Oh my God, he just left me. He just walked out and didn’t even care that I was stuck here with no way to get back home. He abandoned me at his parents’ house – the very people who are blatantly betraying me. I remember falling to my knees and I remember Brandon cussing like a sailor at Luke. Their mom was still sitting at the table and she was crying. Their dad was looking between Luke’s back, Brandon’s face and me, crumpled in the floor.
When we hear Luke’s truck tires squeal out of the driveway, Brandon picks me up and carries me out to his truck. After putting my seatbelt on me, he drives me home and helps me inside. He stays with me and we talk for a long while. He is so nice and supportive. He told me to give Luke time to calm down. He said Luke just overreacted and once he realized it, he would be back and begging for forgiveness.
I’m not so sure about that. This may be just the excuse he needs to get out of our relationship.
Brandon just left and now I’m all alone again. I’ve gotten so used to having Luke here with me. The silence just punctuates how lonely my life was before him. I’m going to allow myself to wallow in self-pity tonight. I will scream, cry, eat fattening foods and grieve tonight. And come tomorrow, I will move on. Because that’s what I do.
I have to be strong.
LUKE
For the last five days, I’ve been replaying everything that’s happened with Andi up until this point in our relationship over and over again in my mind. I’ve examined every word, every gesture and every minute we’ve shared. Brandon’s last words to me have been like a fucking recording set on replay and there’s no escape from them. And at this very moment I realize how badly I have fucked up. What I have lost and what I will probably never have again.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I don’t deserve her at all.
I’ve done nothing worthwhile in my life to deserve someone as wonderful as she is. Even my fucking brother believed her – believedinher – when I didn’t. He was there for her when I wasn’t – and she fucking needed me. I simply turned my back and left her alone when she needed me more than ever. At that moment -that very momentwhen she needed me to believe her and I didn’t, I broke my promise. I broke her heart. I broke the very love of my life – I brokeher.
My guilt and humiliation over Megan has tainted my view of relationships overall. I’m seeing that now. Brandon has tried to tell me for the last few years but I didn’t want to hear it. Or face it. I’ve convinced myself that it’s much easier to run from my demons rather than face them. But sitting here alone, wallowing in my self-loathing, there’s nothing easier about it. There’s nothing easy about discovering I’ve probably lost the one true lover and friend that I’ve ever known.
I know she’s been at the gym because some of the other guys have talked about how differently she’s been acting. They haven’t come out and asked me yet but I know they eventually will. She’s apparently avoiding me, avoiding going to the gym at the time she knows I’m likely to be there. I volunteered at the center again today and she wasn’t there either. I wonder if she knew I was there and just stayed away. I’ve tried to call her but she ignores my calls. I’ve went by her house but she won’t answer the door, if she’s even home
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CHAPTER FIFTEEN
ANDI
I had practiced a different song for the weeks leading up to the last night Luke and I were at the club together. The night the band played and the last full night we were a couple and I was truly happy. For the past week, I’ve been practicing a different song – one that really speaks to my frame of mind right now. I don’t know if Luke will be at the club tonight, but in a way I hope he is because I picked this song with him in mind.
I’ve avoided seeing Luke at the gym but I’ve still been going. I’m not letting him run me off from something that means so much to me. Shane has asked what’s wrong with me lately because I haven’t been acting the same lately. But he didn’t ask anything about Luke, so I doubt he knows anything yet. Luke has called a few times but I couldn’t answer. After what happened at his parents’ house, I don’t know what he’s calling to say. To accuse me of more terrible things? To finish his malicious rant? To apologize and actually hear what I have to say? To ask for his favorite t-shirt back that I stole from him?
I can’t take the risk – no matter what it is he wants. I can’t hear his voice and not have my heart ripped out of my chest again. So I ignored his calls. I hid when he showed up at my house. I saw his truck but I couldn’t even look out the window and actually see him – I was afraid I’d go running to him, begging him like I did when he walked out and left me behind at his parents’ house. I’m afraid I will make a complete fool out of myself for someone who never loved me like I loved him. Love him, I mean. Still. I wonder if it will ever go away, though I know I’m not the first or the last to feel this way.
So I focus on the anger instead. The betrayal of being left there, on my knees sobbing my eyes out, while he callously walked away. Not the least bit interested in hearing what I had to say. Not caring that he’d so easily broken a promise hehad just made – one that meant the world to me because I knew it would mean the difference between losing him and keeping him. I just never imagined his dad would be the one who so heartlessly threw me under the bus.
I’m at the club withChristina, Tania and Katie. They’re trying to cheer me up but nothing is working. No use in even trying drinks or shots tonight - nothing can infiltrate this huge bubble of anger that has enveloped me. I’m glad in a way because I can use it on stage tonight. Especially since Luke just walked in with the guys and they’re headed this way. I look at my girls and we silently, solemnly swear we will not move to sit with them.
Shane and Will give each other confused looks before looking at me. I think Luke is about to walk up behind me so I quickly get up and leave the table. It’s about time for my song anyway so like a big chicken, I go hide in the ladies’ bathroom until it’s my turn. I make my way onstage and avoid running into Luke on the way. I’m regretting showing him around backstage now because I’m looking around every corner to make sure he’s not there first. I have nowhere to hide.
Mitch has the spotlights set to a deep red hue and the black curtains are closed behind me. The fog machine is set on low so the mist is barely creeping across the stage. With the fans set on low, my long, thick hair is slightly drifting on the breeze. The combination of the stage effects with my black leather pants, four-inch black stilettos, and a black, backless tank gives it all a fierce look. Exactly the way I’m feeling right now.
There’s no elaborate scene to play out tonight. No man’s lap to sit in while I sing words of eternal love. No, tonight is all about his broken promise and my new promise. The music starts off instantly fast paced and…fierce…and I feel like every lyric sings directly to him. But it’s really the second verse and every word after that spells it out. The song isFor My Sake, by Shinedown. And it’s absolutely brilliant and bold. It’s also fitting that the song ends fairly abruptly – just like we did.
I keep my eyes on his during the whole song. While I never point at him, I leave absolutely no doubt that this song is only for him. My voice, my movements, everything about me is hard, angry and inflexible. I make sure to leave no room for any misinterpretation.
I especially feel that from the second verse to the end of the song really speaks to what I’m feeling right now.I’m blatantly daring him to show me he’s not really like every other guy out there who broke his promise, but knowing that he is only reaffirms my decision to be completely done with him.
I know we’re making a scene with all of our drama and I want it to stop. But at this moment, I just need him to feel my pain and hear from me that Iam putting us behind me for my sanity. At the end of the verse and the chorus that follows, there’s no doubt he now knows exactly what’s on my mind.
Luke doesn’t move during my whole performance. He doesn’t move his eyes. He doesn’t speak to anyone, not even the waitress who’s so blatantly trying to get his attention. A couple of drunk girls approach him but he doesn’t acknowledge them. It’s too dark to see what his eyes are trying to tell me but I don’t even want to know. I’ve avoided him for a reason. The song is exactly right when it says what he lost was me. For my own sanity, I can’t look back.
I acknowledge the applause from the crowd but honestly I don’t even care about the contest at this point. If I make it another round or not does not matter to me in the least. I may not even be in the area by the next round. I plan to call and schedule an appointment with the realtor to put my house on the market tomorrow. If it doesn’t sell soon, I’m seriously considering just giving it away just so I can get the hell out of Dodge.
I’m barely cognizant of exiting the stage because I’m so wrapped up in my thoughts. I’m considering just walking out the door and leaving now instead of returning to our table. Suddenly I’m hoisted into the air but I just saw Shane still sitting at the table so I know it’s not him this time. I don’t know who the hell has grabbed me but he’s about to get a mouth full of my fist, especially in my current state of pissed off mind. When I catch a glimpse of him over my shoulder, I’m doubly determined to draw blood.
He pulls my ear to his mouth and has the damn nerve to ask, “Did you miss me, baby?” Then he sets me down and smiles at me like I’m a long lost friend.Ah, hell no!
I don’t return the smile. In fact, if looks could kill, he would be already buried at this point. “Miss you? Have you been gone?” I respond dryly and turn to walk away from the second biggest mistake I’ve made in the dating arena. I spot Shane barreling through the people to get to us and he’s obviously pissed. Will is fast on his heels.
