Dying for some stimulation, I open my schedule. I’m supposed to be here for three more hours… Then back to campus for a dance studio session and studying till bedtime.
My thumb lingers over the block that designates this half hour. A break. What a novel concept. Thirty minutes where I don’t have to push myself or try to contain my more unpleasant traits. Thirty minutes formyself.What the fuck do I do with that? I can’t stand the idea of wasting this time.
The door opens, saving me from being alone with my thoughts for one more second. I sit up. Maude greets me with a sour expression.
I tell her, “They said I could go on break.”
“Yes. How are you relaxing?”
“Can you…chooseto relax?” Sounds like putting effort into what is meant to be effortless. I stare back down at my phone.
“I know I told you we need to work on your stamina, but we’ve taken things far enough. You need to breathe.”
I toss my phone onto the couch cushion. “I need something to do.”
“No—”
“Yes!” I huff. “There’s too much going on right now! If I don’t focus on what’s in front of me I have to think about what comes next and that will stress me out and if I’m stressed out, I open myself up to failure.”
“The pressure of the games gets to everyone—”
“It’s not the games! The games are the easy part, I know what to do there—I just have to do what I’ve been doing for months. But after that?” I croak. “What do I do after I’ve done the thing I’ve wanted all my life? What if I don’t have a life after the games?”
The words are all mine, but I feel like a witness to someone else’s breakdown.
Maude sits next to me. “Of course you’ll have a life. You’re at a tough age. Everything is so close but so very far away. It’s okay not to know, Roderick.”
“Okay—” I roll my eyes. “But you get that I need to know…something.Like what am I going to do after Millan? After I graduate college? Should I pursue a relationship?”
Her voice drops. “Relationship? You’ve been lying to me about boy trouble.”
I mutter “Because he’s not a boy…”
“As your coach, I will tell you not to get distracted.” She waves a hand. “But clearly, we’re past that point. This…man. Is he kind to you?”
“Way kinder than I am to him.”
“If he heard you say that, would he agree?”
“No. Like I said, he’s kind. Maybetookind.”
Maude gives me a knowing smile.
“I used to say the same thing about Garth. Then one day I realized, when I was cruelest to myself, he was gentle in return. It’s in your nature to scrutinize.” Her face hardens. “I don’t like that you didn’t tell me about this.” I open my mouth to argue, but she continues,“Let me guess, he’s older, maybe some new TA or the parent of a friend?”
I’m shocked into silence but the growing heat in my cheeks speaks for me.
“Uh-uh. Well, regardless,I can’t decide anything for you, Roderick. Even in figure skating, you have the final decision. You want something? Demand it. Fight for it.”
She stands, heading for the door. With her hand on the knob, she looks back at me. “It’s my job to support you, Roderick. And I do support you.”
“What if I make the wrong decision?”
“Stop expecting there to be a wrong or right choice. The world doesn’t work out so neatly.” She opens the door. “Now, relax.” She steps into the hallway. “Take a breath.” The door is halfway closed, her head poking back into the dressing room. “And dosomething.”
The knob turns with a click, and I’m back to being alone with my thoughts.
I can’t believe I ever considered being a philosophy major. Like I’d ever survive ruminating like this for agrade.I’d tear my hair out—which might not be a bad idea.
