My only saving grace? I have one of my devils with me. And I will do whatever I have to—no matter the cost—to get the other.
There’s a knock on the door later that evening, and Aleksi barges in. “Your mom is here.”
Parker sits up as best he can as Matilda Barclay walks through with Raven behind her. I have never felt my mother’s presence as mighty as I do at this moment. She looks regal, ready to take down an entire army, but when her fierce green gaze lands on the man beside me, it softens. “Parker, liedown. You need your rest. Sabrina,” she peruses me with a motherly intensity and an arched brow. The kind of intensity that makes you want to shrivel up and disappear. “a word.”
I slip out of bed and peck Parker on the forehead, but he squeezes my hand and doesn’t let go. “Together or not at all, baby girl.”
And there.Thereis the strength he always lends me, even when I don't ask for it. I nod once. “Alright then. Mum, you should probably take a seat.” I motion to the sofa in the room against the wall, where a window behind it shows the snow has begun to accumulate on the ground. I’ve grown to both love and hate this window. Love it, because the storms outside are beautiful. Hate it, because every time it’s bright, it reminds me it’s a new day where I'm without my husband. “I’m going to tell you something I’ve been holding in for the past three years, and due to this, I feel there is a statute of limitations of sorts on being able to be angry with me once I do. I will allow you time to process and grieve—and possibly any other emotions that are untoward me—to settle down.”
I glance at Raven, who’s taken a seat at the foot of the bed, and she gives me a small nod of encouragement.
Don’t break.
Matilda sucks in her cheeks, causing her face to thin and angle even further. “And you believe this confession will garner what? My wrath?”
I lift a shoulder to my ear and let it drop with a soft shake of my head. “I don't know what it’ll do, Mother, but believe me when I say I never wanted to disappoint you.”
“Sabrina, you could never—”
I lift my hand to stop her from talking. “Please, Mum, let me say this. Now. While I have the courage.”
Her impeccable brows furrow together, and she waits patiently for me to continue, but my stomach is in knots.
“Do you remember the night you wanted me to go to dinner with you and Derek to meet the prime minister and his barrister wife?”
“Yes?”
“Well…” I proceed to tell her everything. From faking sick, to having Parker run around all of Chelsea trying to find me menstrual items, to waking up in my bed… and everything else that came after. Retreating into myself, the number of therapists I went through, losing myself to baking and reading because it felt like they were my only safe outlets. Then, I go into detail about my marriage to Maksim. How it was arranged to pay off my father’s debts. This information is where my mother’s nostrils flare with annoyance. She knew our marriage was arranged. She did not know the why.
It takes me almost an hour to tell my mother everything. Including how very quickly I was unable to fight my feelings for my husband and for Parker. How they, and the support from my friends, have helped me immensely. With each word, I can feel the boulder of ice I've been carrying on my shoulders melting away. Not completely, but it’s bearable. I do not shed any tears, but soon, I realize every person who’s been under this roof is now in this room, listening to my story. My heart tumbles just a bit.
Jonas listens, eyes wide. Maverick’s face is relaxed, although not by much. Damon looks so very proud of me. Niko, Aleksi, and Elio look pissed. Even more now than they did before.
“This stays in this room,” I hiss, and they all nod. I haven’t forgotten about my mother’s silence. I return my gaze to hers. “And so now you know everything.”
She inhales sharply and stands. “You were right. I need time to process this.”
Guilt weighs heavily. “Mum, I’m sorry I—”
“You’resorry?You?You’re sorry you got raped? You’re sorry I’ve been such a shit mum you couldn’t even come to me afterward?”
I groan. “You aren’t a shit mum, I just—”
“My daughter was raped by some fucking twat with a head too small for his body… and she couldn’t even come to me.For yearsshe kept it to herself. For years she put up walls brick by fucking brick, and I let her. I didn’t ask. I let you…” Her voice breaks. “You needed me.” She sits down quickly at the edge of the sofa, hanging her head in her hands, and her shoulders shake. One by one, everybody leaves until it’s only me and Parker in the room with her. He rubs his large hand on my back in small, soothing circles.
Parker speaks softly. “Nobody knew, Tildy.”
“It’s true, Mum, I kept it to myself.”
“And you shouldn’t have!” She shouts, but I don’t take it personally. After all, it isn’t me she’s angry at. It’s herself. I’m all too familiar with that. I guess all that therapy with Damon has helped.
“You were dealing with Charlie and book releases and Derek.”
She lifts a dainty hand to her forehead. “Oh my goodness, Sabrina, I love you, but please shut up.”
I shut up.
“Your brother died over ten years ago. I loved him. God, Ilovehim. But I have never not loved you just as much. His absence is horrid. I feel it in my heart and in my gut like a void. Just as I’ve felt you like a void. All the signs were there, and I was too…” She shakes her head. “I let you carry this weight alone. And I shouldn’t have. I should have tried harder to talk to you to understand why you had pulled away from me. I let myself believe it was because this is the natural course of life. I pulled away from your grandmother around the same age. But you and I have never been me and your grandmother. I should have done anything other than let you be. So, yes, Sabrina. I have so much I need to process, but it isn’t because I hate you. It’s because I have to sort myself out so I can help you.”
