy who’d sat on the couch with his arm around me doingLord of the Ringsmarathons every other month been the same guy who’d dismissively declared Mickey Mouse afaggot?It didn’t fucking compute, and for a long time, I just lived with that.
But I didn’t want to anymore.Not because of Diego, but because ofme.
Her mouth tightened.“It was like that, in our time.”
“Yeah, I know.”I tucked into my moussaka.Maybe acting like this wasn’t a high-stakes conversation would help it feel that way, huh?
“He loved you so much,” she said quietly.“He would love anyone you did, too.”
