Ashley entered the scrub room as Victoria was really getting under her fingernails with a stiff brush. Victoria raised an eyebrow. “Hello. Haven’t you got a valve replacement in an hour?”
“I did…” Her friend looked deeply ill at ease as she joined her at the sinks. She was moving slowly to turn on the water, topump soap into her hands. “Elaine asked me to hand it off and join you on this one.”
Victoria froze, the sound of the running taps roaring through her ears to join the roar that kicked off inside her brain. “I don’t understand,” she said, her voice robotic.
She did understand, though. She understood perfectly.
“This wasn’t my idea, Vic.” Ashley turned, and Victoria could see from the corner of her eye that her friend was trying to get her to look at her. “Victoria, please.”
“They really do think I’m cracking up.” The laugh that escaped her was short, bitter, a small explosion of fury. If she’d eaten anything that morning, she would have brought it up into the sink, so much acid was beginning to roil in her stomach. “Christ.”
“I’m here to support you, Vic.” Ashley’s voice sounded so far away. “That’s all. Please, look at me. Tell me you understand.”
She did understand. None of this was Ashley’s fault. In fact, Victoria hated that Elaine had put her friend in this position at all. That didn’t mean that Victoria could look at her without wanting to let the scream trapped in her chest burst out and bleed all over both of them.
All of the confident optimism she’d felt this morning was gone in a heartbeat, splattered on the tiles at her feet like the soap and water dripping from her hands.
Mechanically, Victoria resumed scrubbing, getting into each fold and knuckle of her fingers with concentrated precision. Without another word to Ashley, she moved towards the scrub nurse holding up a gown for her to wear over her surgical scrubs, allowing the woman to wrap her in the gauzy blue material and tie the laces in the back. A cap was tugged over her hair, gloves slid onto her immaculately clean hands. Moving briskly, she strode towards the doors that would allow her into the sterile operating theater.
Only when she had turned her back to the doors, just before backing into them to enter the room, did she look at Ashley. Ashley was still soaping up her forearms, staring at Victoria with troubled brown eyes. Victoria forced a smile onto her face. “See you in there, Dr. Proctor.”
“See you,” Ashley replied quietly, her gaze never leaving Victoria as she bumped her way into the OR and began her last steps of mental preparation for Gina Cuthbert’s life-changing pneumonectomy.
She had things well in hand, at first.
Gina lay on her side before her, draped in blue surgical sheets and deep under her anesthetic. The room was quiet but for the beeps and hisses of the monitors and other machines. Victoria requested tools and gave instructions in a quiet, firm tone. She was pleased when her voice didn’t shake.
Her vision blurred very slightly a couple of times, and she felt exhaustion lurking behind her like a weighted blanket, ready to fall on her shoulders and take her down.I must have a nap. Perhaps a protein shake.She inhaled deeply, wrinkling her nose at the antiseptic smell that her paper mask couldn’t keep out. It seemed unusually sharp, today.
Carefully, methodically, she cut through skin, fat, and muscle to get to Gina’s ribcage. “Rib spreader,” she requested, and felt the weight of it in her hand. Step by step, she opened up her pathway to the damaged lung. Step by step, she cut the airway and blood vessels, deflated the lung, withdrew it. Her tools clattered against the metal basin held out by one of the nurses as she deposited the lung into it.
It was going well.
Then it came time to close.
At once, a rush of panicked memories crowded her mind and vision. Gina became Daniel became…no.Victoria pushed that memory away, deep back into the vault she kept it locked in. But she couldn’t stop thinking of Daniel, of how everything had gone so perfectly and then…
She froze, waiting for the alarms to burst into horrible shrieking life.
Around her, a murmur arose. Ashley, at her left, leaned over. “Vic?” she whispered low, a note of urgency in her voice.
She had to close Gina up. She knew this. Or she could hand it over to one of the residents. That was an option. This was a teaching hospital, that was part of teaching. That would be a normal thing for her to do.All right, I’ll do that.Victoria opened her mouth to call the nearest observing resident over to begin the closure process.
And then, “Yeah, she’s been off, lately.”
Victoria jerked her head around to fully face the resident who’d whispered. She couldn’t remember his name, he was some third year from Topeka who often got caught out saying the quiet parts out loud. He usually had the good grace to blush.
Not today. His gaze met hers, directly, challengingly. Victoria felt her own cheeks flush hot with anger.To hell with you.Abandoning the idea of handing off the closure, she held out a hand. “Sutures.”
Her hands trembled slightly with her anger as she stitched. She was grateful that only Ashley seemed to notice, and didn’t say anything. Gritting her teeth, Victoria got herself under control and finished up.
She was tempted to rip the gossipy resident a new one. Or to stomp out of the OR, ripping her cap and gown off in a fury. Something, anything that might let her let off some of the boiling anger that threatened to overtake her. The exhaustion that hadlurked behind her throughout the pneumonectomy was far away now, she couldn’t be less in need of a nap if she tried. As for the protein shake she’d considered, Victoria thought now if she had so much as a sip of one, her rage would bring it right back up, and she would choke on it.
I must get out of here.But calmly, rationally. She must not give in to her anger, must not be seen to break down. She would give that idiot resident no further satisfaction.
Then she looked up.
There in the observation room overlooking the OR was Dr. Anna Monroe, eyes wide, face concerned, seeing everything. Victoria’s jaw clenched so hard, she was afraid she might crack a tooth. Holding tight to the last shreds of her control with teeth and toenails, she stalked out of the OR, ripping her protective gear off as she went and stuffing it into the bins. Then she made a beeline for the stairway that would lead up to the observation deck.
