And I also, deep down inside, get where she's coming from.
She's right. I'm fucking crazy. I'm losing it over a girl, and I stalked her.
Worse, I inserted myself into her life as a wrong number who wormed his way into her, getting kinky with her.
Her hold over me is something I can't begin to explain apart from the fact that it starts with an O and ends with an N.
Because what I feel for her is obsession in its purest form, and I don't feel good about it.
I can't help the overwhelming need to fix everything wrong in her life.
Because shit, what's going to happen to her if I don't help?
There's no one else she can turn to.
I'm there for her whether she wants me or not.
"If I don't help you out, look out for you, who the fuck will?"
"No one. Because I want to look after myself. I'm smart. I thought I was doing it all on my own. If I fell, it was on me, if I got up, it was on me. The battles were mine. And you took it all. I don't even know if I can survive..."
The silent 'because of you' hangs there, lashing at me.
"You don't have to."
Fuck, I just don't want her in danger. I don't want her hurt. I know she can do it, but why not allow me to protect her?
She should be fucking grateful, not pissed off.
I take a breath, trying to keep my anger at bay as I manage to say calmly, "I'm sure you can. But I can help you. Why can't you let me do this?"
She doesn't answer.
"I'm doing it so you don't have to, Lola."
"But I want to. I want to take care of myself. And as I said, it's something I thought I was doing after Dad died. ButI wasn't, was I? And you were taking care of me before that, too. Am I that incompetent?"
"You know you're not."
Her eyes flash. "Then fuck off and let me go."
The last restraint snaps as I stalk her, backing her against the wall.
I close my hand around her delicate throat. "Let you go?"
"Yes," she says, hissing.
"To take care of yourself?"
"Yes."
Tightening my hand, I press against her.
I don't cut off her air or hurt her, but we both know that threat is there, that I could.
I need her to see that looking after herself isn't just character, it's physical, too. And the dynamics couldn't be clearer.
I'm bigger, meaner, stronger. And I'm on her side.
