CHAPTER 1
QUINCY
“I don’t know Margot,” I sigh into the phone as I lay back on my bed. “I don’t know how to describe it. I just feel like,” I pause and really search for the right words because they live somewhere inside me, “I’m missing out on something while I’m chasing something I’m not sure I want anymore.”
“Okay,” Margot Higgins, who was Margot Reynolds when she was America’s sweetheart on the silver screen, holds out the word in a way which tells me she’s considering my words instead of brushing them off.
I’m so tired of people brushing me off. I’m tired of everyone around me who only wants me to keep moving forward. To the next audition. To the next job. To the next event. To the next networking party. To the next place I have to appear because I must be seen.
Because I have to play the game.
Because I have to make the right people happy at the right time.
Because I have to ensure everything stays on brand.
It’s exhausting. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep things going.
“You’ve been working a lot,” her words are measured, like she’s not sure how much to say or how to say it.
“I’ve been working too much. I’m starting to feel like I’m only a bank to everyone around me, to everyone who benefits from being in myorbit. How do I know they really give a shit about me?” I can’t keep the derision out of my voice and I don’t even try.
“You won’t know,” she tells me bluntly. Because Margot has always been the kind of friend to give it to me straight. “It’s one of the worst things about that town. You never really know if the people around you, and the people trying to get close to you have good intentions, or if their motives are strictly selfish and they’re only going to use you until they suck you dry.”
“Well,” I sass her, needing to deflect a little, “you’re not holding back I see.”
“You don’t need me to hold back,” she reminds me, not letting me off the hook. “You’re surrounded by people who hold back and who are invested in keeping the machine going. Which means you need to use the machine to get yourself the time you need. If it’s distance you need, then you might need to book a movie with some travel involved.”
I make a humming sound, but the thought of working more, of taking another role right now, is exhausting and the process hasn’t even started.
Then I want to slap myself because I sound so ungrateful. This is the life I wanted, it’s the life I’ve been working for, and I’ve been doing it for so long. It wasn’t the life I thought I’d have, but then I was discovered.
It really was aright look, right place, right personsituation. That’s all it was. I had the look his studio wanted and was the right age when I was 15. Honestly, I didn’t think it was going to be a big thing. If he wasn’t in my small hometown to visit someone, he wouldn’t have seen me.
I wouldn’t be where I am. It’s almost impossible to imagine where I would be if this life hadn’t aligned.
Margot was one of the first people I met because we were close in age and she was working on the same lot as me. Her story is a long one,but when I met her, she was on the straight and narrow, which wasn’t always the case; child stars can have a certain trajectory.
She took on raising her little sister when she was practically a baby as well. I can’t imagine doing it if I had been in her shoes, but she made it work. I’ve always admired her for it.
Then years ago, she took a role for a movie shooting in Denver. She needed a bodyguard and she got one. And a whole lot more.
Blake Higgins took one look at my friend and knew she was it for him. He didn’t even think twice when it came to Charlotte.
Love stories like theirs don’t happen every day.
Margot got out. She might take a role when she wants, but Hollywood has very little to do with her life. I’ve been thrilled for her, and jealous of what she’s found, even though I would never want it taken from her. She’s simply living a life that rings true to me in a way I continue to ignore.
Because I must.
If I allow it to settle, if I really examine my reality, then I don’t know what I’d do. I’d probably disappear into the mountains somewhere and never come back. Then I would become one of those celebrities people say they spot in random places, but it’s never really them. Because I would make sure the paparazzi couldn’t find me.
Why haven’t I just done it already?
It feels like I can’t, like I’m stuck on a ride and can’t get off because it doesn’t stop long enough to let me even try. And I’m exhausted.
“The thought of booking another role right now, even if it takes me out of LA, sounds draining,” I admit with a sigh. My tone turns thoughtful, “Can you be grateful and beyond exhausted at the same time?”
Margot chuckles, but there’s no real humor in the sound. “Of course,” she agrees readily. “It’s okay to feel like you owe everyone whohas gotten you where you are, and still not want to be there. We’re complicated creatures,” her voice is indulgent.
