Everything issuffocating.
Luke turns off the television again and looks at me asthough he can physically shield me from a regulatory agency.
“I won’t leave,” he says.
“I know,” I answer.
And I do know. That’s not the fear. The fear is quieter than that. It isn’t that he’ll leave. It’s that this machine will grind slowly enough to wear us both down.
They didn’t send threats. They didn’t shout. They didn’t confront us head-on in a physical altercation to settle the score.
They sent paperwork. And paperwork doesn’t look like war. It looks like policy, rules, violations, and regulations. Which is far more dangerous.
The promos over the past week have really taken a toll on me. It freaks me out when I’m instantly recognized and asked to give them the scoop because they can’t wait for the show to air. I have to respectfully decline because of legal restrictions on appearing on the show, but I can honestly say I’m happy to be bound by the law this time. Most people accept that answer and move on, but a few have promised not to tell a soul. As if that were even plausible.
I've received several hang-up calls on my home phone and a few unknown callers on my cell that refused to sayanything. Luke has called them—or I should say,him—every name in the book to try to goad him into responding. No luck in that, but the calls keep coming. I know he wants me to be afraid, but I refuse to give him that satisfaction. I can handle whatever he does to me, but when he messes with those I love, that's a different story. But I'm holding firm.
We made the rounds among our friends and family to share the good news that Luke proposed to me in person. I was surprised to learn he had asked Pop for permission while he was at the gym. When Pop said yes, Luke immediately went and bought my ring.
I still can’t believe this is happening. I’m about to start my own family, even if it’s a family of two for now. Luke’s parents were thrilled. His sister, Alicia, wants to throw my wedding shower, and my girlfriends can’t wait to throw my bachelorette party.
Brandon was a little more subdued at the news, but he said if this is what I want and what will make me happy, he is all for it. Luke had an odd look on his face, and I must admit I felt a little uncomfortable. I love Brandon like a brother, and I get the feeling he's trying to protect me from facing the problems Luke and I had before. I certainly can’t blame him for that. I don’t ever want to go through that again.
Now that I think about it, Luke has been acting strange this week. As in the kind of strange that's secretive. He’s been on the computer with his serious expression—brows furrowed, chewing on the end of his pen, and huffing and puffing like he’s frustrated. I know he’ll tell me what he’s up to when he’s ready, but I still have a hard time shaking my old abandonment issues.
To take my mind off things, I’ve been prepping for the song I’m singing this weekend. With everything going on, it feels frivolous to still compete in the club’s singing contest. There’s really no prize to win other than bragging rights, and I don’t believe in bragging. But this song feels different to me. Every lyric echoes a piece of the fight I’ve been living—standing my ground, refusing to back down, and turning every wound into ammunition. I’m secretly hoping Jackson is there again because this song is for him. Even if he isn’t, I have a feeling there will be plenty of people there to record my performance, especially after my interview airs on Friday.
I’m looking forward to this one.
After all this bad publicity, the CEO of MaxMorgan Music called me, and we talked for over an hour about everything that's happened. He hinted at my stepping down as Executive Chair until he heard about my conversation with Travis Malone, and he quickly reconsidered.
“Hey, baby, what are you doing?” I ask Luke as I walk into the den. He shuffles some papers, quickly puts them away, and stands to meet me. He draws me into his arms and kisses me senseless.
“Waiting for you, of course,” he replies slyly with his sexy grin. “How about I take you out to eat tonight? There's a new Mexican restaurant close to the gym that's splendid."
“Hmmm, sounds good. What have you been working on in here?” The curiosity got the best of me.
He pulls back and looks at me for a second, and I could tell he was weighing his options. Use my tactic of dodge and deflect? Straight up lie? Cave and tell the truth?
Dodge and deflect, it is.
“Boring stuff. I'll tell you about it later," Luke replies, and cuts his eyes to my left. One sign of lying. But why would he lie?
I try to keep my emotions neutral and give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it's a surprise for me, and I'm about to ruin it. So I pull up my big girl panties and deal with it. He wouldn't be here if he weren't happy with me. I refrain from saying or doing anything stupid, and we have a great Mexican dinner.
Somehow, we both felt relaxed and happy tonight, evenknowing the storm brewing just outside. But tonight, we’re just a happy couple enjoying an evening together.
It's finally Friday morning, and I slept absolutely none last night, and it wasn't all Luke's fault this time. It was partly his fault, but mostly because I know the interview will air first thing this morning, and then all hell will break loose. I got up early to shower and prepare to face the day. Now I'm sitting at my kitchen table, and my Keurig just provided my morning cup of heaven.
Luke bought Panera Bread bagels and cream cheese yesterday. Out of sheer anxiety, I slather a cinnamon crunch bagel with honey walnut cream cheese and devour it in record time. No longer able to wait, I turn on the television and wait for the interview to air. The promos have increased in length to provide more information and entice viewers to watch.
And it’s time.
Luke and I sit glued to the show, and neither of us speaks during the whole hour-long interview. Throughout the show, the camera pans to the audience, showing some people crying, some shocked, and, of course, some in complete disbelief. At the end of the show, Lindsay added a few minutes to say a few words of her own. She spoke words of support and belief in me, even knowing that there would be severe backlash from certain influentialcircles.
When the show ends, Luke turns to me and pulls me into his lap. Planting kisses all over my face and neck, he whispers words of love and encouragement to support me. “I’m so proud of you, Andi. You gave a great interview. The audience loved you, and even Lindsay Blair was on your side.”
“I’m still in shock over it.”
