I just can’t live a life without him. He needs to know, so that he never offers it again.
I gather every bit of bravery in me. “When you left…” I bite my bottom lip, trying to find the words.
Saint leans up on his elbow, staring down at me with the softest gaze, a total contrast to the metal-coloured iris searching my face. Looking like a man who has all the time in the world to hear what I have to say, despite his small amount of rest being disturbed.
“I…I thought you were dead. I thought he killed you.”
His thumb traces along the tattoo on my rib, my breathing ascending, but his touch is soothing, keeping it at bay. “I drank…for the first time in years…I went up to the roof.”
He pauses his movements, forming to stone beside me.
My words leave me in a painful whisper. “I didn’t want to live in a world where you no longer existed.”
“Indie.” His voice breaks.
“I didn’t want you to ever find out. I told them to never mention it to you. But I mean this when I say it, Saint. I can’t…do any of this without you, not anymore. You took my mind and asked me to live for you, and I will. But never make me live without you.”
He grips my arm forcefully, crashing me to his chest as his arms fuse around me. “I’m sorry, darling. I’m so, so fucking sorry. I thought I’d have more time before I left. I should have told you.”
My fingertips dig into his back, squeezing my eyes closed so hard, it forces a new river of tears to spill. It wouldn’t have mattered if he did tell me when I found him; I’d have never let him do something so stupid.
When I thought he died, it felt like the sun would never shine again. That my days would be filled with rain, never being able to get through the storm as it washed away everything I knew, everything I’d worked hard at building.
The one missing layer of foundation that would help me hold it all together, crumbling beneath my feet.
I’d always felt hopeful that one day we’d find each other. Those days thinking he was really gone, I wouldn’t have even been able to tell what that once felt like.
The alcohol broke the barrier to darkened territory. I was hopeless, desperate for something to take the pain that was eating me from the inside out. Remembering that feeling when I thought his heart stopped beating is worse than any nightmare my mind can use to haunt me.
Saint rolls onto his back, pulling me on top of him as I lay my head on his chest, his hand moving up and down my spine.
When I glance up at him, his eyes reflect from the light as he stares up at the ceiling. This time when he looks back at me, he doesn’t chase that vulnerability away.
I shift up to him, watching the way his throat flexes, and his jaw muscles grind. “I didn’t tell you this to hurt you. I told you so you know the reason why I was so angry at you”—my next confession lowers into a whisper—“and for you to realise just how much I fucking need you.”
“You can’t hurt me, darling. I’m just pissed at myself. I should have known they weren’t going to keep to their word…also didn’t anticipate George fucking shooting me.”
He lifts his hand to my cheek, and I take it so I can hold it in mine, kissing his inked knuckles. “It’s you and me against it all,” I whisper, holding his eyes.
“Always, darling. No more side quests,” he answers, eyes gently creasing as he blesses me with that gorgeous smile.
“No more heroic and idiotic exchanges behind my back.”
He huffs a laugh, his voice still heavy with sleep. “I thought it was quite romantic.”
His soft smile brings my own out, and the heaviness in the room clears. “It was, but I mean it, Sainty.”
“It’s a promise I won’t ever break again, Indie. You have my word, and you have all of me.”
He guides me up his body, brushing my hair away from my face as he kisses me, deepening it with each beat of our hearts against each other’s chest. And then takes us to a place where none of the evil can reach us.
37
Indie
the machine - reed wonder ft. aurora olivas
It’sbeenanotherweekof Conrad on the run, and we’re snowed in for at least a couple days. The people Saint and his dad have out searching for him can’t get back into the Pit; the road is completely blocked.
