He tucks me into the crook of his arm, and I stare at the letters. One is yellowed through age, crumpled at the edges, and the envelope torn as its contents have been ripped open by the person who stole it from me.
I glance over his brutish handwriting, causing my chest to tighten.
To my darling Indie.
It trembles in my hand; this would have been my golden ticket.
It’s just like I mentioned how one decision can change your life forever. Conrad stealing Saint’s letter altered whatever path I was supposed to be on. Or maybe it put me on the one I was supposed to take all along.
When my watery eyes glance over the words, each dark character matching the exact ones he spoke to me up on the peak, I realise I wasn’t supposed to get this.
Not until today.
The words had an impact when he first spoke them, but now I truly feel the entire weight of them.
I sniff as I fold it back up, and Saint takes it from me to slip back in the envelope, placing it on the bedside table.
The next one hums with a burn on my lap.
There’s no name over the fresh white paper, nothing to indicate what’s held inside it or who its recipient is. The only evidence is the government logo, and my sister’s office address printed on the top corner.
When I slowly tug it out, my tattered heart frays into pieces.
Indie.
I know I’ve told you sorry already, but it isn’t the right word. There wouldn’t be enough time left in this world for me to say it for how much I mean it.
Nor will there ever be a right word that fits how much I mean it. I wanted to tell you this today, but you’re right, I’m acoward. You didn’t have to say it; your eyes told me as much. I should know—I have the same look every time I see myself in the mirror.
I won’t bore you with more excuses, because that’s exactly what they are.
His ‘love’ made me blind from a very young age. I was never going to be saved from its hidden horrors.
I love you and Mom,so much. I know I never showed it, but the more I sealed myself off meant that hopefully whenever I got out of this, you’d both be safe, and my loss wouldn’t have hit the same.
Thank you for taking care of him. I wish I’d been as brave as you.
I have no doubts you’ll get them all, make sure they suffer.
I can’t leave this letter without saying I’m sorry I wasn’t the big sister you deserved.
I hope one day we’ll get to a place where I can say these words to your face, that I can find some of that courage that you have so much of, but with the way things are, my time is coming for everything I turned away from.
So if you’re reading this, then you know why.
Louisa.
My lids slam shut, though there’s no burn behind my eyes like you’d expect.
No.
It’s my skin, my heart, my fucking soul raging like it’s made out of fire and brimstone. The paper beneath my palms slowly glides away as Saint folds it back in the envelope, the sound of the drawer closing as he seals it away.
“What do you need?” he says next to me, his voice like gravel, but it does nothing to ease the flames that roar from me right now.
A stillness suddenly washes over me, and the moment I open my eyes, I know it’s only there to pacify me until I do what I need to.
It’s the moment I’ve been waiting for.
