Without looking at me, he walks back to his spot and stares out the window again. The remote is still in his hand, and he turns the music down after Jon yells the beginning lyrics at me.
“What do you want, Andi?” His voice is so cold, distant, and lifeless. Loveless.
Taking a deep breath, I steel myself for the words that must be said, regardless of the outcome. If I don’t try, I know I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
“Only to talk to you. There are a few things I need to say, that I want you to hear. If you want me to leave after that, I’ll go.”
“Some things are better off left unsaid.”
“Not this.”
“Fine. Say what you came to say, and then get out of my room and my life.”
His strong jaw is set, his eyes are hard, and even in the reflection, he won’t look at me. He purposely keeps his eyes from straying in the direction of my reflection.
“I’m sorry for the things I said last time we spoke. I was mad, and hurt, but I didn’t really mean them. Maybe I wanted you to hurt, too.
“I’ve realized that what we had is definitely my love of a lifetime, and there’s nothing, and no one, in the world that even compares to you. Being on tour, traveling all the time, and being away from you are not what I want. I got caught up in the excitement of performing in front of thousands of people for a short time. But when it comes right down to it, you’re the only person who means anything to me.
“I love you, Luke.” I manage to withhold a sob. “I love you more than anything. No matter what’s happened, if you asked me, I’d drop everything and run to your side right now. No regrets, no looking back, and no questions. I finally see that there’s no time for fear, no time for regrets, and no time to be apart if we want to be together.”
I can see his jaw working as he grinds his teeth. His hands are at his sides and they’re curled into tight fists, as if he’s getting ready to pounce on an unsuspecting opponent. He waits at least a full minute after my last word before he speaks.
“Is that all?”
“Yes,” I reply, deflated. Our time together has passed, and any chance of mending this burned bridge is nonexistent.
There is one truth that I have learned through all of this. True love doesn’t end. If someone says they just fell out of love, they never really loved in the first place. Love doesn’t just stop, it doesn’t wither and die, and it doesn’t diminish. The love I have for him will remain in my broken heart forever. Luke will always own my heart. Even if I could take it back, I wouldn’t because that would be an insult to love. I’ll carry him with me for the rest of my days.
Will I love again? Will I eventually move on and find someone else? I can’t fathom it now. But in time, maybe someone else can have a small part of what’s left of my heart. I’ll stay away from Luke and try to forget, but the scars of love will remain. I lower my chin to my chest and sob quietly. My tears drop from my eyes to the floor. My vision is blurry, and I’m shaking so much that I’m afraid to try to walk out.
But that’s what he said he wants from me. That’s what I said I’d do.
As I turn to leave, I stop at the stereo and pick up his iPhone. Scrolling through the music, I find the song I specifically put on it. The song isn’t even available through the store, so I had to load it directly from the physical CD. It was that important to me that he listens to the words of this ballad, and even more so now.
I stop for a few seconds and listen as Garth Brooks’s version of “To Feel My Love” plays softly. If only I could make him feel my love again, maybe things would be so different right now. He’s so close, but I can’t touch him. He’s only mere feet away, but I can’t show him my love. He may as well be thousands of miles away instead of in the same room with me. My quiet sobs start to become louder, so I turn to leave his room, his life.
For good.
* * *
LUKE
I’m so fucking pissedoff it’s unbelievable. I don’t think I’ve ever been this mad. First, when John told me she was here, I said to tell her to go away. John convinced me I should meet with her. I finally caved and let her come in to say what was on her mind. I heard her gasp when she realized what song was playing. It honestly wasn’t my intention to have that song on.
I only listen to it when I’m alone and thinking of her. I’m always thinking of her, but I’m not always alone. I don’t play the songs around the gym, but when I’m running and wearing my earphones, I listen to them repeatedly. It’s my twisted way of keeping her with me all the time. She created these playlists for me, and she took the time to put all this music on here for a reason. But no one knows that.
I knew my song choice would hurt her, and I wanted it to. I need her to leave while I’m still able to maintain my resolve. She killed me with everything she did to me with Travis, and I can’t forgive her for it. I left that voice mail, pouring my heart out and begging her back, but she never returned my call. It is obvious to me that she chose him more than two weeks ago. Now she shows up, wanting my love, and expecting me to forgive her. I can’t do that.
That is, I can’t forgive her as long as I don’t look at her. If my eyes were to find hers, I know I wouldn’t be able to resist. If I look at her now, I’ll forgive her for running to him and leaving me behind. If I look in her eyes, I’ll be lost in the deep pools of chocolate that draw me in and keep me as her willing prisoner. I’d throw all my pride away and drop to my knees in front of her, begging her to never leave me again.
Hearing what she came here to say was pure torture. I want to believe her words more than any fucking thing I’ve ever wanted. I want to believe it more than I want to win the championship belt. I want to believe her more than I want my boxing career. If those were the last words I ever heard, when she said she loved me, I’d die a happy man. Simply knowing that she loves me.
No matter what.
Do I have that kind of unconditional love in me to give to her? Obviously I do since I still love her more than my next breath. But she chose him over me and broke my trust for good. The damage that has been done is irreparable. How can there be love with no trust?
But thereislove. I feel it deep in my soul. She’s in every fiber of my being. She owns my heart, my body, and my mind. Every decision, every thought, and every desire holds her in the center. She is my bright, shining sun, and I completely revolve around her.
