He ran a finger lightly up her arm, sending another bolt of heat low in her belly. “Is there something that worries ye? Something you’re afraid of?”
There was, but she wasn’t telling him.
“Ye might fear it will hurt the first time I bed ye,” he said, “but I’m thinking it’s something else that is holding ye back.”
She swallowed, wondering how he had guessed.
“I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
Ian sounded sincere, as best she could tell through the pounding in her ears. But she wasn’t going to tell him. She had decided that she needed more from him than desire. Yet that wasn’t what stopped her tonight. In truth, when he was kissing her like that, his lack of love and devotion couldn’t have been further from her mind.
No, it was a different fear that had brought her back to her senses and given her the strength to bring a halt to what they both wanted.
“Ye used to trust me,” he said, taking her hand and rubbing his thumb across the heel of her palm.
There was a time she would have told him anything. But not now.
Nothing could make her admit that what she feared was seeing the fire in his eyes cool when he saw her naked. In her ignorance, she used to think it would be possible to keep her clothes on when her husband took her to bed. But from the determined way Ian set about trying to get them off her, that seemed unlikely.
Most unlikely.
If he loved her, she might not be afraid to let him see her. If she didn’t love him so much, it might not matter to her.
“Ye were fearless as a child,” he said, his eyes softening with his smile. “Truth be told, ye used to scare me sometimes. It almost seemed as if ye got yourself into trouble just so I would have to save ye.”
“It’s true, I did.” She choked on the words; it was a hard thing to admit. “I trusted ye utterly. But I don’t trust ye now.”
She saw the flash of hurt in his eyes before he pressed his lips together and nodded. Her mouth grew dry as the tense silence between them lengthened.
“I failed my family and my clan by not being home when I was needed. I want to make amends, to make things right, if I can,” Ian said. “I want to be your husband—not just to have ye in my bed, though I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of it. But I promise I’ll try to be the kind of husband ye deserve.”
Sìleas felt herself weakening, but one pretty speech should not be enough to make her forgive the years of neglect nor the hurt he’d caused her since coming home.
“What about what I want?” she asked with a quaver in her voice.
“I thought this was what ye wanted. You’ve been happy living here with my family.” He leaned forward and gave her a soft smile. “And ye used to like me quite a lot.”
What he didn’t say, but they both knew, was that Ian had been the person she loved best in the world. And damn it, judging by how much her heart hurt, it was still true.
“I don’t want ye to be my husband because ye were forced to do it.” She swallowed and fixed her gaze on her hands in her lap. “Or because the clan needs my lands. Or because your mother is verra fond of me.”
“I’m fond of ye as well.” He reached out to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, but she pulled away.
“I don’t want ye to be my husband because ye think I need protecting or because ye feel sorry for me,” she continued. “Or because ye don’t like to do figures yourself.”
“I can promise ye, I’d want ye even if ye couldn’t do figures,” he said, brushing his knuckles against her cheek. When she looked up, he gave her a sizzling look that made her stomach tighten. “I do want ye, Sìl.”
She took her hand from his and got to her feet.
All the reasons he wanted her might be enough if he were any other man. But they were not enough from Ian. She would not spend her life with a man, pining for her love to be returned.
She made herself walk out the door and close it behind her.
CHAPTER 12
Ian heard his father’s raised voice as he opened the front door to the house.
“Look at what ye done to me!” Payton was shouting at Niall, who was trying to help him across the room. “Ye should have let me die like a man.”
