“Was it? Ronan and Kieran… They’re both experts at saying things they don’t mean just to push each other’s buttons. Have you ever considered that maybe you weren’t the problem at that moment? That maybe it wasn’t even about you?”
I frown. “I don’t know… Maybe.”
Ciara drops my hand and leans back against the cushions, her hand returning to her belly.
“Listen, I know how easy it is to feel like you’re drowning around these men. They’re powerful, intense, and overprotective to the point of insanity. But sometimes, what feels like control is really just…fear.”
“Fear?”
“They’re not good at vulnerability, Riley. Kieran especially. He’s scared to death of caring about someone and even more terrified of losing them.”
Ciara’s words hit a little too close to home because I’ve felt that same fear. It’s like an instinct that is hardwired into my brain. The second I feel myself start to care, I push back because that way I get to control who hurts me.
It’s what I’ve been doing to Kieran ever since we got back from Vegas. I just never considered the possibility that he might also be doing the same to me.
“I guess I didn’t think about it like that.”
Ciara offers me a sympathetic smile. “Don’t get me wrong, Kieran can be a pain in the ass, and I’m not usually one to run to his defense, believe me. But I have also learnt through Ronan not to take the Sullivans at face value. As much as they pretend to be made of stone, they care. Sometimes, a little too much. So,before you shut him out for good, maybe talk to him? You might be surprised by what he says.”
I chew the inside of my cheek. “Maybe. I just…I don’t know if I can handle it. What if I was right and that is how he really feels?”
“You will deal with it like you’ve done every other hardship in your life.”
“Did you ever feel like this about Ronan?”
Ciara looks up from where she’s gently rubbing her stomach in slow, absentminded circles. There’s a far-off look in her eyes, soft and thoughtful, before a small, knowing smile curves her lips.
“Oh, definitely. Ronan and I had a rocky start, that’s for sure. I mean, I wasn’t exactly thrilled about the idea of becoming a Sullivan, either. For a long time, I felt like an outsider.”
I nod slowly.
That part feels painfully familiar.
Her voice turns softer. “But, somewhere along the way, I started to care for him in a way I never had for anyone. Not in the way I expected, and not all at once, but bit by bit, he became this constant for me. A rock, when everything else in my world felt like chaos. He gave me something to hold onto when I was barely holding myself together.”
I chew on her words, glancing down at my hands. “It worked out well for you.”
“Don’t get me wrong, Riley. It wasn’t a straight path. It took a lot of work and talking to Ronan about feelings was like talking to a brick wall most days.”
I smile faintly. “That sounds familiar.”
“I bet it does. Kieran and Ronan are more alike than they want to admit. All that brooding and control and pretending they don’t feel things? It’s all just a front.”
“So, how did you do it? How did you get through to Ronan?”
“A hell of a lot of arguments, but mostly just calling him on his bullshit when he tried to push me away.”
“That sounds exhausting.”
“It was.” She chuckles. “But it was worth it. Ronan needed someone who wouldn’t let him hide behind the walls he built. Someone who wouldn’t see him as just the heir or the boss, but as a person with emotions and flaws. It just took him longer to admit it.”
I exhale, fiddling with the edge of the throw pillow beside me. “Kieran’s like that. He pushes and pulls, and I never know where I stand. And I—” I hesitate. “I just want to scream at him most of the time.”
Ciara grins. “Then scream at him. Seriously. These men grew up in a world where emotions are seen as weakness and sometimes, you have to shake the foundation a little to get through.”
My smile wavers. “What if I shake it and it all falls apart?”
Ciara tilts her head, her voice gentle. “Then it wasn’t strong enough to begin with. But from what you’ve said…there’s something real between you two. Maybe it started out as fake, but it doesn’t look fake now.”
