But this, how he’s holding me, the tone of his voice, the sultry way he whispered only to me, and even the kiss on my cheek, all of this feels like so much more than friends. But he won't say it, and I won't say it until he does.
I want it. I want him. I want the more-than-friends stage with him, but I won't push him for it so that he'll just blame me for it later. If he doesn’t come to that conclusion on his own, we won’t ever move past the friend stage, no matter how much it hurts me. I never let the pain show, though. I’m sure he knows I’d love to have more, but I won’t pressure him for it.
I’ll gladly take our time together as friends, where I get to know the real Luke. There is no one else I want to date.Not that I dated much before he came along, anyway. But if he dates someone else, I will back off and let that be the end of any hope I have of us being more than we are. Until then, I’ll take all the time he gives me and love every minute of it. I especially like this when we’re with his family and having so much fun.
I hear Luke talking to some people a few feet away, and he's talking about me. “Andi is a phenomenal singer. You should hear her. She can sing most anything, and she plays the guitar and the piano. She’s even self-taught. She amazes me."
They all turn and look at me with interest. My eyes dart nervously from one person to another. Surely, they don’t expect me to sing here, at Gran’s party.
"Andi," Luke's smooth voice calls out. "Sing us a song, sweetheart." The people around him smile and chime in with their agreement.
“Um, I don’t know about that. I don't have any music, and I haven’t practiced anything… and this is Gran’s party. That would be rude of me." I'm hedging, and they all know it.
“I would love to hear you sing for me on my birthday, Andi,” Gran’s beside me again, smiling as she takes my arm in hers. “Sam and Linda have an acoustic guitar youcan play and sing for me. Gather around, everyone!" Gran calls over her shoulder to everyone, and they all gather around us as Alicia hands me the guitar with a smile.
Great…no pressure…
They probably wouldn't enjoy most of the songs I sing at the club, so I pick a slow song by Halestorm that I've loved since the first time I heard it. I can play it all on the acoustic guitar and keep it tame for Luke’s family. Luke walks up with two barstools and takes a seat beside me.
“This song is called ‘Beautiful With You,’” I say, then start strumming the guitar strings.
This song is meaningful to me for several reasons. Guys frequently hit on me, so I know I'm at least attractive. But I’ve never felt beautiful. I’m sure it has everything to do with my childhood issues. But I feel more beautiful after spending so much time with Luke, and I don't mean just in physical appearance. I mean, beautiful inside, where it matters the most.
The lyrics to this song speak to my soul about so many things I've been through in my life. Being beautiful to someone else despite your mistakes and flaws. Someone who understands you and knows the scars you carry inside and out, but only loves you more because of them. That’s how Luke makes me feel. While I can't dedicate it tohim in front of everyone, my heart wrote the words of this song to him, for him. Even if Lzzy sang it first.
I purposely keep my eyes from locking on Luke’s while I am singing. It’s already so obvious that I’m crazy about him, so I don’t need to add to it. But I feel him intently watching, and I can see him in my peripheral vision. Brandon moves directly in front of me during the song. I half expect Luke to move his barstool to block Brandon's view, but Luke doesn't seem to notice anyone or anything besides me.
Everyone claps enthusiastically, and Gran rushes me, elbowing both Luke and Brandon out of the way, to give me the first hug. One cousin bumps Luke with his elbow, and Brandon sweeps in while Luke’s distracted. I laugh and hug Brandon until Luke realizes what’s happened and pushes Brandon aside. Luke wraps his arms around me for a hug and whispers in my ear.
“You are beautiful,” and kisses me on the cheek.
I can feel my face heat as I reply, “Thank you,” because I don’t know what else to say.
Later, we say goodbye to Gran and Gramps, the aunts, uncles, and cousins, until all that’s left is Luke’s immediate family. I walk to the backyard to gather the leftover dishes and clean up. I’d never leave Luke’s mom to do all this alone, especially after she was the one who made somuch of the food for us. After a few trips back and forth with full arms, I deliver the last load to the kitchen and walk back out to gather the garbage.
The outdoor string lantern lights are lit, casting a subtle glow across the yard, and the lights are twinkling off the water in the pool. It would be romantic if I had a boyfriend to share it with, but I only have a friend who is still in the house. I stop for a minute just to take in the entire backyard landscaping, getting ideas for my yard, when I feel a pair of muscular arms wrap around me from behind.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Luke murmurs in my ear.
Dodge and deflect are activated again. He hasn't said it yet, and he will not trick me into saying it first. “I’ve had a great time tonight with your whole family. Thank you for bringing me, Luke.”
“My whole family is in love with you, Andi. I've had to fight them off the entire time so I can keep you for myself."
His words are so sweet, and I could read between the lines if I let myself, but I'm sticking to listening to his actual words and watching his actions. Until he says it and shows it, we are only friends, and I will hold him to mean exactly what he says. No double meanings are accepted.
“Your family is great, Luke. And they are all so proud of you and what you’re doing.”
With that, he turns me to face him before he speaks again. “The only reason they’re so proud of me now is because of you, Andi. Because of what you told them about boxing and what you told them about me. They see me through your eyes now. You do not know how much that means to me. How much I appreciate you standing up for me like you did today.”
I’m so overcome with emotion that I can’t speak. I knew Luke needed someone to believe in him, but I saw firsthand today how he's been alone in his dream. Much like I’ve been alone in my life. I reach up and gently stroke his jaw with my hand, and he leans his cheek into my hand. His eyes hold mine, and even though I want—I desperately want—to read his feelings through his eyes, it could very well be only gratitude. I won't put my heart on the line for a mere case of appreciation, no matter how hard I'm biting my tongue right now not to say the words first.
Brandon saves me from biting my tongue in two when he joins us outside. “Sure looks like more than ‘just friends’ to me, Luke. You certain you don't have something to tell us?" The light teasing is clear in his voice, so it's clear he's not trying to start a fight. He must know plenty about Luke’s commitment phobia.
Luke’s spine straightens at Brandon’s words, and his muscles tense up. He’s still looking at me, but the adorationI saw just a few seconds ago has been masked. I’m so disappointed right now, I can’t even hide it, so I lower my hand and look away from Luke. He still hasn’t answered Brandon’s question, and I don’t think he plans to at this point.
“I should finish picking up for your mom,” I hear the disappointment in my voice despite my best effort to keep it out. I can’t help but feel like that’s the same as putting pressure on him in a passive-aggressive way. That’s not my intention at all, so I busy myself with garbage bags and picking up used paper plates, plastic forks and spoons, and paper towels. I make efficient work of it and step around the side of the house to put the garbage bag in the can.
When I come back around the house, Luke and Brandon are still standing too close, speaking too low.
