“This…ok?” he asks carefully.
A giggle takes over my body. “I should be asking you that. Looks like the females have invaded your space.”
He smiles, crossing his eyes to look at Minnie’s paw on his nose, but doesn’t move her.
“Like…you…space.”
My cheeks heat, but I don’t look away, my gaze moving from his warm eyes to the cat, and back again. “You’re not ever going to hit me, are you?” I ask, a thread of certainty in my voice.
“Never.” His voice is strong, sure. His glittering eyes locked on mine.
“You’re never going to rape me, are you?”
He flinches, a rumbled, “Never,”coming from deep in his chest.
I move to sit up, getting tangled in the blankets. Micah lifts up to help me, Minnie sliding off his head onto his pillow. She rolls over and goes right back to sleep.
Micah helps me adjust the stupid cast until I’m sitting comfortably facing him. I take a minute to admire the acres of golden skin, the flattened spots on his dark hair. I swear I can see a Minnie shaped outline. But his eyes, those warm brown eyes, are locked on me, like I’m the only thing he can see.
“When Brent asked me to marry him, I thought it was too fast. He seemed so mature and smooth that I sometimes felt like an immature child around him. And I was flattered that he wanted me. I was…shy. Quiet. Stuck in my books. But he came into the coffee shop at the university when I was on shift, and stayed for hours, flirting with me.” I meet Micah’s eyes briefly before looking back at the hollow of his throat. “I…liked the attention. I hadn’t had any boyfriends in high school. My parents were…very strict. So when I got to college, I felt left behind, I guess? I didn’t know how to interact with most of the guys. So I focused on school, and I worked to make ends meet.”
“Scholar…ship?” he asks.
“It covered my tuition and books, and my dorm room. I had to handle food and everything else. I made it work.” He nods, encouraging me to continue.
“Brent took the lead in our relationship, completely. He did most of the talking, and then he kept showing up when I was on shift. He’d asked my manager, and she told him my schedule.” He scowls at that. I feel the same way…now. I don’t understand why she thought it was ok to share that information. Aren’t women supposed to look out for each other?
“At the time, I was flattered by the attention. He was handsome, put together, and he seemed to want me. So when he pushed me to marry him, I said yes, even though in my gut I knew it wasn’t the right choice. But I ignored it, Micah, and I paid for that mistake with everything that I was.”
He exhales heavily, pushing his hand through his hair. “Right,” he says heavily. Those eyes are shuttered now, hiding what he feels from me.
“My gut,” I say, watching him carefully, “tells me I’m safer than I’ve ever been in my life when I’m with you.”
His eyes flare with surprise. He swallows thickly. “I thought you were going to say something different.”
“I know.” I say sadly. “I’ve been pretty all over the place this week. Battling my head and my body. And then you told me…” The words he gave me feel so massive, I don’t think I can say them.
“Love…you.” He says with a quirk of his lips.
“Yeah. That. I…It was a lot.” I say, an apology in my tone.
“I never meant to overwhelm you, or push you into a corner.”He signs urgently.“My feelings for you are mine to handle. If you don’t feel the same, or—.“
“It’s not that. I feel lots of things. Most of them are completely new to me. But I also feel…vulnerable,” I explain, scowling. “I’m dependent on you for everything right now. I’m living in your house, eating your food, wearing clothes you bought me. I needed your help to get changed last night, for heaven’s sake.”
He looks down, gently petting the tip of Minnie’s paw with his pinkie. “Need…time.” He says gruffly.
“Yeah, I do. Just when I think I have some control over things, the rug gets yanked out from under me. I need a chance to figure out how to be me again. How to not be so scared all the time. How to trust myself.”
I take a deep breath, feeling my whole face flush in preparation for this next part. But if I want even a hope of things working between us, he has to know where I’m coming from.
“I’ve never had an orgasm, Micah. I have never had sex without pain. Not once have I done something in the bedroom because I wanted it. I don’t know what I like. What feels good. And I’m terrified that if you and I ever got to that point, all I would be able to think about is the way Brent hurt me. I’m afraid he’ll poison everything that could be between us. I’m afraid we’ll be ruined.”
Micah’s eyes are glassy, his hands fisted in his lap. His deep chest moves rhythmically. “I hoped that he was kind to you at the beginning, at least. That he would take care of you on your wedding night.”
“He told me it always hurts the first time. He was abrupt, and I wasn’t ready, but I thought it would get better. It didn’t. And when I learned that he would force me, even when I didn’t want to…I had to get resourceful.”
“Re…re…sourceful?” His face is pained, tight.
