Apparently it was something Charlotte herself hadn’t anticipated discussing either.
Several seconds later, she recovered, speaking slowly. “Well, I was never particularly interested in romance. I was always much more focused on the bigger picture. The future. In high school, I cared more about extracurriculars; in college I was more concerned about internships.”
Sutton rolled her lips at the evasive answer before asking, “Did you tell anyone about your sexuality? At what point in your life did you tell people in your inner circle?”
Charlotte sat up straight, her shoulders back as she answered. “I told my ‘inner circle,’ as you say, in high school. My grandmother, my brothers. My parents.” The look in her eyes was blazingly direct, intent and purposeful, as she stated, “I wasneverashamed of my sexuality, and that’s something I need to be known. I was just—busy.”
“What did your grandmother have to say about it?” Sutton waited for the answer on bated breath. Elizabeth Thompson had been a force of nature. In the handful of minutes Sutton had spent with her years ago, she’d been both intense and dismissive.
But she also knew in her bones how deeply Elizabeth had loved Charlotte. She’d seen it, even if Elizabeth hadn’t shown her love and affection in typical ways.
Charlotte paused, interlacing her fingers over her knee. “She was honest with me. As she so often was.” There was that warmth, that fondness in her tone. Unmistakable. Alongingfor a presence that was no longer here. It was something Charlotte subconsciously adopted every time they discussed Elizabeth. Something beautiful. “That the life I wanted for myself was already going to be an uphill battle, that I would already have a long road ahead of me. And that, frankly, my sexuality would make it more difficult.”
Her voice fell quiet then, as she thought about those words. Sutton could see it on her face, how Charlotte relived that moment. “She told me the truth. Her truth. That there was so much more to life than falling in love.”
“Do you think that influenced the way you approached romance?” Sutton asked softly, her heart thudding in her chest at the question. Sheneededthe answer to the question she’d asked a minute ago, the one that Charlotte had somehow sidestepped.
There was simply no way that those comments at such a pivotal time, from a woman Charlotte idolized, hadn’t informed her decisions in life.
Charlotte blinked at her for a few seconds, seemingly brought back to the present. “I suppose, yes. It may have.”
There was a raw edge of honesty in her tone that even surprised Sutton.
Charlotte cleared her throat as she rolled her shoulders, adjusting her posture. “Admittedly, I wasneversomeone who had flights of fancy when it came to romance. Even as a little girl. I never spent time thinking about falling in love or having pretend weddings or anything like that. Maybe romance would have been something that mattered more to me as I got older, if my circumstances weren’t what they had been. The way theyare. I guess I’ll never know. But… not getting swept up in romance, not dating, it was never difficult for me. I never felt like I was at war with myself, trying to balance my life.”
Sutton nodded slowly, swallowing hard as she felt they were starting to walk into murkier territory. Unfortunately, that was unavoidable on this topic. For them, talking about love would always blur the lines.
“You came out publicly within the last couple of years. How did that change your view on dating, given that you could publicly be with a partner?”
“It didn’t,” Charlotte admitted with a wry smile. “Not really.”
“Did you date?” Sutton asked, painfully curious, feeling her heart start to pound even as she willed it not to.
“Not really,” Charlotte repeated, her voice low and solemn as she held Sutton’s gaze. “I went out with a couple of women, mostly casual. Socially. But coming out publicly did very little to change my approach in life at the time.”
Sutton nodded, gripping her pen tighter, even though—unusual for her, during these work meetings with Charlotte—she hadn’t taken a single note. Still, she carried on asking the questions she’d written, the questions for which she’d determined to pretend that Charlotte wasn’t Charlotte. Questions she’d ask anyone she was writing about, regarding their love life. As if it wasn’t personal to her, at all. “So no one caught your interest, even though I imagine there were several potential interested parties.”
“No. That is, there were interested parties, in your words. And I entertained the thought of them sometimes. I tried to.” Charlotte’s voice took on that serious, painfully sincere note as she stared intently at Sutton. “But the truth is, I’ve only ever wantedmorewith someone… once.”
“Oh?” Sutton intoned, holding the pen in her hand so tightly it creaked.
Charlotte nodded, not looking away. The look in her eyes was so gripping, Sutton couldn’t look away either. “And it was long before I ever came out publicly.”
“Charlotte.” The pleading note in her own voice was uncontrollable. “Don’t do this. This”—she gestured at her notebook, her phone—“this iswork. It’s not the time forus. Please.”
“It is the time forus, Sutton, when the topic duringworkis about my love life,” Charlotte corrected her firmly. “Because on this topic, what you’ve not asked is whether or not I’ve ever regretted my decision to not come out when I did. If I wish I had done it sooner.”
“I imagine you don’t have regrets,” she managed in a voice barely above a whisper. “You didn’t sound regretful when you were discussing your love life a few minutes ago.”
“Not when discussing my love life from high school or college or whatever. Because I didn’t have regrets about not being with that cheerleader or anyone who came after her during those years. I neverwantedmore with them, regardless of the reason why,” Charlotte explained, the energy rolling off of her in waves as she leaned forward in her chair.
“But I do have one regret, Sutton. Theonlything I look back on with regret is whether I should have come out sooner. If I should have given myself the opportunity to pursue a real relationship sooner.”
“No.” Sutton shook her head, closing her eyes tightly. “No.”
Even in the last month, even amid the resurgence of their sex life, they had never revisited the past. The past wasthe past, and Sutton liked it exactly where it was. They didn’t discuss Charlotte breaking Sutton’s heart. They didn’t discuss everything that had been said and unsaid back then. It was for the best.
“Yes,” Charlotte insisted, ignoring their unspoken rule. “Because I’ve only been in love once. And it’s the reason I’ve never been able to meaningfully date, even after coming out.”
