“Can I ask you a question?” I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall to face her.
“Of course,” she answered.
“How do you reconcile working with me, helping me control my temper and not lash out when you’re the old lady of the club’s sergeant at arms? Isn’t that his job? To beat the shit out of people?”
Haizley smiled. Of course she did, because she knew what I was asking. Why was it okay for the club to handle shit the way they did, but I couldn’t? Why the fuck couldn’t I beat the fucker who hurt my family within an inch of his life?
“Gunner’s job is not to beat the shit out of people, Derek. It’s much more complex than that. Yes, he handles discipline, mostly with the club members. But that is a last resort. For the most part, he maintains order, conflict resolution, security, etc. Also, he doesn’t talk to me about club business, so who he does or doesn’t beat the shit out of is not my concern.”
“But I am your concern?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because you came to me for help. You lost control and beat the shit out of someone you loved. Someone far weaker than you. Because your anger and lack of control came from a place of childhood trauma.” Haizley took a deep breath. “Your motives are honorable, but the man has paid his penance.”
“Has he? I don’t know if he has or not. Is he still in jail? If not, how long did he serve? Was it enough for what he did? Because I am telling you now, when Frankie told me he went to jail for hurting them, my mind went to a dark fucking place. She saidus, Haizley, not me. Not her mom.US. He fucking hurt them both and I need to know what he did.”
“Then ask them.”
“What?” I pushed off the wall.
“Ask Kat and Frankie what he did. They can both give you the answers you need.”
“I can’t,” I replied, turning back to the window. “Kat told me to stay away from her daughter.”
“What happened?”
I spun around and glared at her. “I didn’t fucking touch her.”
“Derek, please sit down.” I fell onto the couch, tired and angry. “I never once thought you hurt her. But something happened for Kat to ask you to stay away. Was it the day you worked on the house?”
“No. It was a few days ago. They were in the diner when I stopped to grab lunch. Frankie asked me to have breakfast with them, and I turned her down.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t be near them. I can’t be in their lives.”
I closed my eyes and thought about the day I fixed the sink. Kat looked so sad sitting on that step, and when I touched herleg without thinking, something shot through my hand. Static electricity, maybe. Or a charge of something else.
Something deeper, more meaningful.
Kat was gorgeous. She was sexy and strong, and protective of Frankie in a way my mother never was. But there was more to her than being a mom. I wanted to see more of that. I wanted to get to know her as a person.
“If I’m in their lives, I have to tell them who I am.”
“And you’re afraid if they find out who you are, they won’t want you around.”
“I’m afraid that if they find out who I am, they’ll find out what I did. I don’t want my daughter to know what I did.”
I didn’t want Kat to know either. Didn’t want her to see the worst of me. There was no way to keep them from finding out, so the only option was to keep my distance.
“You still haven’t forgiven yourself.”
“I never will, Haizley. I can work with you until I’m dead, and there is no doubt you’ll teach me how to be a better person. But there is no excuse for what I did. No logical reason that can explain away or atone for it.”
“Let’s end here for today. We’ll talk about forgiveness next week.”
