We were quiet for just a second longer, the moment suddenly full of meaning, full of something I couldn’t articulate.Gratitude, affection, love.
And then Diego said, “I can’t believe she brought up spanking you.”
And we dissolved into laughter for another ten minutes.
***
Dear Dad,
I think this is insane, because I don’t believe in the afterlife.I wish I did, because it’d be nice to think you were out there somewhere listening to me.But I don’t, so
I sighed, tore out the paper, crumpled it, and threw it into the trash.
Dear Dad,
I don’t know where or what you are now.But I know there’s a part of you in me and Mom both, and I know I’m grateful for that.I’m grateful for you teaching me to throw a ball and for having LotR marathons with me.I’m grateful that you taught me it was okay to be sad and happy and scared and generally have feelings, because a lot of guys never heard that from their father.I’m grateful you never acted disappointed, even though I know I disappointed you sometimes.
Fucking sad.If I got the chance to talk to him again, I wouldn’t want to sound sad.I’d want to sound firm, and rational, and make the most of the opportunity.I’d want to make myself as clear as possible.
I tore out the page, crumpled it, and threw it.
Dear Dad,
You used to say that parents knew more than kids thought.It was a good tactic for a while, because I assumed you knew every time I swore in the locker room somehow.Then somewhere in middle school I realized you didn’t, and you couldn’t, and what a fucking relief that was.
Nope.Nope, now I was just getting shitty.I crumpled the page.
My phone buzzed on the table next to me.I picked it up and saw he’d changed his name in my contacts so it had a heart beside it.I kind of loved it.
Diego <3
Are you ready for some serious catharsis this week my good bitch?
Nope.
Can I help to get you ready for some serious catharsis?
It’s just a grave visit.
That stoic shit might work on someone who doesn’t know you, you big fucking marshmallow of a man.
Trying to write out what I want to say.
Not going well?
No.How’s the recording going?
It’s fun.Kinda cool to have the whole cast here reading at the same time.I guess that’s unusual.
He had a job narrating a local author’s kids book with a bunch of others this week.Fittingly, he was playing the misunderstood friend with a tough home life who teaches the main character lessons about love and friendship.Or something.
Classic Diego.
You’re crushing it, I’m sure.
We’ll see.If they like me they could ask me back for another one.
You got this.
