Sutton resumed her pacing from earlier, feeling even more unsettled now. “You just said it. I’mperfect. Well, if that’s true, how come I’ve fallen in love with two women who have both left me?” she challenged, the backs of her eyes burning at this raw truth. “How come every time I’m in love, I get blindsided by a breakup? And how come, in those breakups, I get told I’ve done nothing wrong?”
There. The confusing, looming, ugly truth was laid between them, and Sutton felt wrecked from admitting it aloud. She’d never, ever voiced it, but the thought had been so present in the background of her life for years.
Regan’s eyes were wide and surprised and sad, and she shook her head, her voice uncharacteristically quiet. “Sutton?—”
“Charlotte and Layla both shattered different parts of my life. My heart. And both of them told me I couldn’t have done anything differently.” Her voice broke as she stared at Regan, helplessly. “According to Layla, I wasperfect.”
She couldfeelthe bitterness seep out on that word, from every pore in her body.
“I haven’t been trying to date or find a partner for years, Regan, because every time I’ve had my heart broken, apparently there was nothing I could change. Both times, there was nothing I could do differently; there was nothing I could change about myself. Nothing I could work on. I give everything I am in a relationship; I treat my partner as best as I can, and yet it’s not enough. I’m sick to death of being theperfect partnerand still never being enough. And I can’t do it again. I can’t handle it. I can’t.”
She felt like all of the energy zapped out of her body for the first time all night, and she collapsed onto the side of her bed, dropping her phone onto the blanket next to her and burying her face in her hands.
Within moments, she felt Regan settle next to her, an arm wrapping around her waist and pulling her in close.
“I’m so sorry, babe,” her best friend whispered, her other hand reaching up and brushing comfortingly through Sutton’s hair, pulling her head down against her shoulder.
Sutton settled her head there, taking in a deep, shuddering breath before she dropped her hands into her lap. “And Ireallycan’t do it with Charlotte.”
She didn’t have it in her to elaborate on that. Maybe, one day, she could try to give her all in another relationship. Maybe.
But Charlotte Thompson was not just some random person. And if Sutton removed the barriers she had up between herself and Charlotte, if she let herself fall headfirst into this the way sheknewshe would—so, so easily—she wasn’t sure if she would recover from it again.
“I get it,” Regan murmured, continuing to card her fingers through Sutton’s hair. The best thing about Regan was that Sutton knew shedidget it.
They sat there, cuddled close the way they would when they were kids, for several minutes, and Sutton took comfort from the warmth.
Then she felt Regan nod against the top of her head, pulling back from their embrace so that they could face one another.
“Sutton, you are mybestfriend. The only people on this earth that I love in the same stratosphere as I love you are my wife and your daughter.” Her dark eyes shone with sincerity as she reached down and squeezed Sutton’s hands.
She squeezed Regan’s hands right back. “I know.”
“So know that when I say this, I mean it: Your relationships not working out before? They hadnothingto do with you andeverythingto do with the people you were with and the situationstheywere in. It was shitty and hard and unfair, and I’m not saying you didn’t have some bad luck in the mix with you.” Regan held her gaze, giving her a gentle smile even as she nodded. “And I will not try to sway you on what you should do one way or the other with Charlotte or your love life?—”
Sutton scoffed, incredulous.
Regan accepted it with a cheeky smile. “For tonight, anyway. But either way? Youhaveto talk to Charlotte about this. You have to see her again, no matter what, to finish the final parts for the book. You have to know what it means, regardless of whether or not you want to try to be with her or not. And I’ll fully support you, whatever you decide.”
Sutton took in Regan’s words, letting them roll over her in quiet acceptance. For some reason, they quieted the insanity for the very first time since her earlier conversation with Charlotte.
She’d spent the last few days certain she would break off the sexual part of their relationship after the new year. She’d determined that was the best path, and she’d been prepared to follow through with it. For both her sake and Lucy’s.
Wherever this would lead, though, she needed to know.
With that in mind, she took a deep breath and reached for her phone.
Sutton—2:43 a.m.
Are you awake?
She had her answer before she actually received an answer: Her message was immediately read, a full minute before those three little dots appeared. Which was a full minute before she actually received a short, simple response.
Charlotte—2:45 a.m.
Yes
Sutton—2:47 a.m.
