“And then everything went to shit, and you realized you’d married a violent, narcissistic asshole.” She says through gritted teeth.
“Essentially.”
“You can still have that Hol. Micah will give you anything you want, even babies.” She’s not laughing, her voice a whisper.
“Don’t you think that’s rushing things a bit?” I mean, we’ve been kissing…a lot. And I’ve been touching him. But we’re not really a normal couple…yet.
“Nope.” She smirks. “Micah’s been in love with you as long as he’s known you. You own him.”
I shift uncomfortably. “I can’t own another person. That’s what Brent tried to do with me. It’s not ok.”
“It’s completely different and you know it,” she challenges. “You own Micah’s heart, Holly. That means he lives to make you happy. Anything you need from him, he’ll give it. But he’s not giving that trust to some monster.” Her gaze is pointed. “He’s giving it to you. He’s choosing you. Brent took you. That wasn’t about devotion or love. It was about control. Can’t you see the difference?”
I curl my feet under me. “I…yes, I suppose. But I’m not even divorced! How am I supposed to let him pleasure me if I’m still married?”
Becca sits up straight, turning to face me with wide eyes. “Wait a minute…pleasure you? Is this the homework thing? I thought you were touching him. There’s more now?”
I scowl at her eagerness. “Yes, there’s more,” I mutter, “I’m supposed to let him touch me.”
“Touch you or pleasure you?”
I blow out a frustrated breath. “He’s been touching me. My counselor encouraged me to let him touch me casually throughout the day. Desensitization. So I stop jumping and I get used to him. We…ah actually started that before she suggested it.”
She laughs. “Keener! And…it’s working?”
My cheeks redden and I can’t meet her eyes.
“Ah!” she screams, “It is working! He’s turning you on!”
“He’s just touching my shoulder, or my arm…and well, there have been kisses. A lot of them. But nothing overtly sexual.”
Becca’s smile is warm. “It can all be sexual. Kade has this certain smile…well I’m like a fucking river every time he sends it my way.” A river, what does she…oh. Heavens, can my face get any redder? “Oh Hol,” she says through her giggles, “you’re going to have so much fun.”
“Sex and fun have never gone together before.”
“They can. In good relationships, they do.”
“But what if I can’t…have sex with him?”
“What makes you think you couldn’t? You’re turned on by him, right?”
“Yes,” I admit, digging my fingers into the leather underneath me. “But what if I freeze up? Or panic?”
“You take steps to put yourself in control first, but then if you panic? Well, you’ll deal with it and try again when you’re ready. Micah’s not going anywhere.”
“Steps to put myself in control?” My mind flashes to our first night on the rug. I felt in control that night. More than in control, I felt powerful.
“Well yeah. You can be on top, or you can just pick a position that makes you two equal. Am I right in thinking Brent was all about missionary?”
My thoughts are swirling, imagining Micah in a variety of positions, so I'm distracted when I answer, “Yes.”
“So maybe you avoid that position, but there’s a whole other world out there, my friend. And you know Micah would be on board.”
“Um…like what positions would you suggest?”
Now she’s the one flushing red, but not in embarrassment. “Oooh, there’s so many good ones. For your first time, maybe face to face on your sides. No weight on you that way. Or go ahead and ride him. Or maybe on your sides with him behind you. Or you could sit in his lap, or you—“.
“Okay!” I say with a strangled breath. “There’s lots to choose from. I got the idea. I’m just not quite there yet.”
