I can’t.
When I was little, Dad had an old vase of his mom’s on our mantle. It had little hairline cracks running throughout the white porcelain. Our house looked like a bachelor decorated it, so the vase always looked a little out of place.
But I was fascinated by the cracks. I thought they made the vase look cool. But one day, when Dad and I were goofing around, that vase came tumbling down, shattering on the wood floor. I begged him to try and fix it, but he explained to me that the vase was weak and that when something weak breaks, sometimes there’s just no putting it together again.
I understand what he meant by that today, more than I ever have.
27
KADE
Ilock the new front door, then slump down into a chair. What a fucking mess. Everything blew up tonight, and it’s all my fucking fault. I can’t bring myself to go upstairs to face her. I knew this was coming, that she’d move on, but I thought it would be because she got sick of me, not because I’m a colossal asshole.
A rap on the door startles me. I shift to see Colton's large frame outside.
“Open the door dickhead.” His voice is clear, even through the thick glass door.
“What are you doing back here, man?” I ask.
“Checking on you. What else would I be doing?” Of course he is. He’s incapable of minding his own fucking business.
“I’m fine. We’ve been through worse. You know that,” I say as I open the door. Colt’s belly laugh makes me want to punch him in the face. I’d do it, too, if his jaw wasn’t made of fucking titanium. Last thing I need is a broken hand to go along with my broken heart.
“You’re so far from fine, brother.” When I don’t answer, he continues. “What the hell was that, Kade?” he asks aggressively.
“What was what?” Playing dumb hasn’t ever worked with him, but it’s worth a try.
“Don’t play that fucking game with me, Kade. I know you too well. You froze her out. Your eyes were movie-villain cold.” Colton’s arms are crossed, his feet planted wide apart. No way will I be able to move this asshole. When he gets like this, a bulldozer can’t move him.
I sigh, rubbing my hands on the top of my head. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
His smile turns sad. “I can’t watch you do this, man.”
“Do what, Colt?”
“Destroy the best fucking thing to ever happen to you?”
I snort. “Really? What the fuck do you know about anything? You only met her tonight.”
“True. But I know you. You’ve been a different person the last month.”
“Sure.” I scoff. “I’m all sun-shiny and shit?”
Colt’s face is so serious. “You’re fucking alive, man.” I shake my head, turning to stalk behind the reception desk. “It’s true, Kade. You know it is. You’ve been a zombie for as long as I’ve known you.”
“Fuck off, Colt. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I’m not a fucking zombie. Sure, I’ve been phoning it in for a while, but what does he expect from me?
“Yeah, I do, man. You’ve been my brother for over twenty years. I’ve been watching you.” He exhales heavily. “You’ve been existing. You’re there for your brothers, always. But in your own life, you’re fucking drifting. All those women you let take advantage of you? There’d be a little spark in you when you first met them, then, poof, it would be gone. They’d drag you way the fuck down. And I gotta tell you, brother. I’m really pissed at you for that.”
I cross my arms and raise my eyebrows. “Really? Why the fuck would you have any feeling about it?”
Colt growls, stalking toward me. I ball up my fist, wanting to shut him up but knowing I’d never hit him. At the end of the day, he’s still my brother and I don’t want to hurt him. Even if I could.
The toes of his boots hit mine, and he leans into me until our noses are almost touching. “You dumb motherfucker. You’re my brother. I fucking love you. And anything that hurts you is not okay with me. And you hurting yourself? Really fucking not okay, Kade!” he yells.
He has no idea the shit running through my head. I don’t want him to know. But he has to see. How can he not? He says he knows me? Bullshit.
“I’m fucking broken, man,” I admit harshly. “I want them to get better. I thought maybe if I tried…” I drift off.
