Is she the one? The one I can’t live without? The one I spend the rest of my life with? I can’t picture my life without her in it now. She’s the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last on my mind before I fall asleep. Even in the time that we were only working together and not lovers, she haunted my thoughts and consumed my dreams.
These are all the things I can’t bring myself to tell her yet. We’ve only started exploring our Dom/submissive relationship, and I’m not convinced that her previous experiences will allow her to fully enjoy what I can offer her. Being honest with myself, I’m not sure I would be fulfilled without being able to fully explore with her, to push us both to our limits and beyond, just to see how much pleasure we can experience. On the other hand, I don’t think I would be fulfilled doing those things with anyone else now that we’ve crossed that line into a relationship.
She lazily lifts her head from my shoulder and places a sweet kiss on my lips. “What was that for?” I ask her.
“For always knowing exactly what I need and what I’m feeling. I’ve made a decision,” she states.
I arch my eyebrow at her dubiously and wait for her epiphany. “And what’s that?”
“I’m following my heart, Dom. I’m not strong enough to ever leave you. I’m running to you and I’m never letting you go,” she softly declares. “Don’t break me. Please don’t break me.”
Capturing her face in my hands, I pull her mouth back to mine as I pour my feelings into our kiss. I can’t say it yet but I can make her feel it, I can show her, and I can do everything in my power to make sure she stays. “You’re safe with me,My Angel. I would never hurt you—you’re part of me now. You’re the one I’m falling for and I’m beginning to believe you’re the one I’ve needed all along.”
Her tears run unchecked down her cheeks as her eyes shimmer with the love that’s bubbling underneath. She snuggles back into her spot and I wrap my arms around her. Like hot magma, just under the earth’s surface ready to erupt into a great volcano, her love is waiting for its opportunity to spill over. The way Sophia looks at me, the way the depth of her brown eyes pull me into her soul, and how she tries so hard despite her past are all indications that this is the love I’ve waited and searched for over the years.
I just can’t tell her yet. My own past experiences are still lingering in the dark recesses of my mind—and in my heart. It’s like a knife stabbing me every single time she gives more of herself to me. I feel like I’m holding out on her, like I’m keeping a secret that could change everything between us. It’s that thought that plagues my mind day and night. It makes me question if I’m good enough for her, if I’m strong enough to carry the load for us both, and if I can be the kind of Dom that she deserves, that she needs, and that will bring out the best in her.
The man I want to be for her and the heartbreak of my past are warring in my mind for the preeminent position. While I know I should tell her and give her the chance to leave now before I’m in over my head, I secretly think it’s too late for that. I think I burned that bridge when I allowed her to call me ‘Dom,’ the name no other has ever been allowed to call me. My mom knew it immediately when Sophia said it, even though I wouldn’t look at Mom and verify her unspoken question.
Now, here I am, having brought Sophia home to meet my parents, introducing her to our way of life, and effectively making her a member of the family. Oh, and there’s also the fact that, as a grown man who has the utmost control over his emotions, I just made love to her in the backyard of my parents’ house. That probably counts forsomethingin the way of commitment.
Yet, I can’t make the same declaration she just made. I can’t tell her I love her and have her say it back to me yet. I can give her anything—I will do everything in my considerable power to protect her, shelter her, and care for her…except for those three little words that would mean so much to her. I feel like such a failure and a hypocrite in that area.
I don’t know how long I’ve sat here and mused over our fate, but the skies are very dark now and most of the lights coming from the area of the house have faded to near black. “Sophia,My Angel, we need to go in and get some sleep. It’s been a long day, love,” I coax her awake.
She stands and straightens her skirt as I adjust my pants. Walking back to the house, Sophia shuffles her feet in exhaustion and leans into me for support. I quickly hook one arm under her knees and one at the small of her back to carry her the rest of the way. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she’s sound asleep in my arms within a minute. Her sweet breath is warm against my neck and her hair tickles my face, but I still nuzzle as close to her as I can get. I think she’s under my skin now—there’s no turning back. I may not say it, but it’s there.
Like any other secret, it can only stay hidden for so long before it comes out for all to see. That knowledge is the only thing that scares me. Secrets, truths, lies, and regrets—there are just so many. Hindsight provides too much clarity, points out too many things I should’ve handled differently, and reveals too many missed opportunities that I didn’t see at the time. I’m smart enough to know that hindsight doesn’t guarantee a better outcome—maybe not even a different one. The thing is, I will never know.
Carrying her to our bedroom, Sophia barely notices when I remove her clothes and get in the bed beside her. She turns on her side and I spoon her from behind, pulling her close to me and noticing the way her body molds perfectly into mine. Nuzzling my face into her hair, I kiss her head goodnight and wish I could say it, even now while she’s asleep. The last thing I remember is falling asleep to the rhythm of her breathing.
“Dominic! Dominic! Wake up!” I hear the sweet, feminine voice calling to me. I see her face in my dreams and I rush to her. She’s just out of my reach, no matter how hard I try or how fast I run to her. I can’t reach her and the foreboding feeling of impending doom is heavy, like a wet blanket covering me and suffocating me. But I can’t give up because she needs me. She’s still calling me.
“Dominic, please! Can you hear me?” my siren calls again.
Yes, baby, I can hear you and I’m trying desperately to reach you. Wait for me this time. Give me a chance to help you.
“Dom!” she screams and shakes me. My eyes fly open at the name she used, and for a few seconds, I look around the room, completely disoriented and unsure of where I am. “Oh my god, Dom! You scared me! Are you okay?” Sophia’s face comes into focus and I realize I’ve been dreaming. Only this time, I mixed some of my real life with my dream life, and the realization that I must be all kinds of fucked up hits me like a ton of lead.
“I’m okay, baby. I’m sorry I scared you. What happened?” I ask, hiding the fact that I’m cringing inside because I don’t know what I said in my sleep. I won’t lie to her to try to explain it away. If I have to, I will have to tell her now, at a time when I’m certainly not ready to tell her. It’s definitely not my first choice, but I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes there are no choices.
“You were thrashing around,” her voice still holds the panic I awoke to, “and you kept mumbling something. I couldn’t understand what you were saying, but you sounded so...sad…so distraught. Do you want to talk about your dream?”
“No, baby, I’m okay. I don’t need to talk about it. I’m not sure I could even describe it,” I state calmly. She cocks her head to the side and narrows her eyes at me in disbelief. “Don’t worry about me. Really. I’m fine. Let’s go back to sleep,” I cajole her and she snuggles against me again.
Soon, her breathing evens out and she’s fallen back into a deep slumber. I lie awake and run one scenario after another through my mind.How should I tell her? What is the best way to approach the topic? How would I even start that conversation?Once I envision the scenario I think would work best for us both, my racing mind slows to a snail’s pace. Once I commit to telling her soon, the dread and doom dissipates and I soon join her in sleep.
