Beside him, seated in a chair that hadn’t left Feran’s side since their arrival, Drystan snorted. “That’s not reassuring, considering it looks terrible.”
Feran’s grin stretched wider. “C’mon Drys,” he said. “Admit it. You love a man with scars.”
Drystan’s golden skin flushed furiously, and Mariah took the opportunity. She sank to her knees beside Feran’s bed, gripping his calloused hand in hers, the sheath of her dagger digging into her thigh. His attention returned to her, the humor in his eye fading to his familiar softness.
“Feran,” she said, voice hardly more than a whisper. “I am so,sosorry?—”
“Sorry for what?” He tilted his head. “Sorry for doing everything you could for your family? Sorry for bringing us with you when you knew damn well none of us would’ve stayed behind?” He shifted, grimacing. Drystan perked up, concern etching across his brow, but Feran waved him off.
“You don’t get to apologize for my mistakes in battle. I should be the one apologizing to you—for falling when you needed me. For failing when I shouldn’t have.”
“You didn’t fail me, Feran.” Mariah squeezed his fingers. “I’m the one who failedyou.”
Feran’s brow tightened. “Mariah?—”
“No.” Mariah hung her head. Seeing Feran there, bandaged and covered with wounds that would mark him for the rest of his life, seeing the rest of her court who’d come so close to dying just a few short days ago. Her grief swelled around her relief, a tinge of self-loathing swallowing her with it.
“I failed all of you,” she said into the blankets. Her voice was muffled but somehow clear; she had no doubts the silent room heard every word. “We had a plan that day. A sound plan that would have avoided a confrontation with the Royals, would have gotten us all in and out. But more than that… I failed you because I failed to keep my family safe. I thought forgetting about them would keep attention away from them, but I was wrong. I always knew I was being a fucking fool, that I needed to bring them to the palace months ago. But I let my fear control me, and now…” A shudder wracked through her.
Her mind—her cruel, vicious, loathsome mind—finished the sentence for her.
And now your friends have been uprooted from their home, Feran is scarred, Andrian is taken from you, and your mother is dead.
“I’m…so sorry,” Mariah finished with another tearless sob, Feran’s hand warm against her cheek.
Someone shuffled behind her. A small body wrapped around her shoulders. “I know you feel guilty, Mariah,” Ciana murmured against her temple, squeezing her tight. “But it’s not your fault. None of us blame you for any of it.”
“If we could go back and do it all over again, right now…we would.” Quentin knelt on her other side, brushing a stray lock of her hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear. “Even if we’d stuck to our original plan, it wouldn’t have mattered; it was all a trap from the beginning.” His voice hardened. “But it was a trap that we would walk into over and over again. As many times as it took, because that was your family. You can try to take the blame, but the failure was ours, not yours.”
“I think we can pass the blame all day if we wish,” Sebastian said, “and it wouldn’t make any of us feel better. What matters now is how we move forward from here.”
Mariah took a deep, shaky breath and lifted her head, but she didn’t turn to Sebastian or Quentin or Ciana. Instead, she locked her gaze on Feran’s good eye, trying to read past all the steady kindness shining back at her.
“Don’t even think about it, my queen,” he said. “I am telling you my whole truth. There is nothing to forgive.”
Mariah didn’t answer. She just turned her attention to Drystan, his expression contemplative.
The second her eyes met his, any hardness he carried melted away. “Don’t look at me like that, either,” he said. “We all took the same vows. I didn’t involve myself with this idiot without knowing the risks.”
“Those vows had you swear your service to me, not your life.”
“I think we are remembering very different vows, Mariah.” Sebastian moved around the bed, halting beside Drystan. Trefor and Matheo followed, her Armature forming a ring, eyes locked on her.
Without as much as a shared glance, they spoke as one.
“On this day, and on every day of my life, I will answer your call, my queen. I swear my life, my sword, my shield, and my soul to you. I promise to be your armor against the world and to guard your back against those who might wish this kingdom harm.”
Mariah’s hands trembled, eyes burning as she forced a swallow down her closed throat.
Never would she deserve this. Never would she deservethem.
This type of loyalty did not belong to monsters and failures like her.
Drystan reached across the bed, resting a warm hand on hers still clenched around Feran’s. “Thatis the oath we swore. And we meant every word. No matter if it leads us to the depths of Enfara itself: if you call, we will answer. Your armor and your guard.”
The burning behind her eyes finally won. A tear broke free, rolling down her cheek. She fought against the tremor in her throat, against the wave of overwhelmingfeelingrattling through her. Ciana sniffled, quietly asking Delaynie for a handkerchief.
Something about that almost made Mariah smile.
