I shake my head.
“Maks—”
I spit out the mouthguard into my palm. “Get the fuck in here.”
He does, and the first punch he lands doesn’t hurt. No, it… it feels…bright. It makes melaugh. It’s the first time I've laughed since… I can't remember. So I let him land another one.
“Fight back!”
Then a kick.
“Fight back, Maks! Fucking hit me!”
So I do. I lunge at him and get a few in.
We’re brawling, but every single one of his calculated hits feels like a burst of color… until another one of those kicks lands perfectly. I’m fucking facedown on the floor of the ring, mouthguard out, the taste of iron on my lips and tongue, but all I can see is that white, snowy abyss and hear a woman’s screams until they turn into soft whimpers in the night and then die like the end of a broken song…
“Get up!”
Sabrina running into the warzone, gun raised high and then… Raven opening the back of the van, eyes wide, snow flurries all around her… my wife holding Alice’s cold, dead hand, and Alice’s unsettling, lifeless eyes staring at me.
And yet… I… survived… the night.
“MAKS! Get the fuck up!” Niko screams, pulling me back. “Maks!”
“I’m up, I’m up…” I groan, feeling where I'm gonna start bruising later. “Ah, fuck.” I grab at my side. What the fuck did Niko do? I get to my feet and put up my fists. “Ready to go again?”
His brows quirk up, telepathically asking what the fuck is wrong with me. He lowers his voice like the other boxers didn’t just watch. “What? No. Get the fuck outta the ring, Maks. Go home. Go home to your wife. Get some rest or something. You ain’t right in the head right now.”
I spit the blood at his feet. “Pussy.”
Niko laughs, “Oh yeah, I’m the pussy. I’m the big fucking pussy that just let myself get knocked down.”
“Yeah, I let myself,” I scoff with a shake of my head. “Because you know you’d never be able to beat me otherwise.”
His throat bobs as that arctic gaze of his searches my eyes, jaw flexing. He stands straight and drops his hands to the side. I’ve cut somewhere deep. Said something that I'll never be able to take back. “Fuck. Nikolai, I—”
“Go the fuck home, Maks. You’re not ready.”
I pull a Raven and throw him the middle finger, climbing out the ring. I pull out a clean, dry hoodie from my bag, throw all my shit into it, then shove my shoes back on. I lock eyes with Matt as I open the door, and I leave.
But I don’t go home.
I can’t. I sit in the SUV with my hands gripping the wheel, and I… I can’t justgo home. Not with when waits for me there is a quiet, upset wife. A wife that loves me. A wife that’s waiting for me to just…talkto her. The back of my skull hits the headrest. Niko’s right. I’m being a fucking pussy. But what do I say to her? How do I fucking make sense of this fucking shit I’m feeling? I don’t even understand it. It’s fucking sticking to my lungs, my liver. It’s a fucking parasite, leaving me hollow. God, I feel like I’m going fucking nuts.
I drive to Eden, throw my keys to the valet, and head inside, where I find Johnny humming to some pop song while he clicks on his computer screen. I walk past him.
“Oh shit. Hey, Boss. Didn’t know you’d be in to…dayyy… What the hell happened to you?” he asks, and I hear the squeak of his chair and his footsteps behind me.
“Nothing. Just trained with Niko this morning," I reply while sitting at the chair behind my desk. My surroundings are familiar. All it does is remind me that if I hadn’t have survived, it would have all stayed like this. The new Pakhan would be Niko, and the new capo would be Kallum.
Johnny leans on the door frame of my office and folds his arms over his chest. He lifts a dark brow and eyes me curiously, like he’s contemplating saying more but doesn’t.
“What do you got for me?”
“Ummm, nothing really. It’s been quiet.”
Yeah, it really has. I feel myself scowl and my employee straightens.
