He laughs, towelling his hair a little to stop it dripping down his torso and back. Then he falls silent, his eye drifting to thehorizon, to the evergreen-covered hillside and the blue of the early morning sky.
‘You OK?’ I ask.
‘Yeah.’ He shifts towards me again, his eyes serious. ‘You know, I’d have married you back then. If you’d wanted me to.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Well, yeah.’
‘Hal, we were teenagers. If you’d asked me to marry you, I’d have laughed.’
‘Well, yeah. But it’s just… I thought maybe I should have at least offered. I don’t know.’ He runs a hand through his still wet hair. ‘Just all this. Watching Louis commit to Summer like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And speaking to Vivian?—’
‘Oh no, what did she say?’
‘It doesn’t matter. Just, it never occurred to me back then that it was something I was allowed to do. Everyone was so angry, so furious about the pregnancy. You were upset, obviously. Your mum was protective. I get that now more than I have before. What she must have felt like.’
‘It’s fine, Hal. It’s a long time ago and we’ve done a pretty good job, I reckon.’
He nods, looks at his hands. ‘I’m making a hash of this,’ he says.
‘Of what?’
His eyes meet mine, full of something I can’t read. ‘I suppose I’m trying to say I had the feelings. I had all the feelings you’re meant to have when you propose to someone. I loved you. I wanted to be with you, with our baby – even though the idea of having a kid scared the shit out of me. I just didn’t know what to do about it. What I was even allowed to do.’
‘Hal, we were both terrified. The only reason I didn’t run away from it was because, well, I couldn’t.’
He nods. ‘I just wanted you to know, though. That you meant that much to me. Before Louis, before all the baby stuff and the recriminations, when things were simpler. I saw a whole future with you. Only it came at us too fast, back then.’
‘You can say that again,’ I tell him, thinking of the moment the stick I’d peed on had shown two strong lines. Finding out subsequently that I was already five months along.
He’s silent now. A light breeze blows across the water of the pool, making it ripple. We watch as a hawk floats past, its wings open and unmoving, hovering on a warm current of air.
‘What would you have said?’ he asks.
‘What?’
‘If I’d asked you to marry me back then. What would you have said?’
I laugh. ‘Hal, that’s ridiculous. I don’t know. I’d probably have thought you were mad. And whatever Mum says now, I’m sure she’d have had something to say about it.’
He nods. ‘So, you’re OK?’
‘Of course I’m OK.’
He opens his mouth as if to say something more, but closes it again. Then, with a decisive movement, he gets up from the lounger. With the sun behind him, his face is almost entirely in shadow. ‘Right, I’d better go get showered,’ he says. ‘Want a hand back into the house?’
‘No, think I’ll sit here for a bit.’
I watch him walk towards the house and wonder what things might have been like for us if we had tied the knot back then. Would we have thrived? Would our love have grown? And where would we be now?
Then I turn my attention back to Louis and Summer. This is, after all, their day.
I’m in the kitchen with Mum, sorting out champagne flutes. She’s dressed in a light pink shift dress, her hair gathered up with a floral hairpiece. She looks a little like a would-be bridesmaid, but I bite my tongue.
I’ve opted for a longer summer dress, which I’d hoped would hide my boot a little. In reality, its ruched skirts swing just inches above it, probably drawing more attention than ever. I’m hoping that Louis and Summer’s party in the UK will happen after I get this thing removed.
I’ve seen Louis – he’s wearing grey trousers and jacket, a white shirt, and a burgundy tie to match the ribbons on the chairs. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in a proper suit since his graduation, and he seems so very young and so very grown-up simultaneously that I feel almost overcome.
