She blows out a heavy breath. “When I started the process to adopt, I went and told my parents in person. I brought pictures of Mia. And…they said things I will never repeat. Horrible things about her, and her skin color, and her origins.”
She shrugs, the movement showing her pain. “I knew my parents were not the most accepting people, but that level of racism, of hate, shocked me. They told me that adopting Mia would be the biggest mistake of my life. So I walked away, knowing I would never see them again. I will never expose Mia to them and their hate.”
I’m angry all over again. Why is this world filled with shitty parents? I guess it doesn’t matter if you grow up with money, you can get fucked over just the same. It’s odd to think that in a lot of ways, I had a better childhood than her.
“I support that decision. Completely. They don’t deserve her, Evie. Or you.”
“I know. I guess I hoped I could give her a real family, you know?”
“Fuck that. You are a real family. She’s got you, so she’s the luckiest kid in the world.”
Her eyes widen. “How can you say stuff like that? You’ve known me for a month!”
I scrub my hands over my face. “Evie, I know what a good mom looks like. I had one of the best. And you, you’re a really good mom. It’s clear to anyone who spends more than five minutes in your presence. Mia loves you. But more than that, she is so secure in your love that she’s free to be the little spitfire that she is.”
Dropping my hands, I drive my point home. “I have seen way too many kids from bad homes. The kids who were beaten, starved…and worse. Most of my brothers had shitty childhoods. I know exactly what a bad parent looks like. You’re not it.”
She’s motionless, studying me. “Ok,” she whispers with a small smile.
“I have one more question, then we’ll get started on this workout.” She nods, waiting. “Your brother. You said he went to law school…did he help you?”
The way her nose scrunches up gives me my answer. “Never mind. I can see he didn’t. I can’t handle hearing any more about your shitty family right now. Let’s work out.” I shove off the bench, holding my hand out for her, waiting for her to take it. I pull her up off the bench and start walking with her around the track to warm up. I answer her questions and laugh at her silly jokes, but inside I feel like I swallowed a rock.
Evie and Mia need family even more than I realized. They need us. They need Holly and Becca, and Mia needs all of us uncles to spoil her rotten.
The word uncle sits like acid on my tongue.
As much as I might have denied it, I was hoping for a different role in Mia’s life, a different title. And a more official role in Evie’s. But that’s now further out of reach than ever. Because it’s clear that pushing for anything more with Evie would be a colossal mistake. I will not risk her leaving us.
“Come on, let’s go work with the weights.” I run her through a series of exercises, making a mental note to get some lighter weights in here. We didn’t design this place with women in mind, and it shows. I torture myself, standing close, touching her. Breathing her in, soaking in her laughter and smiles. And I try to convince myself that this is for the best. That I wouldn’t have been what she needed, anyway. I mean, I have no fucking idea how to be a husband, let alone a dad. But I’m sure I can figure out how to be the fun uncle.
Maybe it would be smarter to distance myself, to protect myself from falling any deeper. But I won’t. I can’t. They’re the best part of my day, and I can’t imagine my life without them now.
So I’ll stay the course, be the best fucking friend she’s ever had, and shove my feelings down. Not the healthiest choice I know, but the only one that makes sense right now.
An hour later, I escort Evie into Kade and Becca’s apartment. Mia’s excited shrieks fill the air as Declan chases her around the couch. She darts behind Ransom, and he scoops her up, putting her on his back. Clinging like a monkey, she howls as he races away with her.
Evie’s watching the chaos with the biggest smile. Her hand is pressed to her chest, eyes wet, and any doubts about my decision go up in smoke. This is what she needs. The chaos and love that comes with being part of the Brash family. And if it kills me, fine. Better she keeps this, keeps us.
I can’t stand here next to her anymore. It’s too much. Too hard. I kick off my shoes and run to join the fray.
“Horsey!” Mia yells. “Come get me.”
We chase and play and make fools of ourselves for her. And honestly, laugh so fucking much I’ll be skipping my ab workout tomorrow. When Becca calls us for supper, I scoop Mia up, carrying her upside down, pretending to bump her into all the furniture as we go. We laugh and eat, and I endure absolute torture. Evie’s hand brushes my arm at the table. She leans in and nudges me with her shoulder. Her eyes are so fucking happy I want to do anything I can to keep that look on her face.
So, gritting my teeth, I try not to react. I don’t grab her, throw her down on the table and devour her. I don’t pull her into my lap and take her mouth. I just sit there, memorizing every touch, sick knowing that I won’t ever get to make her mine. Ever. I let the pain of that dig deep, knowing I won’t be able to live with it for long.
By the timeI walk through the rusted doors of the warehouse, I’m more on edge than I’ve ever been in my whole fucking life. I thought coming here simplified things. I thought these underground fights were just a way for me to blow off steam. But tonight, my motives aren’t pure. Every dream I didn’t know I had is gone. Tonight, I want to make someone hurt as much as I hurt right now.
The roar of the crowds, the yeasty smell of spilled beers overlaying the sharp musk of sweat fade as I meet the eyes of my opponent. He’s a big fucker, almost as big as me. We’ve faced off before, and it’s fucking perfect that we’re head to head again. He’s going to make me work for it. I’ll have to put away everything that’s breaking my fucking heart, or I’ll end up in the hospital.
The promoter yells “fight” then dives out of the cage, slamming the gate shut behind him, leaving me and the mountain in the ring. I smile and taunt him. “Bring it, big boy. Show me what you’ve got.”
17
EVIE
“Where Horsey Mama?” Mia asks. For the twentieth time this morning. I give her the same answer I gave her five minutes ago. And five minutes before that.
