“I don’t know. This weekend was so good and now everything’s fallen apart. I should have caught this sooner.”
Jonas looks at me like he’s trying to pull the top of my head off and peek inside. “The judge was the missing piece. Without that information, we wouldn’t have unraveled everything. I don’t see how you could have caught it sooner unless you’d investigated every judge in the city. That seems like a waste of time and resources.”
“You’re right.”
“I know,” he says simply, jumping up to sit on the counter. “Do you think Cara is mad at you? Because she was arrested?”
“Yeah, I do. I told her back in Colorado that I was going to fix this. And I fucking failed. She never should have been put in this position in the first place.”
“Perhaps not. But wishing things were different won’t change anything.”
Sometimes, Jonas’s straight talk is a little much to take. Especially when he’s right. Which he often is. “Do you ever just feel like you don’t fit? Like you haven’t figured shit out yet?”
His hands move to grip the edge of the counter, knuckles whitening. He drops his eyes to the floor. “Yes. A lot lately.”
“What do you do when you feel that way?”
“Shift my attention to things I know I’m good at. Feeling unsure is...uncomfortable.”
“It sure as fuck is.” I lift myself onto the counter opposite him and stare out the floor-to-ceiling windows at the moonlit night. “Computers and hacking are the only things that make me feel capable. I’ve been trying to be more...grown up for a while. I think I’ve changed, outside at least. But I don’t feel that different. I still feel like the useless little brother.”
Jonas raises his head with a frown. “I don’t understand why you would say that.”
“Come on. You have to see it. I am not like the rest of you. You’re all so confident. You seem to know exactly what your place in the world is. And I’m the fucking kid playing video games.”
“That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard you say. And I once listened to you and Colton argue over whether Mario or Luigi was the better plumber.”
I’m still right on that. Luigi’s height gives him more torque. “Good thing you didn’t try for a career as a therapist. You’re not supposed to tell people in crisis that they’re stupid.”
“You’re not in crisis. You just aren’t looking at things correctly.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s the right way?”
His gaze is piercing and too knowing. “We’re an organism. A living, breathing system. Just like a body can’t function without a liver, or a heart, or kidneys, we can’t function without each other. Together, our parts make up a whole. If you weren’t you, then none of this would exist.”
That may be one of the best things anyone’s ever said to me. I let myself sit with it for a minute. Rolling it around, testing its edges. Wondering if it’s true. “But the guys rag on me for playing video games.”
He shrugs. “So? They also play with you sometimes. And you tease me about my puzzles all the time. But sometimes you sit and put them together with me. I’m not sure we would function as a unit without annoying each other.”
Chuckling, I drop my head back. “You’re probably right.” He still looks so...not him. “Jonas, what makes you feel like you don’t fit?”
His mouth firms into a line, and he pushes his glasses up his nose. If I were to ask some of my other brothers this same question, they’d brush me off or make something up. Not Jonas. If he didn’t want to answer, he’d just tell me. The fact that he’s talking tells me how much it’s been bothering him. “Recently, I have discovered a...fascination with a woman. I’m finding it difficult to see a clear path forward.”
“With Janey?” He’s been more than obvious in his fixation on her. To an outsider, it probably just looks like he’s being friendly, but for Jonas, it is the equivalent of dropping his pants and saying, ‘come and get me’. He has never shown interest in another woman. I mean, he asked her to call him by his first name. I wouldn’t be surprised if he bought a ring already.
His eyes shutter. “Yes.”
“And you don’t see a clear path forward because?” Any woman to end up with Jonas would be damn lucky. And Janey is amazing.
The door opening saves him from answering. It’s time.
AN HOUR LATER, THE PLAN IS IN PLACE, AND I’ M CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND JONAS AND JANEY. I turn, leaning against it, eyeing Cara at the windows. She’s standing, arms crossed tightly over her chest, looking out over the lake. Her face is shadowed, but the ravages of the day are stamped on her features. She looks like she’s one second from a full meltdown. And I don’t know how to make it better.
But I do know something I have to do.
Moving to her, I stop behind her, raising a hand before dropping it again. We study each other in the reflection of the glass, this moment feeling too precarious to face each other.
I clear my throat nervously. “I am so fucking sorry. I told you I would make this go away, and I didn’t.”
