He sat beside me on the bed. I’d been practicing holding myself up in a sitting position ever since the first time PT came in to take me through my paces the day after my surgery. I was still wobbly and the minute Alain sat beside me, I had to grab the mattress to keep from listing sideways.
He immediately stood. “Gosh, sorry, old chap, wasn’t thinking.”
Tears burned behind my eyes. “What am I doin’ by pushin’ everyone I care about away, Almond?”
He gave me a soft smile at the nickname. “You’re coping better than most, Rex, but listen, old fellow, fighting with everyone isn’t helping you get well. If you’d put as much energy into your recovery as you put into fighting the fact that you’re wheelchair bound for the moment, you’d see improvement.”
I balled both fists and hit the top of my thighs as the tears spilled over. I couldn’t feel anything. “I’m not improvin’, Alain!”
He caught both my wrists when I went to do it again. I stared at him. His expression looked shattered. “You will improve, Rex, and if you never get the feeling back, you’ll learn to live with it.” He reached for a Kleenex and handed it to me. I swiped at the tears.
“I want to work again. I wanna be useful to the team. Can’t you see that?”
“You will be useful. There are oodles of ways to be useful to the team even if you must do it from a chair. Look at Noah Burgess. He handles all Lincoln Snow’s tech from a wheelchair. He lost the use of both legs in Fallujah and he’s more thanuseful. Much of his team’s success can be attributed to that bright, young man even though he can’t go out in the field.”
I stared at him. “I heard that Candy has Raven doin’ exercises with the team now.”
“That’s true but it’s only because Mathis needs the training. We have Judy Mendez at the computer, so we don’t really need two people in tech unless we have an ongoing Op.”
I knew that wasn’t true. Miguel Huerta and Raven Mathis, my married teammates, had come over to the team shortly after we’d moved from Houston. Once here, Raven had worked primarily with Judy in the office. He’d been an expert tracker along with his husband, Miguel. But without the field training that Miguel had as a RECON Marine, Raven had been relegated to working behind screens and he did his job exceptionally well. I had no doubt he’d be useful in tracking down the people who’d been out at the scene the day Cachi was working as a valet.
“Candy’s no dummy, Alain. I know Mathis is bein’ trained to replace me.”
He stared at me for a long minute. “Mathis is no sniper, Rex. He’ll never replace you. He’s training with the team because he needs field training. No one is trying to replace you. Candy would never do that, especially since he’s seen plenty of guys become well. And even if—and I say if—he was planning on having Mathis in the field permanently, he’d tell you first.” He sighed before going on. “It’s only been two months since you were injured. Give yourself time to recover, Rex, and don’t be so blasted hard on yourself and everyone around you. We all want you back in the field…more than you know.”
There was no use in arguing with him. No one was going to just let me give up. No matter what, they were all determined to make me believe I’d get better. And if I was being truthful,had this happened to any of my brothers, I’d be doing exactly the same thing. I loved them all just like they loved me, and yet, none of them really had any idea how hard this was.
“Fine. I’m really sorry for bein’ a dick, Alain. Thanks for tryin’ to be encouragin’.”
He sat on the bed again and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “I love you, brother. Now, let me help you get into the chair.”
I held up a hand as he let go. “No, just bring the thing close. I’ll get into it on my own. That hard ass, Theo, told me I need to learn how to do this myself.”
He chuckled as he stood up and grabbed the bed controller to lower the bed as far as it would go. “Theodora is a darling girl.”
“Theodora is a bull dyke who scares the livin’ shit outta me.”
He laughed hard at my description of my physical therapist. His laughter made me smile. He leaned down and lowered his voice. “She scares me too, she’s rather frightening. That girl has more metal in her face than a robot.” He pushed the wheelchair toward me. The wheels squeaked as he moved it into place, lining it up with the bed. Alain stood close enough that if I lost my balance, he’d be there to catch me.
I leaned forward and manually angled each leg to the edge of the bed. They spasmed and dangled pathetically at odd angles. I had to wait for the tremors to subside, which took several minutes of massaging and manipulation. Impatience welled up and embarrassment, then the bridge of my nose prickled and my eyes swam. God, I hated this.
Taking a deep breath, I scooted myself close to the edge of the bed, and grabbed the wheelchair arm, using my arms to lift my weight since my legs weren’t any help. Alain reached out andtook hold of my bicep, holding me firmly. With a loud grunt, I twisted my body, sliding and dropping it into the chair. The movement was ungainly, but I’d somehow managed to do it on my own. By the time he’d put my feet onto the petals of the chair, I’d broken out in a sweat and was already feeling tired.
He picked up the fingerless, leather gloves Judy had brought when she visited. Noah Burgess had given them to her. Apparently they’d helped when he was given a similar chair after he’d come home from Iraq. The homemade ceviche and salsa that she’d brought with her on the same visit had softened the blow of having to use the gloves. Alain handed them to me and I put them on, then tested the wheels. With great effort, I was able to back the chair away from the bed and over to the door.
“We’ll do a whole lap this time,” Alain said.
I looked up at him as he opened the door. “Around the whole floor?”
He nodded, smiling again. “Yes, and you’re not to complain. You will do it on your own.”
“That’s gonna take me an hour.”
He shrugged. “It’ll take what it takes, old boy. Chin up. Let’s go.”
“Fine.” I stayed in place, giving him a reluctant smile. “Thanks, Alain. Really. I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole.”
He patted me on the shoulder, returning my smile. We both looked up and I caught sight of Theo coming down the corridor. She was grinning from ear to ear. “Well, well, you decided to grace the halls with your fine self,” the tall woman said, stopping in front of us. “I’m glad to see it.” Theo was slender, wearing a set of pink scrubs with bananas all over the front of them. The pink tennis shoes and multiple stretchy plastic bracelets in the samehue, looked out of place with the spiky, short, blue hair on top of her head.
