“You’re acting like I planned this. Like I wanted it.”
“You didn’t want it?”
“No, I-I did want it, but I never thought of you as beneath me. Maybe not thinking everything through was the problem. I didn’t think about anything and just did it.” Mia sighed, her vision drifting to the sky. “You’re angry with me. I get it. But what you’re saying right now is not only a slam on yourself but hurtful to me, too.”
“I don’t really know what you expect from me. How did you imagine this whole thing would end? Was I supposed to kiss you on your cheek and then watch you drive off into the sunset with nothing but warm, fuzzy memories? Is it wrong for me to actually want something from this?”
Mia blew out an aggravated breath. “And what do you think I’m hearing, but more expectations? My whole life has been filled with expectations and me trying to fit into whatever box people want to put me in. Now I’m getting them from you.”
A frustrated hand rubbed the nape of his neck. “It’s not expectations, as much as it’s me caring about you and wanting you to be happy.”
She narrowed her eyes, her cheeks were dry from tears but stained with streaks of pink. “And why would that matter?”
“Are you saying it doesn’t matter?”
“Do you think expectations came from people who didn’t care about me? My parents cared about me and loved me, and they had the highest expectations.”
“Is that what this is really about? Does this have something to do with your father?” Ross couldn’t hide the harshness from his questions as a darkness crept its way into his soul.
“What?”
“You don’t want to disappoint your father, and he would definitely be disappointed if you stayed with me. Are you sure you just turned twenty-six? Because waiting for your father’s approval over your life sounds like the persuadable sixteen-year-old Mia again.” A bitter venom was already invading his bloodstream and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.
Mia’s mouth opened to respond but only jagged breaths came out. She sucked in her bottom lip, her eyes closing as if searching for inner strength. When she opened them again, they locked on to him. “You don’t know how exhausting it is to feel stuck, to feel trapped in between. I honestly don’t know what the answer is. Do I trust that my father knows best? Do I throw it all to the wind and take a risk? I don’t know. I really don’t. And I don’t want to disappoint him or you, but at the end of the day, someone is going to be severely disappointed in me, and it’s eating me up inside.”
Mia swallowed, tears pooling at the edge of her eyes again. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you because I know you care about me. I know this. And I care about you. I’ve always cared about you, and I’ve always seen you as someone of value. Not in the mud. Not lesser than. You’re a beautiful man who makes beautiful jewelry and cares for a sweet dog and supports his cousin, and then on top of that, you want to take me on as well. You give so much of yourself, and I wish I could return it all. You deserve to be happy, too. But…all this was decided a while ago, and I’m stuck.”
“Fine. Go home, Mia.”
“Ross—”
“Looks like the choice wasn’t so difficult after all. I just wish you would have told me as soon as you made it. It’s not fair you get to pull yourself away, while leaving me completely in the dark.”
“I’m sor—”
“I don’t want to hear anymore apologies. You have to do what you have to do. I should have known better. You gave up on me once before. It was really only a matter of time before it happened again, wasn’t it?”
Mia’s face fell, a frown deepening into her features. “Ross…”
“Go home.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
The drive wassuch an uneventful blur, Mia didn’t remember one moment of it. Her path started at Ross’s house and, as if by magic, her car ended in her driveway. She managed to pull herself from her vehicle and grabbed her backpack. She trudged across each surface she came into contact with: first the pavement, then hardwood floors, and, lastly, carpet. She had walked this path a million times, but it never felt as long as it did today. In her bedroom, her backpack was dropped in a lump at the foot of her bed before she fell into the mattress face first.
When she thought about Ross’s offer and the promises he made, she wanted to weep until the green-and-blue comforter beneath her was soaked through with salty tears. The bed made a poor substitute for the warm body of her mother to cry against. What did a bed know about the complexity of life? Its single contribution in this was performing the role of sponge for Mia’s sorrow.
It wasn’t as if Ross’s offer wasn’t tempting. She’d never received a more attractive proposition in her life. She could almost imagine herself living a quiet life. One where Ross would spend his days making jewelry, and she would be busy inside the special darkroom he made for her. They’d spend their evenings making dinner and laughing together before ending the day in each other’s arms. It was a romantic vision of the future, but that’s all it was.
Mia was quite familiar with ridiculous fantasies. She had them all the time, ever since she was a kid. She envisioned herself being a star tutor to Ross. She envisioned being a top advisor in the political world. And, not too long ago, a foolish Mia envisioned getting together with some random handsome man in a red-and-black plaid shirt in Pony Expresso. But not one of these had come true. All this proved was that she wasn’t great at knowing what her life was going to be. It was safe to say she was horrible at it.
Her wishful thinking was no more real than her dreams at night. Here she was, once again, envisioning the most charming and splendid life she could have with Ross. How wrong could she be in this? Mia’s future might be one where she moved from one failed project to the next, never finding the one job she was successful and happy with until Ross grew tired of pulling her along. She would become nothing but an anchor around his increasingly unhappy neck. In the end, she may become a bigger disappointment than even she imagined. The thought landed inside her stomach with the gravity of a black hole, sucking every other hopeful thought into oblivion.
At this moment, Ross was probably regretting all of it. His promise. His commitment. His love. She had gotten this special gift. Not being able to grasp it with both hands shattered her heart. These same shards were now stabbing her from the inside.
Ross had been wrong about her. Mia wasn’t strong enough. Whenever there was a sure, safe thing, Mia reached for it every time. And though she spent a week ignoring it, she had a sure thing in her hand even at this moment. Wishful thinking be damned, she was as predictable and as much of a coward as she feared. She knew what her ultimate decision would be. Why was she pretending it could be anything else? A maze didn’t have multiple paths to the end. It had only one. Ross deserved someone stronger than her. Someone who could accept his gifts without putting them through a debate or writing out a pros and cons chart.
With her fate accepted, the last thing remaining was to escape Placerville as fast as she could. She didn’t want to be reminded of what she didn’t choose and how much courage she lacked. She headed to her closet to begin the process of packing.
